occasionally sexually honest

Saturday, October 10, 2009

got some

gigged the other night with the band with horns...

both my ex-girlfriend (G) & my current foolish love interest (E) came to the gig...

i wore my suit..

G (who i can't remember if she had a name in this blog... i was with her for 3 & a half years...)

i told her that E was coming to the gig and she asked me not to introduce us, laughing...

she came to the gig with her dad...

E was in her own...

there was hardly anyone at the gig, very thin audience, no way to hide anyone from anyone...

so it was a bit odd, also the gig wasn't so great...

G left after awhile and E in the end, came back to mine...

we cooked some food and ate it @ 2 in the morning... then we were watching TV and i suggested a blanket, she said something, i told her not to worry, we kissed,

i didn't come all night, still haven't,

it was a lovely night, i went out at 8am to get condoms... we showered together, she was horny all night and so was i... she also very concerned that i hadn't come...

i think she came, or was close to it...

i left to go to work, we kissed on the street outside my house,

she went to hers, probably to sleep, then @ 2 in the afternoon went away for the weekend... so no contact since, except texts... i sent her one on leaving a pub last night, she replied late last night, i replied to her reply and i woke to a text from her this morning...

she has made it clear in the past that she's not ready for a relationship with me, she is the woman i was talking about in my last post...

who knows where i stand with her now, probably nowhere, but it was a lovely night...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

to cry

oh i need a good woman,
make me feel like a good man should,
i don't say that i'm a good man,
or that i would be if i could,

we're breaking up, me & she who was mine...

she's still living here, and it's difficult... earlier tonight she made a joke - half joke - half serious - or so i took it...

i asked her about cooking, offered to get some food in... i don't cook...

she told me that by forsaking her i did not qualify for any privileges...

something she'd said when i asked if she could cut my hair a few days ago...

anyway, i said ok... and it made me angry, but i didn't show it, just in that passive aggressive thing i do..

i came into my room, to an email from the woman i've met, the woman i met a month or so ago and who i've been falling for..

it's another story... for another time...

anyway, she's inviting me to something on a week night... a concert... and i'm a bit stoned... and it takes me ages to realise that i really want to see this woman outside of the situation i met her in, and that of course i should be saying yes...

anyway i leave the house without speaking to dinah... go to jai... eat...

come home and my anger is closer to the surface... i sit beside dinah and we watch a film... skeleton key... surprisingly good... a bit shit in places but what isn't these days...?

and afterwards she starts to cry... i ask her what she wants and she says she just wants it all to go away...

i try and comfort her, but really i know she has to get through this on her own, and i should let her cry...

and i wish i could cry...

oh i need a good woman,
make me feel like a good man should,
i don't say that i'm a good man,
oh but i would be if i could,

Saturday, October 11, 2008

romance of autumn

my retelling of an old jazz standard, all those months (years?) ago - unfinished, was partly a song for a woman, a dark shadowy presence who was not my girlfriend..

also an expression of me & mine's distance...

in the 1st verse i wake up from a dream in which she's left me...

so much time has passed since i wrote it it's meant a few different things to me, one of the reasons it's not finished is that me & mine cleared up our differences in that way a week or so later...

also me & the shadowy figure was nothing but a fantasy...

it's possible i hesitate to finish it because i don't want to go back to that vibe,

but also possible i don't finish it because i want that vibe to continue, i don't want to kill it...

anyway, i've been struck by an autumn malaise these past few weeks and in a way i want to rescue this song and dress it in autumn colours, no betrayal necessary,

part of this romance of autumn has been a young woman i met who has enraptured me, briefly, so it seems... unreal, far from realisable and glad it's that way ,but she's in my head and she's wrapped in autumn colours,

like that song i wrote for A, years back,

i have an urge to read some thomas bernard, listen to portishead, i want to find that article i once read about rilke and a philosopher before him, who wrote about the spiders web...

x

Thursday, July 17, 2008

yesterday

yesterday morning my girlfriend was touching my leg as i woke up... you know how when you wake up sometimes you've got a little more sexuality than usual...

and i found myself becoming aroused and it slightly hurt... emotionally, because we just don't behave in that way these days, she saw what was going on but she didn't make any moves to move it forward,

and that's where i'm @

those few moments when we're intimate it breaks me heart that it happens so rarely and it never goes anywhere...

at such times i just don't see how we can continue, my thoughts turn to someone else... someone who may or may not be interested in me, but she lurks there in my mind...

(strangely similar to a post from last june, same girl, same early morning almostness that broke me)

x

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

dreams

a few weeks ago i had occasion to meet a young woman who i've met several times before, very funny...

this time i guess i was thinking about where me & mine are at / are not at ... and i started fantasising about this woman... lovely tits she has... she's single...

anyway that night i have one of those dreams where i can see someone and i'm talking to them,

it was her, the same woman, and she was leading me by the hand, out of my bed where my girlfriend was sleeping... i was hard...

i woke up standing up by the bed and quickly got back in, shocked at the power of the dream and my attraction for the woman...

then last night i was lying in bed beside my sleeping girlfriend and i got to thinking about someone else... and i got so aroused i felt like i was vibrating all over for this woman... it was a little feverish... like that anyway...

x

Monday, May 26, 2008

secrecy

so it's been a little while since i last posted...

me & mine are still together, living just us two...

but i saw, maybe a few months ago, what i thought was a sign that she was reading this very blog...

this place where i talk about my sexual thoughts... i assume noone in my real life reads this blog...

remember that time a few years back when a friend of mine commented on my other blog with the address of this blog?

(as if i have any regular readers left after not posting for so long)

anyway that happened and i got really angry at the friend...

not wanting anyone in my real life... let alone my girlfriend... reading this blog...

so when i thought she'd read it... this freaked me out and even though i've wanted to post about certain things since then i'm cautious... let's say i meet someone who i have erotic thoughts about, i enjoy those thoughts... day dreams... i have no intention of cheating on my girlfriend but i'm enjoying erotic thoughts about another and i write it in here and she reads it and it causes trouble between us...

of course you may ask why i'm having erotic thoughts about another when i'm with her... and i don't know how to answer that question...

so anyway i'm dipping my toe back in here... i guess i'll check the stats for a week or so to see if she's reading it...

x

Saturday, December 08, 2007

upset

so we've moved into a new flat, just me & her, and we'll be blissfully happy i'm sure, but today i got a bit upset and it's not something i can talk to very easily, so i'm writing it here...

actually i tried to talk to her but it's to do with her dad and she just took his side, not that i wanted her to take my side, not that i really have a side in it, just that i wished she could just accept that i was upset and comfort me...

and really that's it, that's all i need to say about the thing, it was so daft and i wasn't very rational about it, it's just that it upset me and he's the kind who isn't going to rain himself in once he's seen i'm upset he's a bit of a bull and i'm a bit of a china shop...

and now it's kind of come between me & her and in a small way it throws doubt on us, for me, only in a small way but it's there,

when she's upset i'm always there for her and when i'm upset she's sometimes not there for me...

this makes me sad x

Thursday, August 23, 2007

frisson

so it's been awhile since i last posted, partly because i liked the suspense that last post left, did i cheat on my girlfriend? do i still have a girlfriend?

well i do indeed still have my beautiful girl and i didn't cheat on her,

although strangely i did a stint playing piano in a restaurant since then and one of the waitresses looked (looks) just like the woman i would have fucked given the right set of circumstances...

the main circumstance which is no longer there being that me & mine would have to be distant... or not together...

strange though, i went so far down that road of thinking about fucking this other woman that even when it had finished, the danger over, it felt like i'd awakened some part of me...

the night it came to a head was after i left a complimentary comment on the other woman's myspace, and it turns out that my love had dreamt one night of finding this same myspace (among my friends) and she'd been keeping an eye on it since... so she saw the comment and it came out that we'd been flirting, i was fairly honest - in jumps and starts - i didn't say exactly how close we'd come to it but it was understood that me & mine had been distant and that's what it had been about, so we got back together properly and have been happy since then...

but that part of me is still awake,

so, a story,

i was playing piano one night in the restaurant and in my break i was sat at a table, reading... directly in front of me, in profile, were a man and a woman, she on the left, he on the right, she was telling a story and he was laughing...

time passed and he went to the toilet, passing the piano on his way, he hit a low note on the piano...

without thinking i muttered (under my breath) - cheeky fucker -

i don't know if she heard me but when he came back they started to argue, well, she was talking in a low but cross voice, he conciliatory...

i couldn't help wandering whether my saying cheeky fucker had brought about the shift in their conversation...

anyway, i went back to playing my last set and as they left she stopped by the piano and asked if i taught, taking my card...

so now i have a strange sexual fantasy, that i go to their house and give her a lesson, she pays me, but says she wants to give me something extra... leads me by the hand and sits me down on the sofa, kneels down in front of me and starts caressing my cock through my trousers, i of course become hard and she takes out my cock and sucks me...

when it's over she promises that she is genuinely interested in learning the piano, but that every week she will also suck my cock if i wish it... i go on my way...

x

Labels: fantasy

Saturday, June 09, 2007

troubled

so, it's been awhile since me & mine had sex and this is having a strange effect...

i love her, i love her parents, i have no intention of leaving her, but the other morning she kissed my neck as she was getting out of bed and it turned me on so much because we just don't do this at the moment, i do it to her, but she doesn't - generally - do it back...

and i'm thinking about cheating on her...

there is someone i know who has shown that she likes me, i've known her for awhile and i've always been flattered but done nothing about it, because i'm in this relationship...

recently i've raised my eyebrow... she has a boyfriend and i have a girlfriend which could work well, but i don't know if she has only recently got into this relationship or has been in it all along...

i don't want a long term thing... if it happens at all...

i would sooner fix things with my girlfriend but i don't know how and we're drifting further apart sexually, even as we stay in love and intimate (sleeping together)...

i also know that should i cheat on her this could well just push us further apart...

so i'm troubled...

i don't know if it'll happen, i don't know if i'll go through with it if it becomes possible...

x

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

ingress

in the last few weeks we went through a strange and scary thing to do with our sex, and last night we moved some way towards fixing it...

i kissed her back, all of it...

from her shoulders down to her arse... then back again...

we were both a little stoned...

anyway, it was beautiful and the love making that it led to was the closest we've been to the kind of giving love making i want to be giving to her...

also at the moment i'm checking out astrology to some extent and i've just found that venus is ingressing into cancer in about 8 hours...

of course i don't really know what this means but we've definately felt the wind shift in the run up to the ingress...

x

Labels: astrology

Saturday, February 24, 2007

blue and wanking

so we're a little distant, me & her, tonight, and this makes me a little blue...

a small part of me that wants to see these things as a reason to separate... but only a small part...

and then a long cycle ride from south to north london the other night... strangely, even though i hadn't thought of it at the time, it was another south to north cycle journey that was similar...

but i'm getting ahead of myself...

that time i stopped at the thames and i went down to the beach, this time i was on the canal, under a railway bridge, both times close to midnight or after...

i had been cycling through hyde park and erotic thoughts had come to me, maybe meeting someone on the street, or a prostitute, the smell of the almost rain, there was an erotic edge to the journey and of course cycling long distances is a very physical affair... you're very much in your body...

so i stood for awhile underneath this railway bridge by the canal, looking nervously in either direction, up & down stream, for passers by, took out my cock, spat on my hand and started touching myself, wanking...

i was close to the part of the canal that goes around regents park where all those huge expensive houses are... i could see one such house just about...

at one point the fantasy in my mind became about meeting a glamourous woman from such a household, imagined, her using me, there was a hint of danger down there and this came into the fantasy a little, with her leaving me somewhere, or threatening me with a knife..?

it was cold and i didn't come... similar again to that night by the thames...

funnily enough i've just uploaded a film i've made which i took ages writing the words for, and that night wanking by the thames was a really productive one for words, many of the words i wrote that night ended up in the film...

not at all sexual and i'm not going to link to it, i guess i'm keen to keep this place separate from my other web life... strange to be writing here at all anyway, it's been a long time...

x

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Sugasm #50

Mon 16th Oct, 06

We’re celebrating a milestone this week. Thanks to all of our sexy writers we’ve made it to our 50th Sugasm. Congratulations!

The best of the sex blogs this week by the bloggers who blog them. Spotlighting the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #51? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Dear Diary - Part One (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

The Lure of Darkness (http://www.easilyaroused.co.uk)

Flash (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

Mr. Sugasm Himself

50 Simultaneous Bloggasm’s… (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice

Let go, just let go (http://sugarbutch.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

Anastasia Probes the Pornos of Michael Ninn (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Doc Johnson Dick Rambone Cock (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)

Free whores of warcraft video (http://sultry.naughtyblog.net)

How to invent a sex toy - week 4 (http://sextoysinsider.com)

The Secret Porn History of Mahna Mahna (http://www.quirkysex.com/blog)

NSFW Pics

Cum Shot HNT (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Crazy Bitch HNT!!! (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

Half-Nekkid Hottie (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com)

HNT 31 - Are You Paying Me For Sex Edition? (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Lingerie Battle (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Nora Marlo Nude (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Pornstar Legends (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Thick booty with a wedgie (http://phatbootysolos.ilovejulienight.com)

Valia - Vision (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover (http://saphirsatya.blogspot.com)

The “backdoor”, I went in. (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Big Dicks (http://www.model-chat.com)

Celebrity Sex Tapes (http://www.teen-porn-site.com)

Cock size & male ego size… a balancing act? (http://faltenin.blogspot.com)

Cocktoberfest - Day 9 (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

From Working The Fields To Working The Streets (http://virtual-sex-tourist.com/index.php)

The Girl Inside the Steff (http://smutandsteff.com)

Longing for a Woman’s Touch Part II (http://www.taratainton.com)

The next best thing to hotel sex… (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com)

Of fluffers and cake frosting (http://www.jessicagoldharalson.com)

Perfect Porn Part (http://alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com

Sexual Thoughts–I’m “Coping!” (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind… (http://lumpesse.com)

Wrap Around (http://www.seskuality.com)

You Say Pain, They Say Play (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Are you sure? (http://www.blog.sex-mad-witch.com)

Boris called me this morning (http://thediaryofanenglishrose.blogspot.com)

Darth Vader spanking (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

How does that ass feel after Me raping you??? (http://www.caramelvixen.com)

I Need A Spanking! (http://accidentalmistress.blogspot.com)

The Importance of Correct Attire (http://adelehaze.com)

Knots (http://ourdreaming.blogspot.com)

Mecca-Streisand of Traffic (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

My Tiny Dick Poll Question (http://www.spoiledebonyprincess.com)

Next day (http://bratmaster.blogspot.com)

Nothing Says Innocence Like…… (http://aliceinawonderbra.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

L.A. Trip Part 2- Mismatched Whores (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Stimulating me…..the right way (http://www.justcalllauren.com)

A Whore By Any Other Name … (http://lipstickexplosion.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Actually wanking outside (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Almost in real time… (http://dontwakethekids.blogspot.com)

Beachside encounter (http://skyoto.blogspot.com/)

The Beauty of the Beast (http://principles-of-lust.blogspot.com)

Birthday Gift (http://confessions112.blogspot.com)

Claiming A Friend’s Pussy (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)

Cowboy Cocksucker (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Desperate (http://pick-up-pieces.blogspot.com)

Goose Bumps (http://masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Home cooking, part 1 (http://erotischism.blogspot.com)

Island Love (http://mandyseroticlife.blogspot.com)

Joint: The Cyber Seck Convo (http://totalgeeklust.blogspot.com)

Mr Henry is a voyeur (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

My First Taste (http://talktovanessa.com)

Nature Hike (http://wantonyou.blogspot.com)

Sugar Stick (http://makemycopcome.blogspot.com)

There’s Something About Tristan (and Dana) (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)

Who I Wished It Was (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Playful Valia on the beach courtesy of Hot Box Babes.

[Posted by Sabrina Morgan | Filed under: accidental mistress, Adele Haze, alice in a wonder bra, Always Aroused Girl, Caramel Vixen, Chronicles of a Platinum Pussy, Cunting Linguist, diary of an english rose, Dirty Details, Dont Wake the Kids, dreamwalkers, Easily Aroused, Eroticandy, erotischism, everythingoze, Gently Gently, hard and fast, holiday life, hotbox babe, Internet is for Porn, jessica gold haralson, John Q After Hours, journey to the dark side, juno henry, just call lauren, La Bohème, Lipstick Explosion, Lumpesse, lusty lady, make my cop come, mandys erotic life, Master Enigmas Thoughts, master fitz and his brat, Mistress Sky, Model Chat, My Hotbox, NYC Urban Gypsy, orgasm army, Orgasm Curious, our dreaming, phat booty solos, Pick Up The Pieces, principles of lust, quirky sex, Radical Vixen, s spot, Seskuality, sex toys insider, Sexcapades, smut and steff, Spanking Katie Spades, Spoiled Ebony Princess, Stiletto Diaries, sugar bank, sugarbutch chronicles, sultry smile, Talk to Vanessa, Tara Tainton, taras naughty shop, teen porn site, texas spitfire, total geek lust, Total Sensuality, virtual sex tourist, Wank Log, wanna fuck, wanton you]

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

actually wanking outside

smoked a little hash earlier tonight and even though i cycled for over an hour afterwards, which i'd hoped would make this not happen... i'm still a little insomniac, which is in general my payment for smoking after 10 at night...

so i just turned on my computer to write down a few words for something i'm writing at the moment and i realised that i wanted to come... so i gazed at the pictures for some movies i didn't even download and finished what i'd started several hours previously...

you see, midway through my cycle journey home tonight, from south to north london, i paused by the thames, i needed a piss, i lifted my bike over the barrier and walked down the steps to the beach of the thames, lowtide...

doing my small bit to pollute that great river...

i propped my bike against a pillar, found a space underneath the walkway and pissed against that river wall...

then, being as it was night, my body had been active from the cycling, there was noone around, the smell of the river and also maybe the faint smell of piss...

for all these reasons i kept hold of my cock and moistened my fingers, it was pretty cold and i didn't get hard very quickly but fairly soon i was wanking away on that lowtide beach there...

somehow an image of a watery woman came to me... not my girlfriend, not any of the ex-lovers who sometimes invade my masturbating thoughts...

a woman of the river, a tidal woman inviting my sperm into her, telling me she'll wash it away inside her when her tide comes in...

i guess it was the smell more than anything else, but the place directed my thoughts to this strange woman who i hadn't seen before...

i didn't come...

my bicycle was right beside me with both front and back lights blinking off and on.. a slight feeling of visibility, mixed with an awareness after awhile that coming wasn't necesary, to just be touching myself with this thames woman so possesing me...

this was enough...

so i put myself away and i walked along the beach, carrying my bike over the rockier bits, all the way from tate modern to waterloo bridge where i got back on my bike and cycled home...

the whole river excertion proving to be great for my words, a whole chunk of words fell out of me when i got home, hopefully for the film i've been working on...

happy, poetic, erotic time

x

Monday, October 09, 2006

wanking outside

reading a blog that i like last night and they are visiting an abandoned mental hospital, finding a pornographic magazine and asking the question - who on earth would want to have a wank in that place?

and i realise that though i don't feel able to raise my digital hand and say so over there... i would be want to wank in a place like that...

as indeed i did touch myself to coming in the open back in the summer...

i remember walking in abney park cemetary, beautifully overgrown, shortly after first moving to london... a magical place, the first place i could kind of forget the city while wlking in it... i came accross a pornographic magazine and the idea of wanking in there was a potent one.. although i didn't do it...

i was back in that cemetary at some point over the summer, ex-girlfriend P had just moved into a place near there and she had cut my hair...

at the time P was being a little flirtatious, she'd sent me a copy of my album that i'd sent her when we were together but which i'd lost, included in the folder were a few pictures, one of my erect cock, one of us smiling and in bed...

so the thought that she might be up for fucking was around... not that i wanted to cheat on my girl, but it was a rich thought...

so there i was, having met her, she'd cut my hair, then i'd had to leave but there was a potential to meet again... i was walking in abney park cemetary and the idea of calling her, getting her to come out to the cemetary and to fuck her there... it was... is... a rich fantasy... i have no intention of doing it... i'm not going to cheat on my girl, but i can't deny it's there...

maybe i'm doing a disservice to my girl just writing about it?

and reading about that pornography in that abandoned mental hospital just brought it back today... oh no... that's right... i found a text file in my computer saying... hang on... i'll find it...:

(8th june 2006)

grass, paranoia,

so automatic, turning on a sharp, light and reexamining recent events through
another set of eyes

considering a RTMC post for what i said to M, about the consequences of cheating,
as i was saying it it was becoming clear,

if i had or would sleep with P what that would do to my psyche...

x

RTMC being the old name for this blog, M a friend from work, a potent thought, what cheating on my girl would do to my psyche...

my girl who just came into my room... we spent a delicious hour or so in each other's company... so in love with her..

x

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Sugasm #48

The best of the sex blogs this week by the bloggers who blog them. Spotlighting the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #49? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

The Luckiest Girl in the World (http://alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)

“Would he have the energy, the stamina, to make me come as much as I need to come?”

I Want To Shave You (http://makemycopcome.blogspot.com)

“That luscious plum, that erotic ridge around it, the enticing veins tracing their way up that cock I am so engrossed in…”

The Rum Raisin Compromise (http://talktovanessa.com)

“My husband did not understand why I couldn’t live the rest of my life without the taste of a woman passing my lips.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

How to Give Away Porn (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice

Rope Bondage Images (http://www.lumpesse.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sexy Audio & Video

Hear My Name (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

How to Give a Blowjob in a Car (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Sex Inspiration, Study & Dream - Video Blog Entry (http://www.seska4lovers.com)

Slave Girl: Part One (http://fuckingtheministersdaughter.blogspot.com)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

Craigslist User Publicizes Private Correspondence (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com/blog)

Do Video Games Effect Our Sex Lives? (Survey) (http://sugarjoy.com)

The Five Best Tera Patrick Scenes of All Time (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Inflatable Vibrating Penis (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)

Tire Paddle HNT (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

NSFW Pics

Adela & Susana (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)

Ass Masterpiece (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Consolation Eye Candy, or What a Wild, Wild Month! (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Featured DDGirls Covergirl Sunny Leone (http://www.ddgirlsblog.com)

Put on a Shirt HNT (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

Roxy in booty shorts (http://phatbootysolos.ilovejulienight.com)

Two Bad Girls in a Prison Bed (http://adelehaze.com)

WebMistress Feature Gallery: Scenic Silver Reef (http://www.taratainton.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Adult Webcam Humor (http://www.model-chat.com)

Boobies (http://edinerotica.blogspot.com)

Erotic Rather Than Fucking (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Phain’s Tasty Specs… (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

Science of Sex - Sense of Smell (http://www.seskuality.com)

Sex Goddess??? (http://thegooseandgander.blogspot.com)

“Three sex acts enter, one sex act leaves.” (http://sexeteria.blogspot.com)

The Vagina and the Douche (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

2. Greet (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Dreaming of a Dark Odyssey (http://viviane212.blogspot.com)

The Eternal Hotness of Hanna (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Get Caught Looking now! (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)

My Taxicab Confession (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)

Room 304, Part I (http://www.chillivanilla.com/blg)

Teresa (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Happy HNT-Cheerleader Paddling (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Lions, Tigers, and Spankings! Oh my! (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

A Long Awaited Erotic Very Sexy Spanking Session… Finally (http://lizzietush.blogspot.com)

Melinda Makes a Discovery… (http://www.blog.sex-mad-witch.com)

Pajama Party (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)

She was like a wild animal… (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Switching My Bottom On (http://spankingwriters.com/blog)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

erotic rather than fucking

so me & my baby don't have sex very much, but we do erotically hold each other, stroke each other, kiss each other, often in the day...

so that sexuality has gone into a beautiful erotic lifestyle... not that sex is gone... just not so regular as all that...

before work last night she came into my room to say goodbye and i pulled her to my bed... this as we were kissing and behaving exactly as i said before... erotic as hell...

she climbed on top of me and i begged her not to go to work... to no avail... and then i begged her to suck my cock... a request she granted...

i'm slightly less in the world of pornography these days... mostly to do with her, with wanting my sexual life to include her as much as possible, i guess i hadn't come for a little while and in the little time she had she sucked me to a beautiful orgasm, then wiped herself off, smiled at me and went to work...

oh that woman...

and then finally just my attitude towards the wonders of sugasm... i stumbled across it a month or so back and started submitting my ramblings... then saw how much my counter went up because of it and decided to write once a week, specifically for sugasm... well, it meant i was spending a little more of my writing over here than i really meant to, and also every time it came out i would be drawn to the erotica or the porn and i would inevitably make myself come...

so i consciously left it alone for a few weeks and now i'm back where i wanted to be... posting here every now and again, submitting to sugasm if they'll have me in that small way...

and in love with my girl...

x

Sunday, September 03, 2006

blue

things aren't right between me & my baby... just in the sex... everything is fine i think...

so i'm a little scared...

i want to be able to work it out with her... but i'm scared...

x

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Sugasm #44

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Featuring the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #45? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Top Voted Posts

How To Win An Erotic Fiction Competition (http://www.msnaughty.com)

Tales From Under The Desk, Part 7 (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)

Turning Point (http://masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Nearly Nude Modeling and the Paedophile Problem (http://sugarbank.com)

Random Selection

Polyamorous? Or just plain selfish? (http://damnjezebel.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

Half-Nekkid and Getting Fucked (http://www.TarasNaughtyShop.com)

New sex toy review - Inflatable Vibrating Butt Plug (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)

Porn Review: All Girl Slumber Party (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Sexy Girls Playing Mahjong (http://sugarjoy.com)

Welcome to the SexBlog Welcome Blog! (http://sexblogwelcome.blogspot.com)

Sex Advice

How To Worship My Cunt: Future Lovers Take Note! (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

Dominating every male in My path (http://www.ladyevilsdungeon.com)

Not that innocent…. (http://kyliecallme.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Debasing the Bathroom (http://www.chillivanilla.com)

Fucking Mitzi (100th Post!) (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

Hot Rod (http://la-day.blogspot.com)

House Party 101 (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

I’m Back, Baby (http://suddenslip.blogspot.com)

“Kiss her” (http://tangysweet.blogspot.com)

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall (http://edinerotica.blogspot.com)

On the Other Side of the Green Door (http://www.TaraTainton.com)

Party of 21 (http://erotischism.blogspot.com)

The perfect storm (http://joeheather.blogspot.com)

SMS Weekend Diary (https://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Wild Joy (http://www.suchnonsense.com)

Xantasia Goes To Paradise (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

1/3rd Dead (http://wesleeptogether.blogspot.com)

Beach Pickup Lines (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

JD’s Spec Sheet vs Mel’s- his first (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

The joys of lube (http://www.hotcouple.co.uk)

No Picture - No Reply (http://adult.backwash.com)

Our last make-up (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

The Honeymoon’s Over (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

How to be a superslave. (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

Ode To Cock Illustrated (http://naturaldom.blogspot.com)

She doesn’t know it yet, but it’s already too late… (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Sleeping in (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

So glad to serve as an inspiration (http://principalquattrano.com/blog)

Webcam session with My lesbian cunt (http://www.caramelvixen.com)

NSFW Pics

Arne Jahn Fetish Photographer (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Stickin to tha HNT Swimsuit Theme (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

sleeping in

i had a week's work last week which threw me, and the week before i was gigging and rehearsing and recording so i've been a little absent from this place...

i'm just popping by to share how much i love being in bed with my girlfriend... as i was getting up @ 8am every day last week my body has been waking me up before her this week, and i love just lying there, drifting in and out of sleep, holding her...

she's sleeping and she moans and clings to me in such a delicious way...

i love how she responds to me stroking her... her hair, her skin...

i wrote a tune for her on this subject shortly after we started going out and it's still as true as ever... i so deeply love being there and holding her as she wakes up...

love...

x

Monday, August 07, 2006

wanking

no sex for a few days and i'll probably be coming on my own once or twice...

i woke up this morning to hear my housemate's stereo through the wall, the album of her cousin who comes round here sometimes and is drop dead gorgeous...

in my drowsy half asleep state i started thinking about this cousin and touching myself, my boobelah had gone off to work already, thoughts of her sucking me, then thoughts of ex-girlfreind P being fucked by another man in front of me and begging for my cock in her mouth... oh the thoughts that go through my head with my cock in my hand...

so i came, a strange coming, distant somehow, but real and sticky as ever...

then i came online and saw sugasm #41 was posted so i put it down there below this post and was very much drawn to amanda... pictured at the top of sugasm #41...

i regretted coming already as my mind was reeling just thinking of how perfect this woman looks, might write an erotic story just for her...

there's a fair amount of agro in my household at the moment aimed at me and one reaction to it is that i just want to touch myself more & more... strange i know...

also i so loved wanking when i was single, looking at porn and occassionally finding a model who really got to me... so that this hiatus from my lover gives me permission to engage with that again, just for a few days...

x

Sugasm #41

Sun 6th Aug, 06

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #42? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Mr. Sugasm himself

73% of American’s Hate Porn (http://sugarbank.com)

NSFW Pics (and a Podcast)

Amanda (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)

It’s Thursday! Happy HNT! (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Nora Marlo self portraits (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Splish Splash (photos/podcast) (http://bedroomradio.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Does Size Matter? (http://sexeteria.blogspot.com)

Insatiable: How to Date a Nympho (http://sabrinainstockings.com)

Oh Kegels, How I Love Thee (http://blog.babeland.com)

On My Way to Sex Rehab (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Rockin’ – Not Humpin’ – In the Free World (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

Straight, Male, Talking About My Sexuality (http://www.realadultsex.com)

Take Naked Pictures of Your Girlfriend (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Thank God for Sex (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

The thinky and the kinky: qualities of attraction (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Humor

Film Fridays 33 - Internet Dating (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

The Top 30 Most Annoying Things About Porn (http://www.msnaughty.com/blog)

Why Don’t I Ever See Porn Stars On the Golf Course? (http://sugarjoy.com)

Sex Work

Crossover Fetish Subs are Twice as Weak (http://www.ladyevilsdungeon.com/evil_domme)

Dumb Ass white boi! (http://www.spoiledebonyprincess.com/princess-blog )

Smoking Fetish (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

August Contest - Story Time (http://sin.typepad.com/shauna_by_night)

Half-Nekkid and Loving Himself (http://www.TarasNaughtyShop.com)

Review: The Wolf Summers By ElSol (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

Straight Porn Review: Briana Banks… a.k.a. Filthy Whore 3 (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

8/1 by Rex: That Wonderful Ass (http://rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

Aerosmith (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Clothing Optional (http://tangysweet.blogspot.com)

The First ‘Threesome’ (http://lumpesse.com)

F♥ck Bunny (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Last night (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

A Most Proper Text Message (http://damnjezebel.com/diary)

No Niceties (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

Statuesque (http://www.asstr.org/~gentlebutfirm)

Through the Green Door (www.TaraTainton.com)

Voyeuristic Dream (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

Yes. I Like Girls. (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

The Honeymoon Part I (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Introducing people to rubber kink (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

Open Panties (http://natalieslingerie.blogspot.com)

Pain Slut- A Fantasy (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

Webcam Session with an Old Man (http://www.caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog)

Pretty pic of Amanda posing in the field courtesy of Hot Box Babe.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

last night

so we had sex... earlier on in the night... and in fact that's worth mentioning as well, i didn't get hard at first at all... as is my sometimes thing these days, and she reached down and started caressing me in a very sweet way... somehow the image of a fireside came to me, some other place, some nurturing place, i don't know...

anyway i became hard and as i became hard i became sensitive... as though she'd opened a place inside me that doesn't often see the light of day...

and we fucked, after a little while... very beautiful...

as we snuggled up to go to sleep a little later we both still had it in us and we were quite animalistic... a certain scratching and a hunger...

so the point i'm briefly making here is that i'd already come, and she started to suck me again but this time her hand stretched down and caressed my arse, her fingers teasing my anus... and her mouth wandered down also, licking at me... licking at the mouth of my anus, her tongue penetrating me slightly...

a beautiful, warm feeling... and then as she sucked me again she pushed her finger inside me and i was in heaven...

this combination really sensually knocked me out...

i didn't come again but it was as though my body was on fire...

we'd talked earlier about touching each other and the fact that i hadn't really made her come, which was a sore point for me...

so the other thing that happened last night was that after all this, after we'd fucked, and then once she'd sucked me once more, i started touching her and something was different, maybe the fact that we'd already had sex, maybe the talk we'd had... but i touched her clitorus and carried right on touching her as she got closer and closer to coming and although she didn't have an entire - full orgasm at my touch she got very close...

so for the first time she'd started playing with my arse while sucking me... and for the first time she just let me touch her, without her reaching down herself...

i woke today very much in love...

x

Monday, July 31, 2006

Sugasm #40

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #41? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Mr. Sugasm himself

The New Wave of Porn Star Hookers (http://www.sugarbank.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Sweet Torture (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

Sweet and Dirty (http://tangysweet.blogspot.com)

A Spanking Interlude (http://www.spankingwriters.com)

Spanked Again! (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Punishment vs. Discipline (http://www.alternativealbany.com/bdsm/)

A Lesson in the Fine Art of Whipping (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

I feel slightly better and get the brush and the paddle… Hmmmm (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

A Gift (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)

Frugal Kink: The $25 Toy Bag (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

D is for Daddy (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Carol’s room (http://assistantmistress.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

What a girl has to do… (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

Virginal Cherry (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Touched, for the very first time (http://faltenin.blogspot.com)

Surprise (I) (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Sunday Confession (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

Sexual Exploration (http://sexyukgirl.blogspot.com)

The Return of the Lawyer (http://www.suchnonsense.com)

Outside (http://bdsmlover.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Not Too Tired After All (http://masterenigma.blogspot.com)

The Morning After (http://ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)

Married By Slut Puppy (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

Hunger no more (http://xxgraciexx.blogspot.com)

Elegant Backstroke in a Shot Glass (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Come again? (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

The Celebratory Wank (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Annual Check Up (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

7/23 by Roxy: Make it a Double! (http://rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

NSFW Pics

Prime Cups (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Multiple Choice (http://tgp.com)

Memory Lane (http://www.seska4lovers.com)

Sex News

New Blogging Designs Added! (http://tarasnaughtyshop.com)

Avery Score Takes Us Down Rainbow Road (http://sugarjoy.com)

Sex Work

Playing the Repentant Ex-Wife (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Any volunteers? (http://kyliecallme.com/diary)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Reader Question - Unfaithfulness (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Panties or Knickers? (http://gentlebutfirm.blogspot.com)

In Search of the City’s Hottest Stripping and Swinging (http://www.taratainton.com)

Exploring Alternative Relationships (http://www.seskuality.com)

The Dangers of Cybersex (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Coffee and a spanking with Master R tonight (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Beginner’s Fun with Role Play (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

“Are You a Ho or Do You Just Want Others to be?” (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)

Saturday, July 29, 2006

come again?

i'm in a different place...

sexually...

right now...

only slightly different and nowhere i haven't been before but i just want to see where the edges are...

you see i knew earlier that i wouldn't be seeing my baby tonight, which amongst other things gave me permission to come while reading erotica... it was
Just the, um, three of us? part one……. that did it... lovely writing about a beautiful sexual situation, a different kind of coming than fucking or indeed looking at porn... something sensual about it...

i guess i often feel that i owe my orgasms to my girlfriend... even though another way to look at it would be that having come once it'll take more to make me come again and therefore longer fucking if that's wanted...

but now it's changed and i possibly will see her tonight, in a few hours time... and it's quite possible that we may make love, (not that i'm too comfortable with that expression these days but i for one moment feel at a loss for another way to express it without calling it fucking... called it fucking for so long the other words have fallen out of my head...)

and this means that if i do come it'll be the second time around... love's more beautiful... the second time... around... as peggy lee has it...

and this just lends some increased sensitivity some... slighty worn... no... you know when your recieving anal sex...? not that i do as it happens but it's rougher than vaginal sex... more tender and therefore harder... that's kind of what i mean...

i remember the other day i'd come in her mouth inamongst the trees and i came again later on, back home, fucking her which began outside in the garden but which we took inside... i remember not thinking i would come and finding the second coming just that little closer to divinity...

so look, i'm a little stoned and i could go on like this for ages but i think i'll leave it there...

bless you for reading... long live sugasm...

x

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Sugasm #39

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #40? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

NSFW Pics

HHNT!!!!!! (http://melanaise.blogspot.com)

I Feel Myself, I Really Do : ) (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Porn Week Vacation (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

The Anticipation (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Being Submissive (http://ww2.alternativealbany.com/bdsm/)

Late night deviant (http://xxgraciexx.blogspot.com)

Mmm Tentacle-y (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

My Orgasm and Sexual Desire Secrets (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

RANT: On the Rag with The Goddesses (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

Self image is a wonderful thing, most of the time (http://seanandmel.blogspot.com)

Tag - Past Love - Story 2 - Self-discovery and Healing (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

Those damn slutty bisexuals (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

Sex News

Bush for “Products and Services,” Not Birth Control (http://www.taratainton.com)

Gay Gamers are Coming Out of the Closet (http://sugarjoy.com)

Next Door Nikki on Jerry Springer (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

There’s Got To Be A Joke Here Somewhere (http://tgp.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Guessing Games (http://eroticaetcetera.com/blog/)

How about a cookie (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Isabella’s Eyes - Part IV (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Spanking at t’mill (http://www.spankingwriters.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

A VERY long drive home (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

Yes Master (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

Humor

Static Electricity–and no, it wasn’t caused by the phone (http://lipstickexplosion.com)

Unbeknownst To The Roommate (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

You want some popcorn with that? (http://dontwakethekids.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

Haze Goes to Prison (http://adelehaze.com/)

Long nails dig into the submissive mind (http://www.ladyevilsdungeon.com)

Tease and Denial with My sissy bitch (http://www.caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog/)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

7/16 by Rex: Soap Suds (http://rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

The Bed, the Bath, and Beyond (http://www.taratainton.com)

A Bit of Pink Alone Time (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Blush (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

Can you hear that..? (http://pleasinglydebauched.blogspot.com)

Cold Hands, Hot strokes (http://lustdemon.blogspot.com)

Good Thing It Wasn’t Windy Today… (http://onaniajournal.blogspot.com)

His Kind of Woman (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Hot Mami is OPP (part one) (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com/)

I left my heart in San Francisco (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Just the, um, three of us? part one……. (http://aliferestarted.blogspot.com)

Nocturnal Confessions #1 (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

Trees again (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Wet (http://www.asstr.org/~gentlebutfirm/)

Lovely upskirt photo courtesy of Melanaise.

[Posted by Vixen | Filed under: A Life Restarted, Adele Haze, Alternative Albany, Caramel Vixen, Cunting Linguist, Dangerous Femme, Darkside Journey, Dawnndirty, Designing Intimacy, Dirty Details, Dont Wake the Kids, erotica etcetera, Eroticandy, Femme Fatale Teen, Gentle but firm, Gently Gently, Gracies Playground, Internet is for Porn, Lady Evils Dungeon, Lipstick Explosion, Lust Demon, Melanaise, My Hotbox, NYC Urban Gypsy, Onania Journal, Orgasm Curious, Pleasingly Debauched, Radical Vixen, Red Velvet Rope Burn, Rex and Roxy, Sean and Mel, Shays Sex Column, Spanking Katie Spades, Spanking Writers, Sugar Joy, Tara Tainton, TGP, The Holiday Life, Total Sensuality, Wanklog, Xantasia]

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

trees again

1stly numbers, when i put a counter in this blog, around the time i put a counter in my other blog, this one had more traffic... just as you might expect, things of a sexual nature draw people more than other blogs...

something odd happened to my other blog, unwelcome attention from someone in an almost christian way, she drew attention to my lack of traffic and posted it in her own blog, which had the obscure effect of increasing traffic...

also by this time i was posting less over here and the numbers shifted the other way, my other blog overtook this one...

until now that is... sugasm related traffic puts this blog's numbers @ 3630 & my other blog numbers @ 3662... before the day is out this one'll be in the lead again...

but down to the matter at hand... which is my sweet girlfriend and me, travelling over to hampstead heath on sunday and lying in the park drinking rose cava, smoking spliffs, being happy...

kenwood house in fact it was at first, but once the bottle was drunk and we'd been lying there for a little while we took a stroll south into the heath proper...

we hadn't gone very far when we saw a perfectly climbable tree and it turned out she had never climbed a tree... so of course we set about it... leaving the coolbox and our flipflops on the ground, circling higher, i was amazed that she'd never done it because she seemed such a natural tree climber... the day was getting on for evening and the weather was beautiful, there we were in love and in a tree... not really anyone around...

not particularly covered but highish it became apparent that we were both pretty horny, we started joking about fucking and i took it a little further by taking out my erect cock... i was standing on a branch a little lower than hers and she bent down so she was lying on her branch and she gently put my cock in her mouth, sucking me in that heavenly way she has...

we were both looking around nervously and we didn't keep this up for long, just long enough to make us really want to fuck each other... with that erotic atmosphere firmly lodged in our brains and in our bodies... one of the reasons to keep it so brief was that the longer it went on the weaker my legs became... the notion of losing my strength and falling out of the tree, delicious pleasure followed by pain...

so i put myself away and we smiled at each other, kissing long & langourous...telling each other what we wanted to do...

at length we got down from the tree, the cocksucking had been a brief interlude in a lazy chapter but it had lent the whole thing this charged erotic edge that we still felt...

we strolled further into the heath, each finding a place to piss (easier for me) and looking furtively about for a suitable place...

there's a dry stream there which led into a fairly covered bit of undergrowth, treebranches, shrubs...

we stood at the edge of the dry stream talking about it and kissing, she reluctant on the surface but really wanting it, it turns out to be a fantasy of hers to fuck in the woods, also she does love the idea of people watching, when my curtains are open she loves to fuck me, the thrill of maybe someone seeing us adding to it...

and of course the more we kissed the more we needed to be touching more deeply so after a prolonged moment on the bank there she led me by the hand through the dry stream, into the more covered area...

where she knelt down and sucked my cock once more, this time with more strength...

after a while i told her that i needed to fuck her and touch her so she stood up and leaned forward pushing out her hands to a tree as i lifted her skirt and pulled down her knickers... reaching around to touch her clitorus which was wet and smooth... she reached back and guided my cock towards the mouth of her cunt and i stroked her, sometimes gently, sometimes harder as i slowly pushed my cock into her...

we were locked in this position for some time, pushing deeper inside her, fucking her, feeling the cool of the evening shade and smelling the woods around us, absolute heaven...

you know i'm not really cut out for this erotic recounting, i get to the meat of it and i don't want to say any more about it, i have no interest in padding it out with more description, partly because i want the experience to remain, unanalysed...

we had no condoms with us and i was getting close so we swapped back, me now holding a tree branch over my head as i fucked her mouth and she sucked me powerfully to a beautiful orgasm... spitting out my sperm into the undergrowth...

and we strolled to the busstop happy and in love... mischievous eyes... laughing...

x

Friday, July 14, 2006

Sugasm #38

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #39? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Announcements

SugarJoy has a New Webmistress (sugarjoy.com)

Blogathon 2006 (the-iron-gate.com/blog)

Sex Work and Humor

A Cornucopia of Perversion (radicalvixen.com/blog)

How to Spot Breast Implants (sugarbank.com)

F’n Amazing Webcam Show (seska4lovers.com)

All About My Summer Vacation (ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

UFC - Ultimate F(*)#&@&$ Club (thehiddensides.blogspot.com)

7/10 by Rex: A Tale of Two Roxies (rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

Morning After (joeheather.blogspot.com)

Tired? (xantasia.blogspot.com)

Friday Night Teaser (femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Facets of an Assignation (easilyaroused.co.uk)

First HNT Dream (dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

coming in her mouth and in the trees (orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Comfortably Decadent - Part Three (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Doesn’t Anyone Here Want Their Ass Licked? (designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

“The Meeting” a work of fiction (incorrigiblegirl.com/blog)

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The sexy sunbathing photo of Tara Tainton comes directly from her very own blog.

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Thursday, July 06, 2006

coming in her mouth and in the trees

i had a couple of pints a few hours ago and my body is still a little uncomfortable because of that...

so since i became part of sugasm my quiet little blog has been a great deal busier...

so i'll probably be blogging over her at least once a week... to have something to post to sugasm... opportunistic but it'll do the writing some good...

my beautiful girl came into my room this early afternoon to say goodbye and i had only put on my T-shirt... got distracted midway through dressing, so we kissed, and we kissed some more, a little more urgently this time...

i pulled her towards the bed and fell backwards onto it with her in my arms, her straddling me and the kissing just going on & on...

well my cock was just there and it was getting harder & harder and she pretty soon started sucking on it in that delightful way that she has...

i saw an old flame the other day - exparttime as she was known in these pages - i got drunk with her and a few old friends on saturday night and in the course of the night she told me she was ready... she'd given up cocaine, she's studying reiki...

a few times in the night she came back to this, that she was ready... for me, for a relationship... was the implication...

before i'd left the house to see them my girl had sucked me to a beautiful orgasm, partly because she was aware that i'd see exparttime...

now exparttime, which is why i'm telling this story, never made me come in her mouth, this beautiful woman who is my girl these days has made me come many, many times, more than all the other women put together... this pleases her immensely...

we're very happy right now me & the girl, we've had some work to do but it's paid off and i am so far from wanting to reignite any exparttime business it's untrue...

so back to today...

she sucks me until i come in her mouth and she spits my sperm into her hand... i never used to spit but your sperm tastes so strong she tells me, which i'm sure could be made into a damn good country & western song...

oh... and the trees...

ok, so i wrote quite a bit in my journal (pen & paper) this week, which i was meaning to transcribe here, i'll give you the gist,

i was standing by the river thames, on the beach, under one of the jetties on the south side near the oxo tower... this was monday, i was due to meet my girl in an hour and it was a baking hot early evening, i was watching the tide, trying to work out if it was coming in or going out... thinking, writing...

it's pretty secluded down there, strangely, i mean the river is right there so it's not that secluded but noone goes there... the heat... and the slowness... it put me in mind of my teenage years... a certain somnolence that i used to feel that was coupled with the almost sexual need to shit... (which i did - need to - on monday by the river)...

back when that need, and the slight suppressing of it, was the most sexual... sensual thing i did... pre-masturbating...

so the thought comes to me that i could masturbate down there.. hide amongst the wooden supports and come.. enveloped in the smell of the wood, the water...

i didn't do it, just a potent thought...

the next day i was walking along the river wandle in south london, aimless walking, my business done for the day, a few hours ahead that i could do with as i pleased, found my way onto a path by this small river that joins the thames...

another hot day, close, a thunder cloud over the city promising rain but not yet...

i wanted to write in the journal so i was looking out for a bench... i found one evntually and this same teenage headspace was upon me, the bench was away from the path and it led to a smaller path largely hidden in trees...

as soon as the idea came i set up my camera, balanced on a branch, set it videoing and took out my cock and started touching myself...

as i was getting ready to come i heard thunder over london... no rain over me but it would have been welcome...

i came fairly quickly and the aftermath of coming was really strong, that thick, potent, sensual air that you breathe just after...

i wiped my hands on leaves and went on my way...

showed the video to my girl that night and she found it cute... & wierd... a leaf covers my cock largely but you can see what i'm doing... reminded me of a much longer video i took of myself wanking awhile back...

half a mind to post them but i don't know the rules for posting adult video's and whther you can embed them into blogs... also not sure i'm ready to broadcast myself in that way...

x

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Sugasm #37

Announcements

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Opposing Forces: Laws of Attraction (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)
Read My Lips: It’s Vulva, Not Vagina (msnaughty.com/blog)
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Stories You Wouldn’t Write Home About: Jekyll, Hyde, and the Happy Whore Place (ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)
Lunch at the Fountain of You (andrememberthattime.blogspot.com)
Theatrics (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)
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Loving vs. Fucking (fourstate.blogspot.com)
Two in One Day or “I Want Some Cinnamon” (dontwakethekids.blogspot.com)
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I Want a Sunday Kind Of Love… (designingintimacy.blogspot.com)
The Middle of the Night (the-sensuous-libertine.blogspot.com)
One Plus Two (easilyaroused.co.uk)
Vegas (prudence-tells-all.blogspot.com)
God is Infinitely Seductive (totalsensuality.blogspot.com)
Doin’ tha Dirty Dishes (wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)
Vivid Dream (dawnndirty.blogspot.com)
Little Tease (sugarbabyweekly.blogspot.com)
Fade (sexblogthis.blogspot.com)

Thursday, June 29, 2006

that thought

two things... an erotic thought about someone else... and the erotic reality with my beautiful girlfriend,

let's start with the girlfriend, this wonderful woman who is sharing my life with me...

it turns out that the dark cloud that was threatening the relationship related to sex, and to something i was/wasn't doing...

almost a week ago we were in bed almost asleep but i roused us to a bit of fucking... beautiful sensual touching and then fucking and then her touching herself... midway through this she's trying to reach a condom and my cock is completely out of the picture and starts to become soft... i touch myself but i know that a few deft touches from her would be all i need to be hard again, you know how the touch of someone else works wonders...

but i know from experience that she doesn't like to touch me in these times, i ask anyway and she half-heartedly touches me and then kind of shrugs and stops being sexual altogether... slumps over and is asleep in moments...

well this did me in, it's hard enough having a problem being erect without your lover responding like that towards it...

so i bring it up the next night, we're having a bath and i mention it, and she finally opens out and tells me that she's not been enjoying sex recently...

...

which is pretty damn hard to deal with, and you can see why she hesitated so long to tell me, but because she hesitated so long, months it seems, i've been thinking things are good when they haven't been for quite some time and this really messes with my head...

anyway she talks more about it and she recounts how we've been fucking sometimes and i've had my eyes shut and i'm not touching or kissing her and i've seemed really far away from her... which sounds to me those occassions i've remarked on here awhile back when i've been fucking her but thinking of somebody else... something i'm not proud of but that i did do a few times, to do with coming i think it was, or getting hard even...

well this set something going in her head, also to do with how i don't give her much pleasure in bed, something i'm conscious of and freaked out by, previous relationships much more characterised by my giving pleasure, touching... making my partner come...

at some point a few weeks ago i pointed this out to her and told her i really wanted to make her come, she'd been reticent about it, when she came for the first time with me (through her fingers, my cock) it was the first time she'd come with someone else, she experiences orgasms as being a solitary thing...

this was what led to her touching herself the other night in fact...

one of the things that upset me was that it seemed so black and white, she was either giving me pleasure or giving herself pleasure (or letting my give her pleasure), giving and recieving together seems out of bounds...

anyway, since we spoke the other night we've got on much better in bed... as you'd expect... strange that that behaviour of mine, that had bothered me but that i thought she hadn't noticed, had been at the root of a longrunning problem for us...

also i think that lack of pleasure flowing from me to her has been part of my problem getting/staying erect, now that we're recalibrated and i feel easier about touching her my erection problem seems to have vanished (only to return i don't doubt)...

and then the erotic thought... this with my friend nippy, a gay woman who i've never fancied but who i can talk about sex to... she's moving into the flat of an old school friend of hers... we went to see the flat last week and i found the old friend really horny... beautiful breasts... (she has a 9 month old)...

anyway she phoned up while me and nippy were rehearsing and once nippy put the phone down i told her that i fancied the friend, not that i intend to do anything about it, she & i are both in relationships, just acknowledging it...

it's just a thought - i said -

i like that thought - nippy said -

we started playing (music) again and we made mistakes - both of us in the grip of that thought...

x

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

but never sexually dishonest

so hey... the name changed...

maybe i should change the look too...

i've got a little while before the 2nd birthday,

sorry i've been so neglectful of this blog, my about pretty much says it, i'm in a relationship and maybe it feels a little dishonest to my girl occupying this place... that's not quite it but it's near...

i used to read whore blogs but i've fallen out of that habit, meaning no disrespect to the bea uti ful & intelligent women i used to read, nor to whomever reads them still,

but you know how it goes, one minute you're reading everything she writes, throwing a queenie strop when she takes you off her blogroll...

the next minute you haven't read her for awhile and it's starting to mount up, what you'd have to read to be as completely up-to-date as you once were, you're in a relationship and somehow that's mixed in with it..

and i love how once it's popped into your mind you may well pick up that habit again... check out how i rename this blog and suddenly i've loads to say...

so to the meat...

this belongs entirely within the paranoia about being cheating on section which is in a small part fuelled by a petty desire to tell her that i knew... in that possible future in which she actually was cheating on me and i kicked her to the curb...

so i began a song in my mind tonight entitled who did you put that sparkly dress on for?... it's a blues, or at least it sure the fuck follows the blues tradition, the battle of the sexes, the fear of being cheated on fueling mysoginy, or something like mysoginy, (whic i don't know how to spell)...

mysoginy being an interesting place for me, loving women as i do, i hope i could never occupy that place but the blues sure tastes of it, and in some way the blues carries out a necessary function in our human world because of that,

it's a male dominated world yes, but women sing the blues too and sometimes we all need to hate the oposite sex for a little while...

i was putting her to bed tonight, kissing her, holding her, letting her know that i love her even as i choose to sleep separately from her... and i was looking at the pink venus demilo by her bed that i'd woken up to a week ago and had acted in my dreams and i realised that a part of me was preparing to mourn our relationship...

i so fucking hope that this preparation is so much smoke that is blown away... not needed...

she came home last night, which was the 1st time in... weeks that i slept without her, and she was beautiful towards me... sucked me to the best orgasm i'd had for quite some time, brought me food because i was hungry, having run out of money the day before and starved myself working for almost 12 hours...

stroked my weary head...

because we'd talked the night before about us, about the forbidden subject of what dark thing hovers over her that she won't share with me...

and i'd told her that this not knowing fuels my paranoia...

so she was treating me beautifully because she was sorry and some part of me believes that she has something else to be sorry about...

i sure the fuck hope that part of me is wrong...

and i guess i'm interested in what i would do if i found out she was cheating on me...

kick her to the curb is what my ego says...

it seems dangerous to even think about it, and i don't want that possible future to be encouraged by the mental energy that i'm giving it, but you know this whole paranoia about being cheating on section could just be so much seatbelt material before i push down on the accelerator...

the perfect subject for this blog because i don't want anyone in my physical life to read this, but i need to say it...

x

Monday, June 12, 2006

sleepless

had a beautiful sunday with my girl...

ate really well at lunch time (our breakfast), then took a blanket, some grass and a bottle of prosecco wine to waterlow park,

chilled out there for a few hours, came home, after a small while we went out again to the pictures, to see a british film called "confetti" which was better by the end than it had seemed about a 3rd of the way through, full of really great TV commedians, not all of whom were as great on the big screen...

then home via crystal... more food,

found out that i've run out of money, never a good moment, i'm over the initial shock now but it wasn't nice...

and then when we went to bed, we didn't have sex, i've wanked over here on the internet, don't know what's going on still, not dissimilar to my last post in that respect, still something she's not telling me,

and still moments when i'm not hard... i acknowledged it tonight and she laughed at me...

i always used to love it that i only had to kiss my lover and i would get hard... that's not where i'm at now...

so here i am, long having neglected this blog, finding myself gazing at an oriental woman sucking cock and coming here sat on the edge of my bed instead of coming over there deep inside her bed and inside her...

i think we'll be alright, i hope we can weather this... famous last words...

(please excuse spelling, not so bright sometimes)

x

Sunday, May 14, 2006

a dark place

something is upsetting my girl...

she won't tell me what it is... it makes her want to be alone, partly through a desire that i don't see her like that...

i'm a caring man and i hold her and love her through this, even as i feel i perhaps should be leaving her alone...

she cries... she's the kind of person who doesn't cry very often, holds it in, but when she cries she really cries...

i have on occassion been violent in my sleep, she thinks it's because i have unresolved angry things going on that come out there because there's nowhere else they can come out...

when it happens she wakes up crying and takes a long time to calm down... i hold her for ten - fifteen minutes as she cries...

i think it's a similar thing, the tears that she suppresses in her waking life come out at those times and it's like a flood when it goes above the levee...

so i've asked her to tell me what's going on...

one time recently i told her i was scared she'd met someone else... and this just made her cry all the more...

my ex girlfriend P is almost around at the moment because she was going to cut my hair, although i doubt that's going to happen now, my girl now gets jealous of P and it freaks her out and i wondered if this was part or all of what is upsetting her, but she says it's something else...

we were just in a cafe and careless whisper came on... guilty feet ain't got no rhythm... she looks a little bothered by this song, or so i think...

and here we are, at the crux of it,

i have a dark place within me that thinks she's fucked/kissed/sucked another man and that this is what is upsetting her, the guilt of it...

and if that were true, i could read it into all kinds of pieces of her behaviour...

but i don't know... i don't even think it's likely at this point... but of course this comes and goes... in the cafe, and walking her to the busstop i was already confronting the man in my mind...

i don't know what i would do if it were true, i really want her to tell me...

i write it here so i don't have to carry it around... (i hope i don't)

x

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

pornographic thoughts

oh long neglected blog...

what can i say?

being in a relationship...

so three things...

firstly a strange shift in my relationship with my girlfriend... for a little while a week or so ago i was having trouble getting an erection, not always, but sometimes...

a complicated business, not helped by a desire to please her and therefore more internal pressure to get hard which just gets in the way,

anyway, even though she's on the pill she told me that she's pregnant, and she's going to have an abortion, but that this has signalled a change in her attitude to having children, she has previously been dead against having kids, something which has been at odds with my desire to procreate,

my attitude has been that she's young (24) and that with time she may come round to the idea...

well the thought of this potential life that we're going to cut short has made her realise that she's moved a little in relation to having children, she can imagine it now...

and this seems to have largely cleared my erection troubles... strange world my head is...

2nd thing, at a readthrough of a play i'm doing music for this morning and internet porn is mentioned... my girlfriend is at work and won't be back now until 11 tonight... i get home and just that mention is enough to fire up this computer and seek out some pornography, a quick stroke and orgasm... porn itself probably not a good thing in the fight to keep my cock hard for my girl but there it is, and it's such a rare thing nowadays... hence why i bring it up...

and finally G gets back from america today and tells me a story about him & T in this house, she invites him to her room (before he went away) and asks him to blindfold her and touch her... this is such an erotic image for me... a few days later they have sex all night... then he goes away for a couple of weeks, now that he's back she's away for a month, when she gets back he'll be away for a month...

i think it's partly because i wanked only an hour or so before this conversation and that erotic, forbidden part of my brain is working already... but also because of a fantasy i had just before me & my girl got together that me, G & T would all fuck...

now they're at it... rich erotic fantasies if i choose to go there...

but as to whether i will choose to, fidelity to my girl in my mind...

an interesting thing actually, and part of the problem with my attitude to fucking her had been that sometimes i would think about other women, or pornographic thoughts in general while fucking her, in order to come... coming has often been hard for me, not only with my current beautiful woman... so i'd be fucking her hard, but in my mind i'd be away from her...

this is why in general i think porn is damaging to my sex... i think i've been able to move things in my mind and now when i fuck her i'm more truly there, fucking this beautiful woman... but it concerns me... maybe it's a scared reaction to being in a long term relationship...

ok... one more thing... the fourth of you will...

me & my girl went out a few weeks ago to a swanky restaurant in town, very expensive, very nice indeed... me in my suit, her in a fantastic dress...

i came back from the loo at one point and i said to her that the toilets are so great i think we should have sex in them... well the ladies and the gents are very close together and i'm not wearing any knickers so... was her reply...

no trouble with my erection that day as we stole into a cubicle in the ladies and she sucked me before bending over the toilet while i fucked her hard from behind...

x

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

bleak for a moment

came back from a night away from my girlfrind and just now i feel paranoid that something's happened while i've been away...

foolish, but there you go...

x

Monday, April 03, 2006

jealousy

she has it bad...

it seems her ex treated her bad & cheated on her, leaving some dirty water in the way she expects men to behave...

and when me & her were just beginning, neither of us admitting to taking it seriously, i was flirting with someone else who i met on the internet, a poet...

once me & my now girlfriend started getting more serious i stopped seeing the pote, nothing had actually happened anyway, not even a real kiss...

anyway, my G has always had an understandable dislike of the poet... and she met her about a week ago, my sister was going to see the poet perform and she asked me to come, G making it right near the end...

when we got home G was in a bad space, upset, related to jealousy, so i treated her nicely, left her some space but supported her, held her, let her know that it was alright to feel like that, she shouldn't be ashamed of it...

so now she gets a message from some myspace person who invites her to a gig near us, which we go to, and in the course of the night she tells me that although she didn't really dig the music of that band she enjoyed looking at them... eye candy with guitars...

now i don't really like this... i also have a problem with jealousy... the trouble is that she thinks i have no reason to be jealous because of the situations i put her in... or rather, that i somehow deserve it... so while she get's jealous and upset i comfort her, but when i get jealous and upset she doesn't even begin to comfort me...

this jealousy thing bit me last night and i'm still under it's spell, bitter fantasies as i cycle to work, extended into fantasies where i leave her because she's had an affair... horrible stuff, and i won't be seeing her tonight... she left a note for me which i read when i got in, a lovely note that i didn't want to read, i was so wrapped up in my destructive mind...

jealousy...

bullshit...

x

Saturday, March 25, 2006

blanking

things are a little bit agro in my mind these days...

something i don't really want, but someone i live with has gone completely over my acceptable behaviour threshold, i just walked passed him in the corridor and he said hey, i said nothing, i think he then said something like orgasmcurious is blanking me to his partner, spanish M, hoping by mentioning it in my presence to get me to talk i guess...?

anyway, i'm not ready... i know that the way out of this situation is to talk but i'm in no hurry to do so...

i don't want to go into the in's and out's of it here, just to say that it troubles me, to live with someone who has gone over that threshold but who makes no apology or acknowledgement of it... maybe doesn't even know... i don't want to carry around hate, the knowledge that he has treated me in a disrespectful way eats at me, is hard to ignore, but i want to live my life in love... this is my challenge...

an it coincides with me blanking this here blog... haven for my sexual and frank thoughts... it's been over a month since i last posted and this is rubbish... every now and then i will get a visitor to my other blog from here and it reminds me that this place exists... last night i got a comment from my last post here...

so here i am..

6 months ago today me & my G first kissed... under a duvet that i'd pulled across us... ah... GG... under a duvet i said to her... we'd been watching night of the living dead together...

thankfully, in contrast to my wierd agro attitude to that man i alluded to above, my relationship with G is fantastic and loving... last saturday we'd been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 months, this saturday the unofficial 6 months... like the queen having two birthdays, we have two anniversaries...

today i went out and bought her flowers, something i haven't done until now, and she reminds me that no man has ever bought her flowers... afew weeks ago i was drunk and stoned in bed with her, farting hugely & regularly, suffering because of this and because she'd bought herself flowers and i still hadn't...

i don't come everytime we have sex, we went from having protected sex to unprotected sex since the last time i posted here and i think the shift was a little tricky for me... of course, before it happened i assumed it would just be great... easy... in reality i had real trouble coming... perhaps because i was overcompensating for how much easier it is to come without the condom to slow it down...

anyway, it's settled down pretty much now and i come maybe every third fuck... this week we fucked a fair few times and i didn't come at all until yesterday and then yesterday i came twice in one day... firstly in the afternoon, a spontaneous fuck that came from nowhere... a real, pure, full orgasm as well, not the cut off kind that i get sometimes...

then in the night she sucked my cock in that determined/stubborn way of hers and she made me come again...

in fact i think i hear her coming in from work, although it would be early if it was her... she's meant to be going for drinks after work...

i want to see her face when she sees the flowers...

x

so this is my life at the moment, full on love and shady distrust... strange mix... oh and i'm writing quite a lot of music/lyrics right now too...

x

Saturday, February 18, 2006

life imitates art

the night after i'd been able to write some lyrics to the sleep tune i scared G in the night by odd, possibly violent sleep moving...

yesteray on a tube heading south i was able to move forward with the lyrics, it was the same time of day as the previous lyric writing and i was really tired (also - similar),

in the lyrics i wrote on the tube i mentioned moving around in my sleep, including a lyric about my hands being at her throat which is an exageration or guess as to what happened on tuesday night...

anyway last night i was woken up by her shouting and it seems she'd woken up to my hands at her neck...

once again i scare her in my sleep directly after writing lyrics, and the nature of the scaring is matched by the lyrics i write...

wierd...

x

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

sleep violence

after i posted last night i did a little work on the lyrics then went to join my beautiful G in bed...

she was asleep, murmured sweet nothings to greet me, rolled over and put her arms around me tightly...

even asleep/half asleep my girlfriend is deeply sexy... i kissed her gently and touched her hair, her neck, her back, her arse...

she gradually moved towards me, away from sleep... my cock became harder and bigger... you know how they do...

she still wasn't fully awake as i pushed myself inside her... but she was awake then...

a beautiful fuck... we're still awaiting the results of our respective sexual health checks and so are still using condoms, just how beautiful it will be when the news comes through (assuming it's the right news)...

really lovely it was, i found her pyjama's again and she fell back to sleep fairly quickly, i took a little longer to drop off..

then around 7am (which was some 3 hours or so later) we woke up...

in my dream i think i was accidently spilling hot tea on her, in reality i may well have been dragging her by her face to my side of the bed, it's very unclear...

she has a scratch/mark on her face this morning...

my first conscious memory is her screaming sorry to me, in the way you scream sorry to someone who is abusing you...

i held her head in my arms and she cried and cried and cried...

it took a long time for her to calm down... during which i was waking up more and more, asking what had happened...

she remembers waking up to me above her, grabbing her and shouting at her...

i do dimly remember shouting...

a small possibility that it was all her dream and i woke up responding to her screaming... but then how did she get the mark on her face..?

or that it was all my dream, i really did something that shocked her awake from normal sleep...

perhaps more likely both of us were in some vivid dreaming and i did something (i do move around in my sleep) which resonated with her dream and then all hell broke loose...

we'll never know...

after i'd held her close and soothed her and she finally fell asleep again i lay there for awhile not able/willing to get back to sleep...

if it had been me being violent to her whilst i was asleep... i hate this thought... (still hate it now)... sleep became a threatening thing...

we're fine this morning, a little shaken but fine... i managed to get marmite in my hair during breakfast which was maddening and funny, i love her...

and all this on top of the lyrics i'm trying to write about sleeping with her...

as though my wierd sleep moving around wants to get in on the song, doesn't want to be left out so it rears itself in the night to remind me that it's there...

x

sleep

starting writing some lyrics to a tune i began back in the autumn...

back then i was still in between things with my G, we'd started but we kept stopping and it didn't seem to be a good idea... i was interested in another girl, wrote a few lyrics one day for the other... although also for G, sang it in it's unfinished way at a gig at work...

anyway, things with G became a whole lot more real and now i'm back at the tune from today's perspective...

but hang on, i think it would help me to think about what it was going to mean... not concerning the other girl but G... this tune orginally came about due to a mix of some great chords and also a song i'd started writing for exparttime, all that time ago, a sad song about loving in the half light...

before i'd properly commited to G i was aware that i was under the spell of a few different women... under their influence...

even as things started to get going with G i wanted to write the song as an expression of this flux of influences...

then when things came out into the full light of day for me & her, i still wanted to trace that change, from halflight to full sunlight...

but i never did...

amd now i'm writing the song about sleep... i'm tentatively calling it the nuerotic love song... so far it's about the fact that she sleeps more soundly than me, and so when i sleep with her i get less sleep... this is a slightly dodgy leap but it's based on a kind of truth, exagerated for the song... i don't know how to make the link clearer yet...

the next step is that i'm older and therefore i need more sleep...

but i want to spend every night with her... and therefore i will gradually disappear as i get less and less sleep..

the chorus will be something balancing this, some straight ahead expression of love, although i might mention that i'm writing it as an anti-valentine, or at least that i'm writing it on valentine's day...

which will only partly be true...

so while i was writing these lyrics earlier tonight i realised that i was genuinely tired, so i took a nap, i fell asleep netween 7pm and 10pm...

so now she's gone to bed and i'm staying up a little while writing, (well... blogging) that nap coming between our sleeping patterns...

funny how art effects life...

x

Thursday, February 09, 2006

ever more beautiful

cycled over to paddington today where the sexual health clinic that i'm registered with is... not without about an hours mislaying it by looking for it at baker street...

exactly the same thing happened last time i went there...

anyway i found it at last and waited, at first in the company of some very irritating teenage girls, then in the men's bit... all because me & my lovely girlfriend are heading for sex without condoms..

she's already started taking the pills, just the checking for both of us and we're there...

as i told her last night, the very beautiful relationship we already have, to move to unprotected sex...

could be just too beautiful...

so they found some small evidence of NSU... gave me some antibiotics and told me not to have sex for a week...

which, now i think about it, happened last time as well, last time i ignored it because the very notion of not having sex...

not sure what to do this time, the results will take a couple of weeks anyway...

not quite the imediate thing i was hoping for...

haven't yet seen her since it happened, i've heard her come into the house, i've just been stuck at this computer downloading tunes from soulseek and playing chess...

hmmmm

maybe a little waiting before we usher in a new world..

x

Sunday, January 22, 2006

aura reincarnated

watched flash gordon last night with G, ridiculous film, some great images, some terrible moments, some huge overacting...

we concocted this notion that after the film was made in 1980 the spirit of aura, the very sexual, predatory daughter of the emperor, floated around for a little while before being reincarnated as my G, born in 1981...

she is definately the foxiest thing about the film, way more sexy than dale arden...

aura is seen here being whipped, a potent scene that we both remembered from when we'd first seen the film...

the mischievous aura fits well with G and she gives us a little role playing option should we choose to go there...

i've just left G downstairs where we got all turned on just now, fully clothed, i'm meant to be working and she's banished me up here for now... funny how my erect cck can seem so hard and yet be clearly so much harder given a little more erotic suggestion and holding... can't wait to fuck her...

sex is good between us...

i'm very lucky, we're in a good place...

x

Saturday, January 14, 2006

dead PC so longtime no post

i've been without my PC for one week and i don't post from the communal PC downstairs to this blog because it lives in a place where people walk by fairly frequently...

really don't want anyone from this house reading this blog...

anyway, me & G are happy, it seems my erection problems have disappeared as my doubts about the relationship have disappeared... she makes me happy and i make her happy, it's like moving from a half-lit pre-dawn into the full light of the sun...

very different emotional worlds...

a few times now we've not had sex for some reason but have got really turned on...

subject to the vibrations of lust that the earth contains... i really like it, just hanging out one minute and then being totally taken over by lust like it's cocaine or ecstacy, such a powerful drug, then to drift back to just hanging, as though we're on a beach and the wave of lust rolls in, consumes us, then rolls out again before it's consummated...

x

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

damn sexy trust

on new years eve my girlfriend G arrived at the party wearing an amazing dress that she made herself out of duchesse satin... she was without doubt the sexiest woman there...

i was in my paul smith suit, looking good...

every time we stole away somewhere for a kiss the top popper at the back of her dress would pop open in an erotic way... just as she was sighing into my arms...

just before she DJ'd she went out and changed into another killer dress, this one pink... the popper on the other was getting too eager to open... so she came into the room to DJ to another rapturous welcome... (she'd had a round of applause on her first entrance)...

once she'd DJ'd to her hearts content i took her into my arms on the dance floor and we grooved a little, not too comfortable expressing my erotic intentions through dance but we were ok, a few other men danced with her better than me, if it was all about dancing she wouldn't be mine... but she is mine...

after awhile we stole away into the kitchen and kissed for a long moment...

it was the first time we'd been this open about being together in public, we got an ooooh from irish G & A, and spanish M chastised us and dragged us back to the dance floor...

this was about 4 am... K was DJing and he put on some drum & bass which got us going... we were heading off the dance floor for her room a few jumping tunes later and he put on billie jean which made us stay for that one more....

but then we departed, up to her room and we fucked in a joyful, joyful way...

she was glamour itself and stripped down to just the dress, pulled up above her waist, and a beautiful sparkling bracelet she was absolutely the sexiest woman on the planet in that moment...

a couple of hours later we finally fell asleep... very happy... somewhat tired...

the next day she told me another little story which i was strangely not that disturbed by... i found out later that K, the protagonist in this little story had been on marching powder by this time at the party:

it was as G was finishing her set and asking K to take over, he fumbled for his words a bit before telling her that he fancied her and that he found her really sexy... G said something about getting out of the booth before both spanish M & me had words to say to him... i arrived in the room moments later...

K is currently with spanish M, our two couples constitute over half of the population of this house... he knows about me & G...

the truth is that she was truly sexy that night (and every night let me tell you, but especially so then) and he was on marching powder, which has a habit of unmasking desires i've found... you see someone who you desire and you automatically make moves to make it happen...

so i understand... i don't dig it, it's disrespectful of both me & spanish M, but i understand... i guess i also like that i know... in the complicated shifting relationship i have with K it's good to know he'd do that at a moments notice (given the right setting)...

on new years day me & G went out to the pictures, we saw march of the penguins which was perfect for us on that night... we were talking about what had happened with K and G mentioned that of course i fancied spanish M... something i squirmed a little with but admitted to... whilst telling her that i belonged to her... because even though i have fancied spanish M and still do i guess i have no intention of doing anything about it...

and i think that's also why i'm not that bothered about K... me & G are in a really good place right now and it doesn't matter what anyone else does or wants to do... i trust her and i hope she trusts me...

x

Saturday, December 31, 2005

missing

came back from the countryside yesterday & arranged to meet G on her way to work...

many kisses on public transport...

then when she came home last night we retreated to my room after a little socialising with the house at large...

a huge, un-deniable need to fuck her... no problem getting hard... staying hard...

it was beautiful, long...

the pure sweetness of holding her in my arms, either sleeping, awake, fucking or not,

so - in relation to my troubled erection issues of a week ago - all doubts gone, fucked long & hard and came... then not so long afterwards she coaxed it back into shape again and we fucked more & more...

as if it would be any other way though, not seeing her for just under a week... that's going to do it...

oh & i've started getting mysterious spam comments, it happened awhile ago but i turned on comment validation or whatever it's called and it stopped,

but roughly once a week for the past three weeks i've had more-or-less random, short comments, on posts from october 2004... you know you get an email when someone leaves a comment, but it doesn't say which post the comment is from, scrolling through old blogness finding it...

also each time it's happened my sitemeter hasn't register anyone being here...

first this post, then this one just before it and when i got home after my week away this just before that...

anyway, i'll email blogger i guess at some point, just a curiousity for now...

x

Saturday, December 24, 2005

beauty and troubles

going home to my mum & dad's in about 15 minutes, already had a glass of wine with M in the cafe... a little glowing therefore...

me & G have spent every night together for the last week and it's possible that my cock is responding badly to that...

maybe i'm not as young as i once was, or maybe my doubts about G (rarely surfacing these days) have a price they exact from me but i don't get hard so easily these days...

i struggle to keep it from G but it's daft because how can you not notice that your lovers cock is really hard & big one day, and a little less hard, a little less big the next...

like i say maybe fucking every single night is not a good idea... or maybe i need to work out something in my own head about it...

last night as a goodbye we had a bath together for the first time... she let me go down on her also for the first time, she says she has trust issues with that...

then after we tried and failed to fuck in the bath (lubrication issues) we went back to her room and loved until we fell asleep in a heap...

it's like i can still fuck her good and hard and long, longer even, i can still give her what she needs, but i'm in an odd space with it..

i'll be back here on friday and i won't be posting until then, but then i appear to be about that slack anyway with this blog these days...

x

Sunday, December 18, 2005

second coming

odd to have been fucking her for a couple of months and for last nights orgasm to be only her second orgasm in all that time... but when she comes she is truly gorgeous... she's really beautiful anyway but when she comes...

our first night apart for a few and she was just saying good night when i started kissing her passionately... almost biting at times, she responded in equal measure... she was lying on top of me and i pushed upright and down again, pinning her arms above her head...

the hard end of kissing...

i told her i wanted to take her clothes off, half expecting her to say no... bed & sleep time... but she was just as eager as me and we stripped...

after which she bent down and sucked my cock in that fabulous way she has... i reach over her perfect arse and fingered her cunt for a little while... wet...

so i pushed her onto her back once more and pushed my cock slowly but surely into her cunt... as deeply as i could... reaching behind her for the condom... remaining motionless inside her while she grinded a little against me... both of us in a heightened state of sensation and arousal... just the slightest movement of my cock in her sending us both gasping...

pulling out i put the condom on, slightly foolish we're becoming, accidents can happen even with just that amount of unprotected sex... anyway, fully enveloped in rubber i pushed it back in... the same deep, deep, largely motionless penetration...

then almost all the way out and short, slow strokes, pushing only just inside her, but deeper with each one, building up until i'm fucking her as deep as before but now vigorously...

i don't know how long we fucked...

just heaven, some of the time with her on her front, doggy style, she touching herself...

but beginning and ending with her lying on her back, our arms around each other, her hand between her legs, getting crushed by my body as i fucked her... kissing all the time...

falling deeper in love with her, i'll be calling her my girlfriend before too long...

x

Thursday, December 15, 2005

full moon poetry

i've been working on a film over the past few weeks... shot back in october, finished the editing last night... burned it onto a DVD and me & G watched it together, not a word spoken between us...

it's a collection of tiny video clips of the trees in a park near our place... no narrative...

30 minutes long and i was nervous that she wouldn't like it, but she told me that she did, said it reminded her of something poetic she'd read that day... a certain magic was in the air from our focussed attention on the film...

the full moon was shining down through the window (our tv room is at the top of the house, the window is in the roof), we kissed in a beautiful way... i became very aroused and told her just how much i wanted to fuck her... we'd both gone out and bought condoms but neither of us had any on us...

we just kissed and writhed for awhile and then i mentioned something we'd briefly spoken of before... feeling how it would be without a condom...

just pushing my cock into her cunt, not fucking...

foolish stuff, the very notion that i could have my cock so intimately close and inside her and not fuck her...

anyway we initiated it... she took off her trousers... i mine... ever so slowly i penetrated her... just a little caressing of her clitoris first... such a beautiful thing... kissing and writhing all the while... heaven... poetry...

it was too much of course so we had to stop it... several times... we parted company at last and went to our separate rooms... she got changed, smoked a little, i trimmed my beard and got ready for bed...

she came in to my room a little later and we got into bed like a married couple... all organised... not this mad wrestling and then fucking like we've been doing recently (more on that in another post), softly into bed... arms around each other...

kissing, arousal...

fucking, with a condom, slow again at first but no restraint needed this time... not a marathon by any means but a beautiful fuck... our mad fucking over recent nights have been without coming for me... a glorious orgasm this time...

fell asleep in each others arms... woke up this morning to go to work, she lovely and asleep, reaching out for me, holding on to me... she hates me leaving her in bed...

blissful

x

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

orgasms

it's been over a week since i posted and for that i apologise, slack of me...

me and G are going strong, i've announced her on my normal blog as my squeeze, a name suggested by filmo, who coincidentaly has moved back into this area...

on monday night we watched the last of the first series of lost which i'd downloaded using bittorrent, me & her have always been associated with watching TV, from the very beginning when we got it on while watching the dead movies...

we were lying on my bed watching lost and i felt the need to take off her trousers/tights/knickers and push my cock into her cunt from behind... this i did as we continued watching the episode...

we desisted after awhile and watched the finale... cliffhanger... then after it had finished we got intimate again, this time with her sucking me...

which she has got damned good at... to cut a long story short she made me come in her mouth... only one other time that's happened with her, and only two times with anyone else...

once i'd recovered my erection i was caressing her cunt and her clitoris, i put on a condom and started fucking her while she reached down and touched herself... we fucked like this for a good long while and for the first time since we've been sleeping together she came, in a huge fashion...

the first time she's ever come like that with someone other than herself...

so on the same night we both got to a place that we rarely get to...

nice

x

Saturday, November 26, 2005

erectile dysfunction exparttime

exparttime first... she'd texted me earlier on this week with:

have i fallen off your favourites list?

she's been quite active ringing me up recently and i've been a bit slack ringing her back, i felt like replying that this was quite a good description of how i felt but i didn't...

on thursday night i went over to bo's for dinner, i was looking forward to seeing her on her own but she invited filmo and exparttime as well, it was nice enough, me & filmo are fine again since i saw him at bo's party a few weeks back and told him how angry i was at his blog whistle blowing, i'm rarely that fussed about seeing exparttime these days...

anyway early on in the night she was describing some internet dating thing she's doing to bo, they were sat either side of me, filmo opposite, i started telling him about G... two conversations at right angles to each other, one of which was a signal to me that she's single, the other a signal to her that i'm not...

i came back to here that night and collapsed into G's bed, almost and hour cycling across london in the cold, we fucked long & hard that night... i slept in her bed for the first time...

we awoke yesterday morning in a delicious haze... holding and kissing and caressing... as ever she didn't want me to go to work... i came home after work and we fucked once more before she had to go to work... i came magnificently, the three fucks before that no coming from me... some adjustment going on inside me i guess...

then once she was home last night we watched another episode of lost and we started getting it on again but i wasn't in the right place for it... had trouble getting erect... after awhile i got hard and i fucked her mouth for awhile, came closer to coming than i have for some time like that but no cigar... told her i wanted to fuck her but she needed to go to the loo and by the time she came back my erection had gone and there was no getting it back...

strange... not something i've had before... i noticed about a month back that sometimes i didn't want her, and i wanted to hide this from her, this just another side to that, although it might not be about her, might be just my thing, fucking every night, building up to an orgasm that comes on the fourth night, then later on trying to fuck again...

need to be more honest with her when i'm not in the right place, not try and force it, listen to my own body a little more...

interesting and a little unsettling...

x

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

on & off just like us

last night me & G watched an episode of lost from the comfort of my bed and then...

she is already really good at sucking my cock but she is getting better & better... brings me within spitting distance of coming... just heavenly... i'd instructed her to kneel down on a cushion by the bed... she got me into a beautiful state with her tongue and i told her to stand up, and bend over...

i moved to a position behind her and i started fucking her... her cunt... her fingers moved up to her clitoris and we remained locked like this for quite some time... the heater in my room turning off & on with every move she made... it's safety feature turns it off when it's moved...

it also shines a glow onto whatevers in front of it... the glow then not the glow, heat then no heat, lent the proceedings a slightly hallucinatory feel...

i pushed her onto the bed on her back and i fucked her again all the way to my heavenly orgasm... beautiful fucking...

then we slept together, soundly... a blessing in itself...

x

Sunday, November 20, 2005

coming after the third fuck

i think it was because i wrote that i was sad in reference to something beautiful ending in my regular blog and she read it... on friday night i was just taking out my contact lens and i heard her so i called her name and she came into my room... gave me a hug, told me she was sad, kissed me, illegally... kissed me some more, lay down with me on my bed...

i'd come already through wanking that night... i was really tired, she put her arms around me from the other side of the duvet... she got me a glass of water... she turned out my light...

looked after me... then retreated to her own room...

very sweet...

then yesterday she lent me some money (long story as to why), then went to work, she was late coming home and i phoned her, asked her to come into my room when she got in, (around 2am), which she did, got into bed with me, a little drunk, sucked me and then fucked me furiously, she said she wanted to make me come...

i stopped her, took the lead for awhile, it was one of those long fucks where my coming was a long way off, and in fact it didn't come...

we fell asleep together, really slept as well for the first time... then this morning we fucked again, not so long, again no coming from me... (or indeed from her as it goes, still no orgasm 6 - 7 weeks into our affair - very odd - i told her i want to have a bath with her... we'll see what it takes)...

then we parted, each doing our own thing, coming back together for lost in the early evening, an hour to spare so we made love once more, this time i came in a lovely way...

so it's on again... no idea where it's headed but the fact that we slept through the night together is encouraging...

x

Thursday, November 17, 2005

full moon

just a closing note about the G thing...

i saw josiah yesterday, took the train down and saw her and grace for the day, coming back up for a rehearsal and then the eventual finishing of me & G in the early hours...

also last night a full moon shone down on us, or would have done had we been in a slightly different part of the TV room...

josiah was there at the very start of me & G also, on sunday, september the 25th...

might resurrect that tune i began a month or so back, the one i performed at the open mic... take advantage of this coherent sadness i feel about G... getting lazy about linking to my own posts... better stop blogging... warm up my feet..

x

sad

this morning we woke up together (spelling all over the place) and i wanted to go to brighton with not much time and she wanted to keep me in bed...

tonight after my brighton day and a rehearsal tonight, not to mention her big day of work... we watched TV with K & A, funny telly, but K & A left the room before it finished... whereupon me & G started kissing...

my finger saught out her ass... her mouth my cock... she sucked and she sucked... beautifully... this after last nights fucking, long and hard, no coming for me, we came a shade closer to her orgasm... no cigar... the erotic behaviour this morning... i wanted to come... she turned her face away at first as i started to wank but opened her mouth wide to receive my sperm...

and when i did come it was that lovely sensation of her mouth around me..

but i didn't see the dark look in her eyes... she was dressed beautifully... i held her after... me with my trousers around my ankles, she fully dressed... just gentle holding, i started to realise the sad place she was in...

are we ever going to stop?

my words which led on to a small discussion about it, within which she said lets stop... and i apologised for going against the stopping...

an awkward moment or two... an immense gentleness that i felt toward her... i don't know what she's thinking but i feel a mixture of sadness and shittiness...

i feel like i've hurt her and that's wrong...

x

Saturday, November 12, 2005

empty

another night of loveliness last night, G slept with me in my bed... after some more erotic cock sucking in the tv room... this thing seems at least partly led by my need... a small deppression... a black mood here and there...

i've had some emotional nonsense going on that is just about washing out of me now...

we've got a party in this house tonight and i just don't feel up to it, or indeed up for it...

earlier on today i was simply upset... i'm not upset any more but i am empty...

i often don't look forward to parties... but i normally have some power i can rely on to get me through and in fact get me into the right place emotionally, that is what i'm lacking now... or maybe not you know?

maybe i've got that power just the same...

so at the minute i'm stuck on a knife edge, staying or going...

i could go down south to see my sister, she's cooking a dahl tonight and has invited me to stay... if i need to...

x

Thursday, November 10, 2005

dark cloud after erotic night

i was watching the bourne indentity with A, temporary resident of this house, and G walked in just as A was going to the loo, me and G held each other for some time.. after the film A went off to get a cup of tea and very quickly we were kissing... which got more and more erotic until A returned and then we watched lost, i kept hoping A would leave us alone again but he remained in the room for ages...

near the end of my patience i rested my head on G's stomach... slightly gooseberried A... he got the message and left us to it...

i reached as far as i could over G's perfect ass and found her wet cunt, just managing to push the end of my finger in... we remained like this, kissing and me caressing her a little for awhile...

shifting positions she started stroking my erect cock through my jeans and she gave me better access to her cunt... but i wanted a whole nother level of nakedness and erotic behaviour and i begged her to suck me.. she stood up and shut the door properly, i didn't even know it was slightly open...

i pulled off my clothes enough for her to start sucking me... she was bending over me and pushing her ass back, i pulled her trousers down over her ass and started caressing her again... pushing my fingers into her cunt, asking her if she ever fantasised about being fucked while sucking a man... telling her i would love to fuck her with a dildo while she sucked me... really fucking her with my fingers now i told her i'd love to see her being fucked by another man while she sucked me...

my fingers sought out her anus and i toyed with her a little... testing whether she wanted that... the way she moved made me know for sure that she did indeed want it and i pushed my finger inside her ass..

fucked her for awhile with my finger... she writhing about but still sucking me so beautifully...

it really seemed to me that i was going to come in her mouth, something that happens very rarely for me... but it didn't happen, in the end i asked her if i could wank over her face... she rested her head on my stomach and i touched myself to coming... she opening her mouth wide and enclosed me with her lips... such heaven...

it felt so right... i found myself telling her that maybe i should keep her... in a box? no, keep you as my girlfriend... you don't want me as your girlfriend, stupid, well, we already know that i'm stupid...

after this she didn't stop kissing me...

i crawled into my bed a little later and slept... alone...

woke up today after not enough sleep and just had a dark cloud over me...

cycled to work full of bitter fantasies... got to work and taught hard stuff all day really alright in myself but when i got in the house tonight i was right back in a dark place, two of my flatmates who it seems are together now (just as me & G are kind of together) irritated the fuck out of me... i stayed in my room and watched firefly, the scifi series which i'm almost all the way through now... cheered me up no end...

i'm curious if there's a relationship between the dark cloud and the love last night, or if it's just this week of working hard... or indeed something else...

x

Sunday, November 06, 2005

in between

partied over at P's after the bonfire on victoria park... the houses of parliament burned down for our pleasure, then great fireworks, then met up with her...

she being the internet woman who i've met a couple of times already... really nice, bubbly, young, maybe a little too young? although older than G by a year...

we almost kissed as i left, a certain lingering in the corridor... she quite drunk, me less so, i'm going to ask her to the party in this house in a week, which she might well not be able to make, busy girl as she is, but if she does make it it will be interesting and potentially awkward with G... who'll be in full rockstar mode...

this last week, me & G have been skirting around each other again, i have really wanted her... a desire to be holding her and fucking her... as my last post said we fucked this time last weekend, we fucked again on... thursday? i think... beautiful fucking... the last time as we have often said... i'm fairly sure she's been reading my other blog somewhat deeply, although she says she's only read it a little, which would mean someone else in this house has been reading it... but i think it's G,

kind of glad that me & P didn't actually kiss, still would like to have some time in between my love affairs, even if only a week...

x

Monday, October 31, 2005

bleak & rosy

writing this with 6 hours or so of sleep ahead of me before i get up for work... just having fucked G long & hard...

i wanted to relate a feeling from the party i went to last night...

exparttime there and for awhile now she who often has marching powder, and who is quite liberal with it to her friends has pointedly not offered me any...

from a time when she always would, and for a few years my experience of parties within that circle of friends was often with the focus of marching powder and shared experience... something happened a few months back and she never offers it to me any more.. once was favoured...

but she still offers it to my friends, so i become further and further from my friends, as they get off it and i don't...

this was the case last night, the birthday celebration of a couple of friends, both within this circle... as the night wore on and as i became more and more weary i felt pretty bleak at this continuing slight upon me... no matter what her intention i have an amazing ability to experience slights against me, particularly with her, and she is the one person who consistently slights me...

i was thinking about it today, undoubtedly better off without the drugs last night. feeling a whole lot better than i would have been, it's as though the bleakness that i always get coming down off marching powder was transplanted forward and i got it then instead, still attached to the experience as i am, just got to get to the point when i don't feel bleak at all...

but i'm now so far away from bleak, with the lovely and good fuck that me & G just shared... amazing the rosy glow we have now...

still skating too close to the fire, once more as we lay entwined in each others arms we reminded ourselves that we were stopping, this the first time we've gone that far since a week or two...

damn nice...

the last time we fucked i was aware that it wasn't the greatest of performances on my part... not that i think in those terms except when i feel i've shortchanged her... so although i didn't think in those terms tonight, the contrast is there, if we really are stopping then it was a great fuck to go out on...

x

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

colouring my day

saw P today, (ex-girlfriend P not possible new love interest P), & as i thought last week when she and a man missed my class in the evening, they got together... the jealousy i felt that night confirmed and her telling me about it today colouring my day a little...

still need to write the lyrics to that tune i did at the open mic last week (they were both there - she got really drunk and he turned up after i'd played) about being in the space between relationships and doing stuff... the danger of this, the influence P still has over me not something i was going to include but it's there and it's related...

and G caressed me very sweetly last night as i was sat @ the computer in the basement, i'd come gloriously masturbating to an online story earlier which helped me resist her charms... we kissed, we were sexual, but only in a clothes on kind of way and i gently stopped it...

added to which spanish M is now making possible firtatious advances to me... i wanted her before i even thought of G (before G moved in in fact) and should the matter come up it will be a real test for me... in one universe i wouldn't succumb to spanish M because it would hurt G... all living in the same house as we do...

i still dream of spanish M though, just dreams in which i wake up and she's a few feet away from me... i reach out and then i really wake up and she's not there...

also all those high healed shoe erect cock fantasies i had about her...

oh and one more sexually related item, goddess heather has an online video store where you can buy 6 minute clips of her videos for $8... an attractive offer to me... there's one where she's fucking a lovely buxom woman with a strapon and i may well be getting my credit card out of my pocket and my cock out my jeans in the near future...

x

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

goddess

so although she's emailed me back now and we're meeting up for a drink on friday night, before she had yet replied, and while still in my nervous state...

i kissed G again,

foolish, i apologised to her after for putting her in the position of the one who says no... (albeit after a little indulgence) and we're cool, last night she was wearing some damn sexy clothes and i think she enjoys that i find her sexy still - even though we're not going there...

this suits me,

i am of course going out with the internet girl on friday and though it's still early days it's not out of the question that we could get a little closer...

but actually the story i wish to tell here is about internet pornography, after the almost sexual moment with G on sunday night i was really horny and turned to the net to find me some visual stimulation and i came across goddess heather... a muscle bound dominatrix character who i realise i have quite a thing for...

not something i would have thought i'd go for but there you go, my erect cock begs to differ... the tiny samples of video she has on her site proved quite kinky enough to get me where i wanted to get to, and i'm considering signing up...

x

Saturday, October 22, 2005

nerves

met someone who i met online... and at one point our knees were touching under the cafe table... an awareness of this gave a certain energy and in a flash i realised that this was a possible precursor of the sexual energy we might one day share...

so my mind is now racing ahead, even as i'm telling myself to be slow... put some time in between this and the thing with G, who i told about it and who was really calm in hearing it... either she's really cool, or she doesn't want to show any uncoolness... fair enough, i feel a little like a rat but only a little,

her name is P, we've emailed back and forth a little and in my last email i casually invited her over to here, to see something i video'd for her... it was only just over 24 hours ago that i sent it and i'm nervously waiting for a response... i'm going over to within spitting distance of her house tomorrow and i could email her and let her know i'm in the area but i don't want to be too busy emailing...

you know that nervous energy that comes at the beginnings of things...

and of course i could be getting excited over nothing... maybe we won't become lovers... but maybe we will...

being in your 30's and meeting people... worse than a teenager... she's younger than me, in fact she's younger (by 2 months) than my little sister which is slightly eyebrow raising for me, my sister is the one who e-introduced us...

in other news i'm also nervous about installing a new DVD writer,

nerves, nerves, nerves...

x

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

lyrics

an open mic i want to sing at on wednesday night and i want to sing this song i'm working on, i have almost nothing lyrically, just 2 lines that i wrote back when i was hurting because of exparttime:

to have loved in this halflight,
to sing your praises here where there's no air to breathe...

the situation with G having a resonance with exparttime, although inverted, worrying that i'm hurting G therefore (in the same way that exparttime hurt me), while at the same time wanting to be free of old patterns of behaviour,

i just played through the chords on my keyboard downstairs and then walked up to my room in the dark hallway, halflit... started seeing the halflight as a positive thing... what did i say back then when i wrote that line? oh well can't find it...

G brought me a miniroll tonight... the girl treats me well...

x

Monday, October 17, 2005

jealousy

woke up today dreaming that P was lying next to me...

echoed that dream last week that the warm body lying next to me was P (actually it was G), and today she missed my class tonight and before the lesson i saw her walking with another student and when they both didn't show for the lesson i realised that i was jealous...

i'm a bit pissed and it's good to realise that this is what i feel, so i can get over it and not have it linger around just beneath the surface,

ok, toast...

then tomorrow is another day...

x

exparttime & porn

saw exparttime today, we met for tea and then some alcohol, we haven't seen each other for some time and it was good to talk to her, although i was reminded that she & i shouldn't have ever got together, and while she got a few things off her chest i was left feeling pretty ambivalent about her...

nothing i'm going to find it easy to put into words, but a lingering dissatisfaction...

afterwards i drifted into town and bought the fernando pessoa book of poetry i've had my eye on, also did some filming down by the thames, then i decided to go buy some pornography... skipped into soho and found loaded, a DVD that i'd seen some blogger i know recomending awhile back...

just watched the first sex scene and it was ok... we'll see what the film as a whole looks like later...

teaching P tomorrow...

x

Sunday, October 16, 2005

back here again

it's been a little while since our router worked, so the only internet in the house has been in the basement, the communal computer, i did post once from there but i was reluctant to because i don't want anyone in this house to read this blog, nor indeed anyone from my life in general, just people from my internet life...

me & G have fallen into bed once more since that last post and i'm glad we did, i didn't want her to realise that i was starting to not feel it... better to end with an affirmative desire i think... no need for her to question herself...

so now we're not going there, in theory, i'm not sure what it will take before we stop thinking about it, and she is right here in the house so it's hard not to act on it... but that's where we're at right now...

i was just flicking through the channels on the tv and i saw a pretty woman from the 70's (french connection 2 is on bbc1) and i was reminded about porn...

ah yes, that's what i could do... go watch some internet pornography and make myself come...

strange how i hadn't really thought of it while the router was broken (which it isn't now - i fixed it today) but it sure is nice to be able to indulge that little gesture...

this thing with G also has meant my minds been less on porn i guess... anyway, welcome back to porn, here i go...

x

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

stupid

got drunk last night with P and two other students... P was talking about how nice a drunken fuck would be on the tube home... i got home, G was here, i fell into her arms... indeed a drunken fuck was really nice...

she spent the night in my bed, i woke up at one point dreaming of P, dreaming that P was the one with her arms around me... then awoke to find G... odd, really lovely to have her there though... i love sharing my bed with someone affectionate...

then tonight we just watched part of an episode of lost together, the tape ran out so now i'm downloading the whole episode (should have done this in the first place), we spent a fair bit of time tonight in each other's arms but i'm curiously unmoved... we just kissed goodnight, she suggested sleeping in separate beds, i welcomed it... two delicious nights on the trot would be damn foolish...

but when she was kissing me i just wasn't digging it... normally as soon as we're kissing my cock gets really hard... not so tonight... not a good omen...

i said to her that we were being stupid, she said speak for yourself...

x

Saturday, October 08, 2005

end to intimacy facing fuckwit

last night me & G had words... after being comfortably curled up watching arachnophobia on TV i brought up what has been bothering me, this feeling of irresponsibility, worrying that she would get hurt, to which she replied that i should be feeling responsibility, as i was responsible for it, as i'd started it...

but she also said she wouldn't get hurt but it should end sooner rather than later and that turned out to be that... an end to our intimacy... which leaves me feeling a tuny bit lost... nothing terrible, just a little need...

we've gone from physical intimacy to no touching, on her initiative, which i do find hard, but is for the best, it reminds me of other times - with P most notably - when i've wanted to touch, to kiss, raised an eyebrow and been declined... to now be in that space with G... to have loved in this half-light... a song with no music behind it that i wrote in the shower back whe things were approximate between me & E - exparttime - which now comes back to me in the light of me & G... but the differences between the two situations are huge, the main similarity also a big difference, our dynamic similar to me & exparttime but with the roles reversed, G taking my part, and me taking exparttime's...

to have loved in this half-light
to sing your praises with no air to breathe...

that was the exparttime version, only the first line likely to survive into this version... anyway the tune fits perfectly with the chords i'm currently working on... so that's interesting and inspirational... i love it when these things come together naturally...

in other news i'm going to go out for a glass of wine with S & bo tonight, S who was the fuckwit who tried to blow the whistle on this delicate little place with a comment on my other blog... i haven't seen him or spoken with him since and it still annoys me... i hope i'll get to speak to him about it, although bo will be there and i don't really want to do it in front of her...

x

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

birthday girl

ok so it's been carrying on, the thing with G, generally it starts in the TV room and then moves elsewhere, last night she turned 24, we watched sex, lies & videotape... great film, my first time...

we love james spader, we watched crash & secretary in the last few weeks before we started the erotic...

we make half-hearted gestures towards stopping it... when i wrote my post last week i was feeling guilty, i thought that she liked me more than i liked her and it was irresponsible to do what i was doing, what we were doing...

a day or two later that guilty feeling stopped, we talked about it, not properly, but we spoke, after day of the dead last week we even stopped it... but on sunday night i held her and it came right back again...

i know i've said this before but she sucks my cock really, really nicely, i told her, as we were lying in bed early on sunday night that i've always been patient and loving with my lovers, and i've rarely found someone as patient and loving in return, she said she wasn't patient, just stubborn, she'd just made me come in her mouth, only the third time that's happened in my life...

so in fact the opposite is now true, she's more loving than me, she gives more, odd to be on the other side of that, and i can see how it could reinforce itself that situation, it's a different state of mind, recieving pleasure, and the shift from recieving to giving is not one i'm used to, also this still feels temporary, this thing, somehow this allows me to be less concerned with equality of giving...

i haven't yet made her come...

sunday night when she sucked me all the way to the stubborn end i tried and i failed... stange... not used to failing at that... she says it's not important... but then she's never had one of my orgasms...

better equiped though now as i saw P on moday and she filed my fingernails... (and she cut my hair)...

she told me she's not fucking anyone, and hasn't for 2 & a half months, odd to hear that, she's such a massively sexual person, i told her about G,

i got so turned on by P talking about sex that i raised my eyebrow to her but she declined, (this raising of the eyebrow consisted of asking her to touch my erect cock), perversely good to be turned down, she's so flirtatious with me these days that i wandered if things had changed for her towards me, and they haven't,

i ended up staying at her place, not with her, we spoke about alot, including the fantasies that i'd had recently with her in them (this one and this one)... both fantasies blurring into gay fantasies... good to be able to talk to her about it - in particular it was good to tell her about the obscure desire in this one - to be proven to be less manly than another - that comes from her rejection of me back when it all collapsed...

we also watched a little bit of porn, odd to be so turned on at times but not to be together... and part of the telling of my fantasies was no doubt to turn her on... to think of me in a sexual way... strange my need to have some kind of sexual validation from her still...

all of which is kind of telling about my attitude towards G, nice though it is, i'm not planning any babies with her... and i am hoping to meet someone i can plan babies with...

i'm reading the year of the death of ricardo reis by jose saramago and i'm struck at the moment by the similarity between this thing with G and ricardo reis's relationship with L in that book... i'll make it clearer later, just wanted to write it down to remind myself...

x

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

the dead

the british broadcasting corporation is this week giving us - the british public - all three of george romero's original dead trilogy, the third of which - day of the dead - is on BBC2 tonight just after midnight.

on sunday night josiah was here with grace, i'd had a mad day with grace's dad, drunk more pints than i had done for quite some time, grace asleep in our spare room, me & josiah went upstairs for night of the living dead, and we found G, (younger, prettier G)... so we three settled down to watch the original 60's dead film...

it's great, in it's cheap way, we laughed, josiah was asleep by the end, wrapped up in a duvet, me & G wrapped up in another duvet...

the film finished and me & G found ourselves a little more entwined than we'd realised and before too long josiah was woken by the sound of our kissing and she absented herslef from the room...

neither of us had seen it coming, i hadn't shaved, she was wearing tights...

we just kissed... a fair bit... went to our separate bedrooms before we got too far...

last night (tuesday) we settled in, just the two of us, for dawn of the dead, late 70's, shopping mall... maybe my favourite of the three... i'd seen it already so i didn't mind being distracted before it had played out, once more we kissed...

and a little more than kissed,

she didn't want to get too naked in that room and i only began to caress her clitoris, which is pierced, strange sensation that - for my fingers...

before long her hand was reaching into my jeans and...

it turns out that G gives a lovely handjob... just the right amount of attention given to that point almost at the tip of the cock... quite sent me somewhere else, gazing at the four main protagonists getting organised and killing zombies while she gave my cock some love...

i begged her to suck me... funny the places that sex gets you, how sometimes you repeat the words because you know she wants to hear them, and sometimes the words are wrung from you... that sexual energy coming up and filling your whole body...

another revelation was how beautifully she sucked my cock... i don't know if i've ever been with someone who can fellate like that... it's never easy for me to come from sucking and i didn't last night, but it was heavenly...

we calmed down a bit, watched the end of the film, it's done really well i think, the way their life falls apart,

then a pause, a moving of location, maybe a chance to stop it, i invited her to my bed...

and by the time she was in my arms i was feeling that we should just sleep, but then it seemed just as risky waking up together as fucking...

curious to not want to relate what happened in my bed having been as frank as i've been about what happened in our TV room... i think it's to do with different levels of private, whatever it is, now is not the time to tell you about the bed...

suffice to say that she got up around 10:30am and i stayed in bed until about 1pm, no work today for me and i slept as much as i wanted...

and now i'm slightly in limbo... only slightly...

can't help but feel that the dead films frame this thing... i don't know if it will have life outside of them...

but even if that's true there's 2 more opportunity's... the third film on tonight... and then the fourth one out at the cinema now...

then of course maybe there's a future for us? do i want that?

x

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

censorship

saw this referred to from someone i read and it's distressing... suicide girls seems to be some kind of indie bondage site and the FBI has told them to take some of their photosets down or face prison sentences...

Sunday, September 25, 2005

a woman under my bed

after those erotic thoughts last night i found a good story online and came...

then in my sleep i had one of my movement dreams... in which T & G - (who make up my fantasy threesome) were on my bed, naked, or at least exposed... G had some kind of light blue, swinging lamp attached to his cock... i remarked upon it... T had her legs spread, his cock close to her cunt...

i really thought they were there - in that half awake dream logic - just before i moved towards them i became aware of G's smell, a potent, manly, unpleasant smell... (probably the smell of my T-shirt that i'd worn for a couple of days)... somehow things shifted now and i moved to try and reach T but she wasn't there... only G was there, somehow T had gone under my bed...?

i woke up a bit more trying to look under my bed for her... i guess i must have turned away from G but it wasn't a deliberate thing, he just disappeared from view...

i looked towards my computer monitor and it was crystal clear an image of a similar kind of lamp (that had been attached to G's cock) but not light blue... and in a glass case, the case like old-fashioned (40's) london streetlamps... i remember it as being white - you know that kind of white that electric lights have, but the flashing monitor light is green, and i could be remembering it wrong...

i woke all the way up with the feeling that i'd lost T - although she'd become some kind of general womanlyness by now, that she was irrevocably under/part of my bed...

interesting that the smell was such a strong part of the dream, i think generally i'm not aware of smells in my dreams... also in relation to homosexuality, i hadn't considered the smell... such an important part of my attraction for someone else...

hmm

x

erotic thoughts

G is staying with us for a few weeks in edge's room, G who once went out with dr K and who i was not very nice to (in a subtle way) when he left her, firmly on her side...

we got talking yesterday about lap-dancing, strippers, we traded our stripper stories (i guess i've told that story in this space... if not i'll tell it soon, quite a good story), then we got onto prostitutes and amsterdam, he told me a story involving natural ecstacy, a prostitute, a friend...

just the sort of thing i've always wanted to do (not necessarily with a prostitute - in my mind it's generally with a willing partner - but a prostitute is maybe more realistic), i told him my limited experience...

anyway the house is quite empty these days as so many people are away and tonight he, T & i were settling in to watch a film together, now she and he were involved in that orgy that time, and i guess knowing that, and hearing his story the other night, and knowing that we had the place to ourselves until G (female) got home... in my mind i started plotting a three way fuck... i reckon he'd be up for it, and it's possible she'd be up for it too in the right situation...

anyway irish G came back from her week away tonight so we weren't alone long enough... quite possibly just a fantasy on my part and T was really tired when she got in from work so it wouldn't have happened anyway, but the notion sure gets my cock hard...

and although G being back now means we're less alone it is possible this fantasy could come to fruition... i'll let you know...

x

Friday, September 23, 2005

crash autumn

the recent film set in LA i saw last night with my lil' sister, the older cronenberg one i saw tonight on tv with G...

both good, neither works completely for me, cronenberg's a notch above this current one... for me...

and it's horny, deborah unger as the blonde accomplis (you know when you can't spell anything?) is damn horny, a beautiful full figure... spends a fair bit of time releasing her tits from white bra's...

odd to be so turned on, with a satisfying erection pushing at my jeans, so close to G, G who i do find attractive... but i doubt we'll ever get to a physical erotic place...

so now i want to come, maybe check out some porn, except that the film was so carefully defined in it's sexuality that half of me doesn't want to... pollute it... but the other half is really happy about polluting with some dirty porn...

the trouble is more that online porn, in my current penniless state, is a hit & miss business, finding those free sites, downloading tiny bits of fucking on video, much of which doesn't really do it for me, then finding something that gets me in the right frame and then...

of course i could dig out one of those DVD's... but old porn... even though i really like the odd scene, it's still old, the thrill of the new...

hmmm

wait here...

x

well that was nice...

didn't take much and i seemed to come a fair bit, that film sure had me stoked...

bizaarely it was the idea of anime porn that got me, i didn't see hardly any but the notion of it got me there, sperm dripping everywhere...

oh solitary pursuits...

autumn is officially here...

x

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

plugging leaks flirting without flirting

found out who the fuckwit was... is...

fairly positive that it's my friend S - friend indeed..?

so i had a look at how he found out about here, i certainly didn't tell him, and i can see how if you type something into google or yahoo this cosy little place turns up near the bottom of the list, so i changed what's going on here just slightly (from l****** (the other me) to l****** (some other fool) to some other fool), but google & yahoo still report things as they were, so i have to wait until their spiders trundle through the entire known (to them) internet before this particular leak is plugged... but that will happen... eventually,

meanwhile i haven't seen the friend, we go months without seeing each other anyway, i'm no longer angry, although i can't say what i'll feel when i see his devious fuckwit face... (was that not angry you said there?)

me & P went down to brighton yesterday to see grace for her birthday, then today i taught her (P) - she's now on the 2 year teaching course that i teach on...

we were physically intimate all day (hugs, holding), after kissing (on the cheek) goodbye in kingscross underground she swayed towards me a little... as though she was thinking of a more intimate kiss... i woke thinking of her and during class today she gazed at me afew times...

i think she digs me being her teacher, she gets a sexual thing from that, certainly our relationship earlier this year didn't last much beyond the point when i was no longer her teacher... and my teaching persona is more forthright than my limitless self... by necessity, & she's an old-fashioned girl in that respect, she likes a bit of forthrightness...

as term was approaching i was thinking of this and trying to keep mindful of the situation... too many times in the past i've gone to kiss her and she's pulled back, i'm deliberately holding back right now... and maybe it'll pass, maybe she'll stop flirting with me, maybe she won't, and you know maybe we'll wash our faces in that gorgeous water again... i don't rule it out, but it wouldn't be too clever...

somehow i feel good in the world around notions of romance, even though i don't have any, could be just my heart getting it's thrill from her... from this flirting...

x

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

some fool

so i woke up (late) today to find that some irritating fuckwit had put a comment on my regular blog, alerting readers to the existence of this blog... much enraged i deleted the comment, checked to see who had visited since it went up and i think there is no leakage so it's alright but FUCK how disrespectful..?

if i'm not pointing people from there to here then is it not obvious that i don't wish people to know here exists? maybe it's not obvious, or more likely this character doesn't care either way...

there you go, the closest to a rant i can muster... having multiple identities on the web and hoping to keep them separate, just like any secret keeping (like lying) it's a fraught game...

boogie nights is on telly tonight, i'll probably watch it although i should be doing a little work for my encroaching term... i haven't seen it since it came out and it's a good film, although a little long as i remember it, once the 80's pulled into town things got bleaker and when i first saw it i wasn't up for the bleak... maybe i will be tonight,

but i don't have much else to say and i'm sorry the bulk of today's post is irritation... i traded looks with so many lovely women out there on the streets today i was feeling pretty horny, but no sex just yet, the erotica remains half finished... i'll have some groovy thought provoking business some day soon i'm sure...

love

x

Friday, September 09, 2005

langour nakedness

had to achieve a couple of things today that were solutions to problems that were created last night, randomly, one of those days where in the broader scheme of things i achieved nothing...

it started out as a nice, though humid day, i had to get my bike that i'd left in town last night and when i finally got in i was so sweaty that i had to take all my clothes off, sudden and clear need to be naked...

so i removed my clothes and lay on my bed reading, loosely covered with a towel, listening to matthew herbert, i'm taking time out from the saramago book because i've mislaid it,and i'm reading mr S, a book about frank sinatra, it's compulsive stuff, i love frank sinatra from the era that is being discussed in the book (george jacobs is the writer, a valet of frank's during this time), 1950's, when he was with capitol and worked with the arranger nelson riddle...

anyway, after reading for awhile i noticed that the weather was turning and quiet thunder was just audible from a storm a few miles away... i just lay there and watched the sky change, hearing the thunder grow, checking the flashes of lightning, just the flash in the sky, i didn't see the forks... it took it's time getting to us and didn't stay too long even then, as soon as it really started raining i went down to the bathroom, discarded the towel and opened the back door, stood outside, naked in rainwater, usually something i do at night, odd to be in daylight, but good...

afterwards i put the water on to have a bath... made myself a tea and chilled out a little more, when the water was ready i ran my bath, opened the back door again and climbed in... the rain had stopped by now and there was that damp earth smell which i so love coming off the garden...

i just lay in the bath, doing nothing... transfixed by the cold tap very slowly dripping, watching the droplet grow and get fatter, more voluptuous, then eventually drop into the water, creating a double ripple, the first one, then the reflection as the other side of the expanding circle hits the end of the bath... beautiful...

in time i wet my fingers with my saliva and started touching my cock, lifting my legs a little, as if to expose my arse, my other hand exploratorily inching a finger towards my anus but no real penetration... no coming either which fitted with the afternoon, just gentle touching, some vibrant strokes but not enough to get me there, just enough to propel the langourous afternoon along on it's aimless way...

by the time i got out of the bath it had started to rain again, but lightly now...

x

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

words

had a long chat last night with spanish M, about sexuality, femininity, erotica, told her about my almost gay fantasies... the only person in my real life i've told that to...

then online i came looking at this trailer for please bang my wife... definately a thrill to be had looking at these men digging watching their wives getting fucked by another man... another point to plot on the hetero/homosexual dynamic...

as M said last night it's not so much that i want to be gay, it's that i want to be a woman... a thought... remembering that time when i was in E's shower feeling lost and singing little girl blue to myself...

hmmm

x

Sunday, September 04, 2005

stink gay beard

i stink...

i surely do...

come back from brighton to a drinks affair in my house... straight in... 4 hours later i'm about to run my bath...

i want to acknowledge a sexual fantasy i thought about (i wasn't @ home, i didn't go there) on the weekend,

also to talk a little about this smell...

sex first...

i can't sleep in the room i'm in and i imagine this situation:

both P and L are wearing strapon's...

P ex-girlfriend mine, L who i've liked for years now, P met her & told me she thought i should be fucking L...

both stunning... hot, hot, hot...

the fantasy disintegrated into a humiliation half/gay thing... (i was imagining where the story could go rather than being right in it),

here's how it came about,

P is fucking L with a strapon, L is sucking my cock... P is fucking her hard...

in the urgent situation we swap, i'm fucking her, she suck's P (strapon), then it shifts, L is fucking P, P sucking me, then i'm fucking P, P sucking L...

then they suggest a different arrangement, not so driven, the shift... they both where strapons, i become the one that's being fucked and is sucking...

somehow during this i get tied, held in some way...

just as they get me to a certain state, they desist... they invite into the space two other men who set about fucking them a really manly way, right before my eyes, perhaps some negative judgement about my masculinity here, but it doesn't end there, it closes with the men having fucked the women, they start fucking my arse and my mouth...

very bare bones and may remain so, interesting to check out how the one fantasy could bleed into homosexuality, an opinion i've heard a gay man stating, that that woman with a strapon fantasy is thinly disguised gay fantasy...

ok, so i came while thinking through the earlier parts of the fantasy, (the hetersexual parts), red-blooded man i am, don't you go thinking otherwise...

i've run my bath and i'm going to go take it...

just before i go, this smell... i awoke a few mornings ago to it really strongly in my nostrils and it smelt sweet to me, almost like honey... just that... a confused awakening (after marching powder) to an almost guilty pleasure, surprised (by waking) in the act of gorging on this nectar...

x

Friday, September 02, 2005

erotica

went out on wednesday to a surprise birthday party, did a little marching powder and when i got home i found i couldn't sleep, although my cycle ride home was pretty duracell-bunny-like...

so lying in bed i decided to touch myself, never a hard decision...

i developed this lovely sexual fantasy about dreams, a young woman, the moon...

and i didn't come, i don't know if this was down to the marching powder or just the fantasy... at the heart of the fantasy was a story i was telling to this woman, and in those situations i often don't come, it's all about her coming, not me,

so i've started writing it down and i hope to finish it and submit it to literotica alongside my other story which has been up there since...?

early september 2004, just over a year ago, about time i had another one...

x

Friday, August 26, 2005

sexual fantasy

last night after i posted i watched scum on tv, the violent & bleak film set in a borstal in the late 70's, borstal being a youth offending prison back then in the uk...

excellent film, very dark,

anyway i went to bed after but couldn't sleep, felt too much as i said in a text to catalan E, my lover from a few weeks back now resident in barcelona, in the end i started touching myself, wetting my fingers with saliva and caressing my cock...

at first it was about E, really thinking of her, of how it felt, the beauty of those nights we had together... but it shifted after awhile to P, and in the end came out like this:

once before P told me about an occassional lover of hers, a fellow brazilian who rings her up & specifies a hotel room... when she told me about him she said he's the kind of man who would pull her hair while fucking her, implying almost a sexual violence that she likes, that she didn't get from me when we were together...

so in my mind she's sucking my cock while he fucks her, something we talked about but never did, then the action shifts and she's fucking me, sitting astride me facing me, and he is gently pushing his cock into my arse, not fucking me just pushing it deeper and holding it... she moves from fucking me to sucking me, although she has to move to do this, his cock is still buried in my arse...

i come in her mouth...

this is what got me there last night, after the bath ritual, after the reflections online, after the film, all this had prepared me to come, and i came in a glorious way...

a cock in my arse, in my imagination, first in the bath and then as i came later on, interesting...

x

Thursday, August 25, 2005

ritual images & thoughts

lying in the bath, not to clean myself, just to soak because my back is still sore in the evening after i slept oddly last night, probably something to do with the pill i took on saturday night... the pill i took please note, i do choose to do drugs, but i very much disagree with the practise of spiking other people with drugs...

so anyway i'm in the bath, i've lit 5 candles around the bath, 3 down by my feet, 2 up behind my head, the central candle by my feet is between the taps of the bath and the shadow it is casting with the taps brings to mind the arachnid notion i got looking at a picture of me in high heals yesterday, (which i'm wearing now)...

just to set the scene, right now i'm naked, but for the high heals & the deep red toenail varnish, the keyboard across my knees as i write...

for the bath, which i got out of only 5 minutes ago, i had locked the bathroom door but opened the back door which gives out onto the garden, it rained alot today, cold and wet despite the fact that it's august... the door arrangement is a ritual i developed a first few months after moving in here... almost three years ago now.

the painted toenails, i was looking at them in the bath and i love that they're still there, a link to the feminine in me, i started touching my cock, looking at them, wanking in the bath is not altogether a practical thing but it is nice, i've only come once in the bath... as i touched myself, wetting my fingers with my saliva, i gradually drea up my legs, until they were out of the watre, out of the bath, like i was offering up my cock, my arse almost, similar to the position P used to get in when i made her come with my tongue in the bath back when we were together, for the first time i started imagining being fucked by a man, i also imagined being fucked by a woman with a strapon which is a common fantasy of mine but never a man... peculiar, the quality of the touching was also different, not the focussed, i'm going to come kind of wanking, but a delicate touching more like how i touch a lover when i'm bringing her to coming...

i didn't come in the end, i climbed down from the sexual side of things and thought about social things,

so that's all for now, just wanted to share that with you...

x

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

high healed shoes leading to potent fantasy

yesterday i recorded a song that i wrote for my absent lover, catalan E, today her friend D returned from london to barcelona bearing the cd of the recording, i mixed it a little quiet but it's pretty good, i'm really pleased she will get to hear it...

today i was talking with D's friend M, the spaniard who lives in this house who i've flirted with ever since she's been here, between 6 months to a year, we got onto the subject of sexual fantasies and i told her about a fantasy of mine, this gets us onto blow jobs and we carry on talking about it, about power, renouncing control, how it seems that the man is the powerful one because the woman is demeaning herself to kneel down and suck him, but really she is in power, in control... i spoke about P, how the end of that broke me, and how i still want to find a woman i can sometimes renounce control to, and how i don't know that i've ever found that...

today also was the day she noticed the deep red nail varnish on my toe nails, remnants of the party on saturday night...

later we were watching a mad film based on the character of Hanuman the monkey king of hindu legend, i can't remember the name of the film, begins with B, it has a great scene near the end with a female dancer, really fantastic dancing, great music...

anyway, cutting to the sauce i went off to have a shower and came back into the room with the high healed shoes that had gone with the nail varnish @ the party, wearing jeans but no top...

she started taking pictures... K also in the room actually, so no direct sauce possible, not that we're at that stage anyway, one shot is from between my legs, the shoes and my legs framing the shot (curiously arachnid looking i thought) my cock just visible as a shape against my jeans, we spoke about it, it put the idea into my head that i'd really like her to take some photos of me naked, with an erect cock, and these shoes and nail varnish, this quite true although also true that i would love her to then suck my cock... afew different sexual fantasies played around my mind thereafter...

and i couldn't ask her to do it, or even tell her i wanted it,

she writing a letter today to her absent lover, he in SA, mine in barcelona...

i love the idea of me in high heals and her sucking me...

hmmm...

x

Saturday, August 20, 2005

spiked

you know what?

i'm becoming increasingly suspicious that someone spiked me the night of D's birthday (tuesday night)...

the one i last blogged about.

looking back my conversation was quite free and easy... not conclusive as i'm often free in this way...

then when i got home, still in the dream of X who'd exuded sex i started fantasising about her... she was sucking my cock... you know the kind of person who you can just imagine doing the dirtiest things... one of a kind that girl...

but i couldn't come...

again not conclusive but strangely like taking E...

then last night a disturbed movement dream that normally indicates either drugs or an emotional mess,

a depression today that i couldn't shake...

none of it conclusive, but all strangely persuasive, maybe it was D's badminton partner..?

then again maybe it was noone... that old desire to find a reason for our ills, then it's not our responsibility, not a result of our decisions but someone else acting on us... it was the result of a pill that someone slipped into my drink, rather than being the product of the precarious way i'm living my life right now...

peculiar..

x

Friday, August 19, 2005

flirting

so i was out on tuesday night for a friends birthday, let's call him birthboy for reference today...

i saw X who was once a lover of birthboy, although birthboy is currently in a relationship, perhaps that will end soon, we don't yet know.

birthboy seemed to be encouraging me & X to speak and i had a lovely time flirting with her... she is incredibly sexy, something palpably sexual about her bearing...

anyway i don't know if she was flirting with me because she wanted to get a response from him, but she did get a response and quite late on he a couple of times put his arms round her in a proprietory way... (the girlfriend not there that night), when we said goodbye to X they fondly held each other, me & X kissed on the mouth briefly...

so i mentioned X to birthboy and said i would find it a little odd because of the history they had, he didn't say so at first but he was glad i mentioned the oddness...

funny because if the tables were turned i very much doubt he would find it odd and would just do what he desired, a couple of times i've felt birthboy wouldn't hesitate to enter a sexual situation that might make me feel wierd, (past lovers of mine, or just girls i like but haven't made a move with)...

and maybe X will turn out to be the woman me & birthboy have talked about who will fuck us both... you know that 2 men, 1 woman situation that so turns me on...

then tonight i was cycling back from meeting my sister and dad beside the regents canal, the same stretch that me & catalan E had that romantic boat upon, i texted her...

then shortly after a recieved a text... hoping that it was her i got my phone out of my pocket but it wasn't her, it was P, with a picture of the massive table & chair in hampstead heath and a miss u...

she who will be my student again in less than a month... our relationship only lasted while she was my student before, so while she's my student again i'm going to have to watch out for lust...

x

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

porn money thoughts

so i got an email from a woman based porn site... offering me some kind of deal... i could become an affiliate... i have a link up here and i get a little money if people join up through that link...

and it sets me thinking, i don't know if i'd have thought about it if i hadn't been drifting through these dry times right now... lack of money sharpens certain senses... if not physical senses then... i don't know...

so i had a little look at the site, and i will show it to you in time, just a curious hesitation before i go there...

it made me think about the porn i check out, maybe some pennies to be gathered from some of them,...

the joke is that any actual money being generated from this will be slow getting to me and will no doubt arrive long after this current financial crisis is over... but i just wanted you to know i'm thinking of it...

of course having a look at a few porn sites made me a little hot under the collar and before long i was making sure my curtains were drawn, reaching down and freeing my hard cock... funny how the smallest detail can push me over the edge, from a mild arousal to the desire to be fucking... coming...

licking my fingers and wetting the end of my cock... gazing at a woman in high heals, squatting, facing the camera, a woman to her left reaching and touching one of her tits... her cunt visible... lovely big tits...

this reminds me of a time i was at school - 15 or so, in CDT, (craft design & technology), i think i was lathing something... i went to an all boys school... one of the other students was talking about a porn film he'd seen.. he described a woman lying on her back being fucked by a man, then the woman turning her head and sucking on another cock...

this was absolutely the most erotic thing i could hear... it gave me such an erection, which i was at pains to hide... i think it was the first time i'd heard about this notion of a woman sucking while being fucked... such a powerful image still for me...

much later (in my 20's) i was reading a book called the bag by sol yurick, who'd written the warriors which was made into that classic early hiphop film...

near the end of the book everything is breaking down, a woman is sold to a gang... a black, street gang.. the book doesn't go into detail but makes it clear that she is being forced to take two cocks, one in her cunt and the other in her mouth...

the interracial element, and also the element of force, on top of this same erotic image... dodgy stereotypes aside it was the second time i got really turned on by this image...

now interracial porn seems a real genre out there and it does do something for me... i remember a pornographic clip i downloaded once featuring a white cheerleader in a black sportsman's locker room...

i was checking out stories where the wife betrays her husband the other day and i found a site called the dark wanderer, i enjoyed a good story before i noticed that the stories were grouped together as slut wife, interracial and cuckold stories, the black/white thing right there in amongst the cheating wife...

i'm not going anywhere with this, just thinking aloud... (tiny spelling joke suggested to me thinking allowed)...

exparttime back in the country and supposedly single, might see her tonight, i miss my catalan lover, writing a piece of music for her...

x

Monday, August 15, 2005

a certain sadness

listening to elliott smith, the posthumous album, haven't heard it all the way through yet, my ipod has died a little so i won't be carrying elliott alround with me just yet...

you know the way you listen to some things, knowing that the artist killed himself later on... the same with nick drake 30 years earlier...

so i went out to see K perform and dj, she didn't know i was coming and i got a lovely smile when i arrived, she with a guy, very affectionate, me curiously alright with it... having loved catalan E, me & K never found our timing and she deserves love like we all do...

got to talk to her a little later and she was recommending the film yes to me, the one in rhyming couplets, i was telling her that i'd seen an image from the film that touched me, the one with his head in her lap, and just this, being able to talk about this image... i wanted to talk about the night when E's head had rested on my chest as she slept (but i didn't)... that i was touched by this, that i wanted to check out the things that touch me, erotically, sensually, intellectually, and in turn touch others...

and she told me that my music had touched her...

hmmmm...

i was out out with D, we had quite a night...

now my bed and a certain sadness...

x

Friday, August 12, 2005

dreams / hallucinations

many years ago, in a bedroom not very far away, (when i lived in stamford hill), i had a recurring dream that would involve an insect crawling across me, me brushing it off, then me becoming concerned that it has gone into my bed so i get up, walk to the light switch, turn it on...

and that's when i would wake up, stood up, turning my light on...

i'd had walking around in my sleep a little before this but these dreams went on for years, roughly one every few months, a different insect each time, culminating, the night before i moved out, with a massive half mechanised insect...

i explained it to myself by saying it was a demon that lived in that room, when i moved out i had no more of these dreams... and i mean the word demon in a loose way, could be a demon that is part of my psyche, or indeed a demon quite apart from me, i don't mind...

one of the nights that me & catalan E spent together last week, (i think the second night, but i could be wrong) i had a dream in which there was a moth in the folds of the curtain, i carefully picked it up on the end of my finger and was slowly moving around the bed, i guess i was going to put it out of the room, i got as far as the fender rhodes which is at the opposite corner to where my head had been sleeping and E says i yelled, this woke her up, and she woke me up, stood as i was beside my fender rhodes piano...

it was odd to have a moving around dream whilst she was there, and it was also odd to have a moth in this dream...

made me think about the genre of the insect dreams i'd had...

don't know what to make of it...

and then hallucinations, from sleeping...

for example in the flat i moved into after the demon room in stamford hill, i was looking after a cat called busby, busby would sleep on the bed with me fairly often... i remember waking up one night and feeling busby by my head, and also by my feet, and also beside me...

more recently i've had these kind of half asleep hallucination with regard to the flickering light on my monitor, the one i'm looking at now as i write this, at night it's green light flashes on and off, unless i remember to turn it off... one such time recorded here,

so last night i not only had the green flickering light of the monitor but also the two (red) lights of the fender rhodes piano, one flashing to indicate how fast the tremolo is going,

just before bed i'd had a conversation with spanish M, who i was calling dark woman or dream girl back when i was fantasising about her last year, (i dreamt about kissing once as related here amongst other things)...

she hadn't met E before her recent trip here but they're both catalan and they got on really well, E was visiting D who is close to M these days...

M is in a similar situation to me, as her lover J has just left the country too, the day after E, although their relationship was longer than our 5 days she is pining just as i am...

i'm still wrapped up in E's memory right now but it wouldn't surprise me if me & M console each other somehow in the coming weeks...

so last night i awoke from my sleep to the sound of childrens voices (i think) in my mind i thought that M had brought children into my room somehow... after a confused little while i could see M sat on a swivel chair by my desk spinning round, i could see the shape of her head, her bobbed hair, as with each swing she interrupted the light from the monitor... i was mumbling something to her, i really thought she was there, i was trying to ask her to join me in bed but i was clumsy with my words...

after awhile i woke up some more and she was not there, the light was flashing as it always does, there was noone sat in front of it swinging on a swivel chair that was also not there...

just another half-asleep hallucination...

x

Thursday, August 11, 2005

suicide tuesday on wednesday

do a pill on the saturday and you're due some depression at some point the next week, often on the tuesday, hence suicide tuesday...

well i fell off my bike on tuesday, gave my yearning for my absent lover a certain twist, to have her tend to me... and indeed to not have her tend to me...

earlier on in the day i'd been in crouch end and found a book of fernando pessoa's poems in the book shop there, amongst them his poems as alberto caeiro that E had told me about, whilst in the shop she texted me, saying she felt alone, i texted back this one from the book:

Lightly, lightly, very lightly
A wind, a very light one, passes
And goes away, still very lightly.
And I don't know what I think
And have no wish to know.

then today (wednesday) i was with another friend from near where she is from & he fell off his bike, (actually not his bike, the bike of another friend), which bothered me a fair bit, i felt responsible, it took up much of my day, i made sure he got to his flight... i don't know...

tonight i watched the first two episodes of lost, showing on channel 4, i don't know how far behind america we are... it was pretty good, worth sticking with for now i think...

then i ended up playing cards with G (young pretty G as opposed to slightly older, less pretty G) that i live with, and who i think reacted to me getting it on with E by being slightly mean to me, i could be wrong... i brought up E, and it left a bad taste in my mouth the exchange we had over it, on balance if i'm right about the slight meanness then i'm dumb to expect a fair/nice conversation about it... but that is what i expect...

then edge came down and joined us and the evening just went all wrong for me, between them they managed to hit all my buttons all at once and i found myself not a happy bunny, at the very tail end of the night, just now, the asking of opinions and then the talking over the answers just was too much, now this happens alot in this house and i can normally deal with it, that i couldn't deal with it tells me that i'm not quite right...

and lo & behold i'm due some payment for that quarter of an E that helped make my saturday night so beautiful, so i figure i'm having my suicide tuesday here in this wednesday, and that's fair enough...

i certainly miss her though...

x

Monday, August 08, 2005

4 nights 1 in particular

ok so she's flown back home now, lovely catalan E, we had four nights together...

we had our date on thursday - the gorgeous boat trip along the canal, then that night, friday night, saturday night (the party) & last night...

the first night i didn't come, and then i came beautifully on the second night, the same is true of the third & fourth nights, although not coming on saturday night had something to do with the quarter of an E which i'd taken...

after the party had died down, me & her sloped off together, she was pretty drunk, me just happily coasting, tired now but far from sleep (the afore mentioned quarter)...

we started to go fool around and she said she wasn't sure that she wanted to fuck... this cool with me, we kissed, held each other, caressed...

i started touching her clitoris whilst kissing her, and sucking on her tits... we'd been here before but she held to the not wanting to fuck so we went alot further this time...

making my partner come is something i love doing, generally with my fingers... but it often has a lot to do with stories that i whisper in their ear...

my catalan is almost non-existent and whilst her english is alright, to be concentrating on translating at that time was not what i wanted her to do, so it was almost entirely non-verbal...

she reached down and wanked me with spit on her fingers like i'd shown her i like it all through this, until she got real close to coming... the short breaths, the urgency, it was beautiful... she was a goddess.

after she came she fell asleep with her head on my chest and i just lay there feeling priveledged and loved... still no sleep but that intense pleasure of her face against my skin...

i don't know how long we lay like this, i still had my contact lenses in but there was no way i was waking her up, this scene one of my warmest desires...

every now and again she would stir and kiss me, pull me tight, then drift back off...

then awhile later one time the kisses were more urgent, she floated up from the depths of her sleep and she was making love to me...

somehow the MDMA still floating around my brain was matched by the orgasm that had washed her body into sleep, we fucked long and hard, i don't know if i've fucked on E before, it was delicious...

but as is apparently often the case with E i didn't come, just slow, then fast, then langourous, then still, then hard...

when we were done she asked me to get out of bed and take out my contact lenses, whereupon we fell asleep together, heavenly...

i haven't had trouble sleeping with her any of the nights we've had you know, i mean it's got easier, but even the first night,

and now we'll see just how much it hurts to not have her, if it hurts at all...

x

Friday, August 05, 2005

yearning

if it's this hard tonight, how hard when she's left the country?

i want to see her, i feel limp...

i was in manolis's cafe earlier today, thumbing through his anthology of byron and i found this, which though it doesn't quite match this situation, it tastes of it:

So we'll go no more a-roving
So late into the night,
Though the heart still be as loving,
And the moon still be as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul outwears the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.

Though the night was made for loving,
And the day returns too soon,
Yet we'll go no more a-roving
By the light of the moon.

trading catalan tongue twisters by text, it would ease my mind to know either way if i'll see her tonight...

x

night of love - pain of separation

she came over from barcelona for 4 days & she's still here, two weeks later, but she is returning on monday...

we got together last night after a romantic canal boat trip,

it was gorgeous...

short on sleep (as we tend to be after such nights) i walked her to the tube this morning, intending to go with her to see this thing, but at the last minute deciding against it just as the tube train arrived to take her away... the sudden nature of the separation and the lack of sleep made it really terrible... but amazingly i'm still alive... i'll see her tomorrow for the party we're having here, i hope i'll see her tonight but no plans as yet...

i was kissing her face at one point and i felt a small tear... really, really lovely time and sensual communion, to have only a few nights at the most before she goes back...

learning catalan words for kissing... holding...

so deeply delicious & right...

x

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

trickle

it's only a trickle but it's still bigger than i was expecting, and since i set that counter going a week and a half ago there have been 100 visitors...

wahey....

i started the counter a day later than my other blog and this one took a little while to get going, but it got here in the end.

delicious sexual fantasy based on a woman i met in cockfosters a few times just walking passed her house, haven't seen her for six months or so but it was hot day yesterday and i had occassion to walk by there...

she in my fantasy kind of sluttish, very simple really, i see her out side her place and i tell her how gorgeous she looks and she tells me i should see her naked... one thing leads to another...

quite standard, boring porn storyline actually, but somehow my imagination kept it right on the money, just lying on my bed, naked, touching myself from soft to really hard...

hmmmm... coming x

Monday, August 01, 2005

clea

last tuesday i went out to see K & R play a gig, whilst sat there, on my own, i texted this to myself:

& what beloved does this beloved mask? If this is old what new does it hide? K as justine but this not right just fleeting taste x generous love of clea thirsted for x

justine & clea are both titles, and characters, in the alexandria quartet, which i'm nearing the end of now...

later that night iread this to myself and was thinking about who justine would be then, and indeed who clea?

then last night i left my keys & my travelcard in the rehearsal space that we were working in (gigging @ a party in this house on saturday)... which is in acton, on the other side of london.

i don't know if i've told the story about when i left my keys/my phone various places about three years ago, hang on... who knows? can't find it right now, but it's a good story, about leaving things places, fucking, & the cat i was living with at the time hypnotising me,... if i haven't told it i will do, a story i'm fond of...

anyway i consider it a gift from the universe, i didn't see it that way @ first when we arrived here last night but i see it that way now, a journey i had to make to collect my things that i wouldn't have made today, entirely a gift...

my ipod is out of power and i would probably have been listening to it today as i went about my business, certainly walking through acton park was a different experience because of it's absence,

on the train i read alot from clea, the fourth book of the quartet, one reason why i love train travel, i get to read, but on the way back from getting my keys i bumped in E, @ acton central station, she works around there, E who is friend of irish G who lives here, really nice, pretty, hippy, but lovely all-the-same,

so we talked, she was really tired so i talked a fair bit more than her, i percieved that she was engaged though, largely...

i went one more stop than i would have done to carry on the conversation, it meant a walk home of a few miles in the drizzling rain, but it was worth it, i don't know if she's coming to our party on saturday, she's nice...

as i began my walk, once she'd got on her bike and cycled off i was struck ny the thought that maybe she's clea?

x

Saturday, July 30, 2005

emptyness & fullness

i can't believe how long friday was,

(i'm still counting this as friday as i haven't slept yet)

i woke up and immediately went round to my friend's old flat to move heavy objects out of it, (with the help of another guy who in fact did most of the work hard work),

then i went out with spski to manolis's cafe where, after i'd eaten my breakfast we chatted a little while with manolis, always nice...

whereupon i came home, grabbed my bike and cycled up the hill and back, just because i wanted to know if i could...

i went back to the flat and carried on working at clearing it, found an eventual home for the porn chair in P... drop dead gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine who would look so fucking sexy, naked on this chair, but it's impractical for porn i reckon as the wicker would chafe a little... anyway she wants it so i'm keeping it for her (currently behind my keyboard in the back room, probably still be here by the time we party next weekend, i wonder if any fucking will in fact happen whilst it's here?)..

then i came home and watched tv, K interrupting me at one point and asking about a takeaway, which we duly ordered and consumed, then we went out to get a DVD, enduring love, but when we opened the box it wasn't that but the machinist, perfect accident, an absolute gift from the heavens, turned out to be really great...

and i'm finding that days can be like this, really full...

or exactly the opposite, really empty,

sleeping late and then spending much of my waking life @ night, spending loads of time in front of this computer, can seem pretty empty at times,

(though of course it has it's individual fullnesses a life spent like this)

saw A, she's local for a few days, my last fuck... which makes it sound brutal, was with A, our energies don't mix together too well but we like each other...

thinking about P sitting on that chair in nothing but some lacy bra like the one she was wearing in the pictures she's got on her wall with one of her lovers, her all but naked, he clothed...

her text said that she missed me, and she does tend to miss me, but she seems to have no desire to fuck me, and she's so damned horny i find it hard to just be a friend to her, added to which, though she doesn't want a sexual thing between us she likes me wanting her... in this she's like exparttime who split up with her lover this week, i've been avoiding her, to an almost rude extent, i should phone her tomorrow...

all these past lovers, still floating around my brain and in my life, i just want to meet some gorgeous, intelligent, right smelling woman who digs me... new romance, that's what i want... someone to share my days, empty or full..

x

Thursday, July 28, 2005

taste being tarred

which relates to much of my life...

there are angry vibes floating around this house these day, also nice vibrations, but a fair few cookie disturbances...

me & K have our moments, i spend a fair bit of time with him these days and mostly i accept our jagged edges, but occassionally he'll push it a certain way that gets to me...

i just want to record this,

a joke which is said in all seriousness and which offends me...

only a little, and on the upside it's good to articulate one's position on emotional things, explain to myself (and hence to you) just why it annoys me... not that i want to give too much psychic energy to anger and resentment, just that i want to state my position clearly...

the gag is that because i watch big brother my taste in culture is suspect... tarring my whole outlook with this one example of something the majority of my house don't dig... it really fucking pisses me off...

i haven't brought this up with him although i'm not too good at disguising my anger so i guess he knows, and a certain amount of teasing between friends is often accesptable, that's the thing between me & K, i don't really see him as a friend, this is not recent, i've never felt that he sees me as his friend, and certainly at first i felt rejected by this and maybe our relationship since then is still tainted with this rejection? (also maybe not)..

anyway the point i guess is that this teasing, in his caustic way, is not agreeable to me and this reminds me that me & K aren't on the same planet, we think and prioritise very differently to each other... K was the one i had to ask to leave my band (which is all but defunct anyway now) because of his attitude within the creative process...

whew, i don't get do this kind of therapy blog normally...

ok, the specific thing, i reject the implicit judgement upon my tastes that is within this, i can do without that, and while rejecting i passionately accept the way i am, that i love many, many different facets of life, and yes, much of what interests me does not interest others, or at least others in this house, that's one of the great things about the internet, the ability it gives people to communicate with other people who dig different things, whatever marks them as different... not that difference is only about the internet, (deeply immersed in the internet as i am i still love hakim bey's notion that the internet robs us of real contact), the people you meet out there on the street, or indeed on the much maligned and attacked tube as i did tonight, the celebration of difference through meeting the world head on...

(must read that hakim bey interview, such a great thinker, so funny for him to be one of the few voices against the web, but that all his published works are available online - which in a way is just what he might celebrate)

x

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

sexy

a few years ago i had just handed in my tax return at the very last possible moment (january 31st) and i had spent days on it, i hadn't washed properly, i may even have slept in my clothes... i realised i was really close to where my ex-girlfriend worked, so i rang her up... we had a drink...

she came back to mine...

we fucked...

which was the only time we fucked after it finished between us, i'm no good with willpower but my ex-girlfriends generally are... (ho hum)

the reason i'm telling you this is that i went out tonight without dressing up... not that i dress up that well, but i didn't even shave, i had a ropey t-shirt on so i didn't take off my jumper all night even though it was really hot...

and somehow i felt sexy...

went to see K play a gig with the experimental laptop band she's in, nervous about going at first and really wanted someone to go with me, then in the end i had an inspirational day and i realised i wanted to go anyway, even on my own...

i arrived and they had just started, i went and sat down on a sofa with my bombay sapphire gin & tonic, listened to them play and let my attention drift around the room, watching people arrive, check out the deal, everyone dressed much cooler than me, nothing new though, some nice looking women there, started wondering whether my liking for K (she of friday night's date) was hiding any other possible romance in my life...?

anyway they finished playing (short set), and i got introduced to a few people through them, bought K a cup of tea, which please her (and me), got chatting to a nice woman name of A about seeing the people around me as animals... we got into a thing on this line,

i don't know, i shouldn't be surprised by this, but i am, so nice to be out in the world feeling attractive, chatting with attractive people...

also kind of cool to be out somewhere K was & not fawning over her...

i doubt me & K have a sexual future but you never know, showing my face out there tonight could be just the right tactic... as if i've ever had tactics in this sort of situation... never too late to start though..

x

Sunday, July 24, 2005

much to say

partly because i've left it for so long... & i'm sorry people, particularly as i threw that queeny strop when the gracious audacia cut me off her blogroll...

i don't know if i'm still there now... i've been shabby - sorry -

but also because of where i'm at right now - can't sleep, have an unwanted, unexpected huge job to do tomorrow, on a sunday...

i played six games of chess tonight against a friend, i won five games and drew one...

pleasing to win, and to play a real person, not just a computer, (even a computer representation of a real person, like i play on gameknot, real people, just not really there),

we played from about 9:30 til' 1:00am there were a bunch of people around, mainly spanish, talking and laughing and drinking while we played, after my friend left i joined them and stayed up for another few hours laughing...

so all that brain activity followed by smoking and laughing... maybe it's no wonder i can't sleep...

and then sex...

none...

had a date on friday night with someone i've liked for years, written songs for...

i haven't had an erection since then, (at least in my waking hours)... although in the last week or so i've started using those tiny clips of porn you can download for free... a long time no porn but it's been around recently...

so right now i'm slightly balancing between two desires, the one to really talk about my emotional state, situation...

the other to touch my cock, wet the end of my fingers with my saliva, stroke myself until i get hard, find that sexual place inside me and come...

i suspect i would sleep better with the second option...

about my date of friday night she was/is strung out on another man, so i know where i stand even if i don't like it...

exparttime split up with her lover, so josiah told me, i didn't really want to know...

at this point in time i don't want to go there...

but willpower is not my strongest suit...

and then i don't know when it is exactly but i've had this blog here for almost/over a year... and i haven't marked the occasion...

... hang on, gotta pee,

on friday, preparing for the date, washing my sheets, tidying my room, i came across the copy of rilke's tenth elegy that i'd used when i was preparing it for performance years ago, january 2003, the event that this out of date website still refers to, so i put it on my fender rhodes and left it there...

just now, coming up to bed, i saw it and started reading it, i used to know bits of it by heart... the first ten lines or so were-

someday, emerging at last from the violent insight, i will sing out jubilation and praise to assenting angels...
let my joyfully streaming face make me more radiant.
let my hidden weeping arise & blossom,
how dear to me you will be you night's of anguish, why didn't i kneel more deeply to accept you, inconsolable sisters, and, surrendering, lose myself in your loosened hair...

anyway, reading it now it's inspiring, i'm thinking of doing another version of it, recording the whole long poem into my computer and then carefully constructing a musical accompaniment, like the orginal i did back then, except that that was live, partly improvised, built up over a month or so of playing,...

hmmmmmmm...

also an idea for a series of three albums with names relating to this...

x

so... coming?

(yes i did, this is about an hour later... just finding those little video clips, wading through all kinds of stuff that doesn't do it and then stumbling onto the one that takes you right there... and tonight, after the absence of it for one night.. such tenderness, hmmmm i love coming... x)

Friday, July 08, 2005

bad dream

went round to P's for a meal & a haircut last night and we talked for hours... it was really nice, we were really affectionate with each other, soft...

that morning when i'd spoken to her and she'd told me about the bombs i'd really wanted her in bed with me, not to fuck, just to hold...

before i left i knew that i wanted to fuck her, almost inevitable, partly just a direct immediate lust, but also a desire to be free of the djinn (demon) that infected our last weeks together and infects me still, (but maybe it just infects me when i want her...?) so to fuck now would release me from that bad dream... or so i think...

anyway it's not happening, won't happen, for all the soft stroking going on it's not there... but it led to a talk about our last days which was healthy, then by the time i was really going i so wanted to hold her, lying on her bed... she still thought i was wanting sex (which of course i was, but not in that moment) and wouldn't lie down with me...

it all hurt less than before, but i wish i didn't want that, want it so much it's almost a need...

and the want/need for holding isn't specifically her, the desire to fuck is entirely about her, but the comfort of holding...

anyway i got on my bike and i cycled home, played poker with my housemates for awhile, came up to bed and that same desire for fucking, although without it's object, came floating back and i downloaded some porn and wanked...

then last night asleep i had one of those dreams where i wake up, but i'm still dreaming, and in this one there were three men in my room, threatening, quietly threatening, no doubt a response to the bombs here in london yesterday...

i have these waking dreams every now and again, but only once before (maybe twice) have i had attackers in the dream... the waking dreams are always scary, adrenalin pumping through me, the dreams with strange men there with me are just a shade worse...

x

Thursday, July 07, 2005

still alive

despite bombs exploding this morning on london's public transport network, woke up late to a few text messages asking me to ring them... no network, really confusing situation, eventually got through to P who told me bombs had gone off... texted my sister who had posted a plea 2 hours earlier on her livejournal for me to contact her,

to have others worried about me... touching... then to worry about others... curiously insulted that exparttime hadn't tried to contact me, the bombs all in north/central london, no chance she would have been hurt...

texted J, exgirlfriend from years back & she'd been going through kingscross on a victoria line train just after the picadilly line train exploded in the tunnel, they were evacuated through euston, she was walking to work and she witnessed the bus explode by russell square tube, retreating into the park there...

i went out to get some food, having established i didn't have to go to work, then i phoned J who was walking from the middle of town out to leyton, i cycled over to where she was and sat in a pub for a while drinking with her...

now i'm heading over to P's for a haircut & a meal... strange days...

x

Friday, July 01, 2005

mine

so it's my birthday a week on tuesday, and exparttime's birthday is 2 days before that, so it falls on the sunday, she's having a party on the saturday and i can't remember if she offered it to be a party for both of us or if i asked for it to be a party for both of us, anyway, that's the plan...

then i check with a few mutual friends of ours that they're coming and they say, you mean E's party & i say , yes, mine & E's party, and they say oh, E didn't mention that...

and it so gets under my skin, it's amazing how much this winds me up and make me not look forward to the event at all,

somehow i just wish i our birthdays had nothing to do with each other, not that i'm madly egocentric about my birthday, i just wish it wasn't about this at all, and then somehow this links up with a thought that i feel trapped in a web of friendships that i don't want, the desire to be without any of this, to be out of london, or at least out of this circle of friends...

i don't know,

ok this from last weekend, i was at a dinner given by a friend and D was there, we were chatting away and he asked, in front of everyone,

how's pornography then R? still downloading files are you?

i hated it, it reminded me just how much my barriers are important to me and that was a barrier, in company, that i wasn't ready to lower, and D is not a stupid man, i can't help but feel it was somehow deliberate...

D & exparttime had been with me @ a party late the night before and they'd got a taxi home together...

it really is amazing how the mind constructs things, plots, on the flimsyist of premises,

i've been a bit down, tonight i was out with a friend from work and i had a long talk with josiah by phone on the bus back which brought all this to the surface, josiah just babbling away about her life, me saying yeah every now and again and mulling over these things which get to me...

so not the most cheerful post people, sorry,

x

Saturday, June 25, 2005

different pictures of oneself

prompted by a comment i left on a blog, in all innocence, which now i look back on it just misses the point...

also prompted by smoking a little while watching glastonbury on tv, widening of headspace, paranoia... not dissimilar to the way justine by lawrence durrell is written, personalities exploded, fragmented...

and if i can i would like to elaborate on this - seeing oneself differently later on - which is going on here, my cock is really small touched on this...

the pervous pleasure in it... accompanying the humiliation of it... not a sexual pleasure, not an arousal from the humiliation itself, or at least not obviously that...

a link to how i define myself, or perhaps more importantly how i've been defining myself for years, (yet somehow not a cage, or so it seems)...

a recognition of the possibility of wrong, foolish, falling in any proud action, any action in fact, and accepting that, while still acting...

x

Friday, June 24, 2005

ten days and two dates later plus bath interlude

shocking people, i apologise, ten days between posts is well below par... and i'm so out of touch with my whore bloggers, what is going on in this sphere?

england is in the middle (well, could be the end) of a heatwave, honestly it's really warm, i don't know how warm but way warmer than we're used to... many sunburnt people...

i went on a date of sorts last night, the 2nd of two dates in as many weeks, the other one also a little suspect in it's dateness...

so last night, it was a wednesday, my mobile company gives me two for one cinema deals every wednesday, i love them for it, i was short of another to go and see either star wars or batman and just as i was writing it off a saw that a student of mine (C) had phoned me... last year i had a brief relationship with a student (adult) and i'm wary... she is very pretty, and sexy, she clearly wants something between us... i'm wary...

not only wary i just don't feel anything for her, now maybe i've just been extra good at keeping my lusts in check for the sake of work... i don't think so but there is a pinch of that in there...

so she agreed at once to come to the pictures and we met up and we saw batman begins... good fun, a bit silly in places but really good also, we had a laugh, she's really nice, i walked her to the tube... nothing, i paid so she's treating me next time (cheap me, doing it on a two for one), and i suppose one never knows, something could grow, but i'm not buying any hats...

and after i came home last night i felt so down, realising you don't want what someone is offering you really makes you look at what you have or don't have... and in that sphere i don't have nothing...

which is perhaps deliberately a double negative and i did go on another date last week, with L, who i've liked for years, was always in a relationship, then that ended when me & P were together, me & P ended and she'd got together with someone else... but now she's single...

bizaarely she's currently doing a version of a tune we wrote together and P recorded the vocals for her...

so we went out in mildred's in town, nice veggie restaurant, sometimes a little bland for my tastes but nice...

we had a lovely time, we talked about work a fair bit because we work together, it was perfectly nice, i walked her to the tube and there was some joke about going back to hers, we said goodbye, the most asexual kiss you can imagine on the cheek, that's that...

now maybe this is the deal with dating, not that i was straining at the leash in either situation, curiously unmoved both times, maybe sex doesn't happen on a first date..? it's wierd to take that immediate spark of lust and stretch it out and put dinner or cinema into it, i find it becomes almost entirely unlustful, maybe i'm just no good at it, i have practically never done it...

so there you go punters, my dating life...

in other news i cycled from tooting to finsbury park on monday, south to north london, it took me two hours, a really hot day, i got in and took off all my clothes, i lay sweating on my bed, my body felt spent, i started touching myself, i came in the most marvellous way...

shit and death, set a bath running, then come upstairs to blog awhile... where does the time go? i leapt up after in a marvellous way, shedding the towel i'd been draped in, legged it downstairs and have just been mopping away, luckily the water had not got far enough to do any damage but i'm glad i remembered when i did, it could have been so much worse...

i also ran our hot water tank completely cold... nice, so it's heating up again and i can't decide whether to close this day on a bath or a shower, it has to be one or the other, a bath is more considerate to my housemates... also, shall i come? oh & one last thing while i'm on baths, i came in the bath last week and it was fucking great.. i may never have done that before, i've always thought it was impractical, which in fact it is, but if the water is deep enough so you don't break the surface with your stroking... hmmmmmmm... coming...

x

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

P derail

so i was @ a meeting today about the course that P has just finished, where i met her... my boss was talking about career plans that students had to do for him and he said the most interesting one was from a student, who will remain nameless, whose career goals were to become a monk & a porn star...

there is only one person who that could be & it cast a little shadow over me in that moment... just for her to come up @ a meeting in work... even in jest, what a foolish thing it was to get involved with a student...

then L comes up to me later and says she wants to have a word, she's working on a track that was originally mine and that she sang on, she's producing it up in a pop style... i'm not really involved in it... she said she's looking for a vocalist for the track and she wants someone with a foreign accent, and would it be alright if she used P?

i told her i wasn't mad about it but that if that was what she wanted...

she invited me out to the park where she & another friend M were going to hang out for lunch and i turned them down, so derailed by this last request... twice derailed by P being mentioned at work, and really quite derailed at that... cycled away from there as fast as i could... P recently asked me if she should to a further course @ my college and i told her that she was ready to, although she might profit from taking a year out to do something else... she specifically asked me about whether i would mind and i told her that i would feel alot less wierd if she waited a year...

she respected that...

so i have a couple of demons... firstly that becoming involved with me shouldn't hold her back... i honestly think she would be better off waiting for a year before doing this further course here, it's not just my self interest i'm serving, although it does also fit in with what i'd prefer...

and secondly why does it still bother me? mention of her...

although really the question now is more about mention of her @ work... where i met her... comes back to how foolish it was in the first place...

i don't have an answer though... i think it's tied up with something to do with me & L, in my mind... when she came up and asked to speak to me i was hoping she wanted to talk about something else... and the disappointment of that mixed in with the mention of P...

hmmmm

x

Sunday, June 12, 2005

my cock is really small*

(* actually i've been told it's quite big, particularly in contrast to the smallness of the rest of my body... could be a lie to boost my flagging masculine pride... i have no way of knowing)

so i was coming back on a late night train with some spaniards, M from this house back now from barcelona, lovely D & B who i don't know as well...

while M was away D had been laughing with me & a few of us english by teaching us each a phrase of our choosing in spanish...

K's phrase was after all i am a human being like yourself,

spski's: oh, excuse me, in that the time?

G's: where can i buy something pink?

mine: if it's alright with you, can i have a go in your hammock?

which i had mastered both in spanish and in catalan, B is from the basque country,

being with the spaniards does sometimes mean sitting there uncomprehendingly as they laugh and talk in spanish, B was making some joke to the other 2 when she turned to me and said she was teaching me the basque for my phrase...

she taught it to me, the spaniards laughed a lot, i got off the train before them and as i was leaving i was saying each phrase, in each language / dialect, and i came to the newest one last, as i was stepping off the train onto the crowded platform, i said it really loudly and clearly...

and then today i saw D & M and they told me that they thought i already knew that that phrase was not basque and that it did not mean if it's alright with you, can i have a go in your hammock?... what i had been clearly annunciating to all and sundry on that train platform was in fact a different statement...

and i find this both really funny, and somewhat humiliating, but the humour wins out over the humiliation, which is just a pinprick...

it reminds me of the image i had of me being the inept adulterer back when i'd been flirting with that married woman K... this feeling that at the time you are being charming and graceful, but afterwards you see yourself as being clumsy and foolish, for some reason i really like the image, it's part of how i see myself, i relate it to the story of beyle in w g sebald's vertigo, making a fool of himself just when he thinks he's being his most dashing...

x

Thursday, June 09, 2005

pornography here in the uk

i was catching up on one good thing and i came across flea's recomended pornographic DVD's, which intrigued me... occasional porn user as i am, deeply unimpressed by most of porn as i am also... the last DVD i bought had an interesting story at first, but it couldn't last the whole film, and the sex scenes were cut in a way that pissed me off...

dissatisfied porn customer then you could call me, i mean they get me to where i want them to get me physically, yes... coming is not the issue here...

so anyway, i start to think about getting hold of just these recomendations from flea and i come across this little news item, announcing that a british court has banned companies from distributing porn DVD's by mailorder... so us english perverts have to go to the shops to get our thrills...

or can we order from further afield?

anyway, interesting still to have the recomendations... i guess i'll write them on a piece of paper and head into town one day soon, whereupon i shall definately take in at least one porn DVD and part exchange it... a deal i've known about for ages but never taken advantage of, because going to the porn shop has always been a spur of the moment deal, planning it in advance...?

one last thing... after cycling today and getting my body pleasantly tired, i decided to forego the piano playing i'd promised myself in favour of coming, i divested myself of clothing and slung an old porn DVD on, came beautifully with that delicious ache now, partly from the bike riding, in my bones...

this coupled with a marvellous orgasm last night as i was dropping off, i found that my hand was gently around my cock and my mind was filled with... hmmm... huge, roaring, toe raking orgasm... oh sex... even if i am alone these days...

x

Monday, June 06, 2005

bike

went over to P's to see D who lives with her, to buy a bike... spent £10 on a little one gear fella, i'll be going back in a week or so to check out another bike and i'll sell this one back to him if i get a different one...

so i'll be cycling into work tomorrow afternoon for the first time in ages...

i hadn't seen P for a week or 2, the last time we'd seen each other i'd gone to kiss her and she'd turned her cheek to me in a way that bothered me... i realised i still needed her and that's why i've been holding off...

so before i went round today i watched some porn and came... safely on the other side of an orgasm, which means i'm unlikely to wake up at 5am for the globalgasm tonight... but who knows, it'll be 12 hours by then so the coming won't be the reason, sleep will be the reason though... i suspect...

anyway it was nice to see them, i left fairly soon, had a nice time with her, once again she downloaded whatever was on my shuffle... gradually influencing the music she listens to.. she translated some of the words of a couple of chico buarque tunes that i love... it seems there is a verbal/lingiustic magic to his words that can't be translated, lovely to get a flavour of it from her, but forever outside of my grasp, unless i learn portugease that is...

as i was leaving she was trying to get me to stay, we held each other goodbye a few times, the last time she lifted her face to mine, i declined to kiss her... a little reversal of what happened last time, perverse the things that we think we need,

oh and my other blog turned 1 year old today (sunday) & i answered someone's questions in the interview game...

x

Saturday, June 04, 2005

out of touch

last day of term for one of the courses i teach on... got drunk with my students after work, then went into town to meet with spanna & dr K, eventually seeing sin city, which despite it's eye candy was just too much for me & spangle, eye candy part of the too much for her...

in three parts and the third part just tipped it over the edge, too long and too violent...

i'll miss my students, i always do...

and then just a feeling that i've lost touch a little with this blog, particularly with the blogs i read in this world, waking vixen, ember verity (wow, when did that change happen... cool), sacred whore... just way too behind and it's going to take some concerted effort to get back to the present... of course i could just read from now, not bother ploughing through the gap since i was last routinely checking in... but that's not really me, (that's what i think...)

also because on sunday my other blog will be one year old, this slightly younger fella started a month or so later, i've read the entire thing, 12 months of blog, in about four days... reading has replaced writing... but writing's coming back...

ok, not much to say beyond that...

x

Sunday, May 29, 2005

pawns or porn hair extensions

playing chess online & i just got down to a good position in one of my games, my opponent resigned in the other game we're playing (i was doing really well in that one) and in the remaining one i've got a knight & a bishop against their knight, so i should be alright, except that they have 7 pawns against my 3... so it's all about those pawns now...

i'm thinking of putting on another instalment of the porn, let pawns & porn fight for my attention...

saw exparttime last night, she is going through a hair extensions phase right now, her fella really likes them apparently, i don't... even now this troubles her... she still needs me to find her attractive, even though she has him... although the situation with him is a bit insecure, he won't admit to being a boyfriend, which is ironic because she never admitted to being my girlfriend...

but you prefer these to the fake pony tail i was wearing last week?

that's right,

and you don't like these, so you must have hated that..?

yes,

but you still wanted me...

which is true, i did want her...

it's not about the hair

so what is it about?

at which point i start singing that old jazz standard:

if they asked me... i could write a book...

we reminisced for awhile about fucking, we were in a cafe right next door to a house i used to live in, above a (now empty) hat shop in herne hill, she reminded me that we'd fucked on that roof, i dimly remembered after awhile...

i told her that i could tell her in detail what made me want her if she wanted... she wanted... shortly after that the fella arrived,

once more i was tempted to put her hand on my erect cock, but i didn't,

who knows where that's headed, probably nowhere, but if it doesn't work out with the fella i guess she'll be ringing me... there was talk of a party tomorrow night, some marching powder... that would be weird, me & her on cocaine with his shadow over us...

i don't think i'll be porning tonight after all, maybe just my bed...

x

Thursday, May 26, 2005

pornography again

left work on tuesday where i'd seen P, fairly melancholy due to her being there, i walked along the river for awhile, considered going into town to buy pornography but decided against it, i wanted real affection not just easy coming...

so i wandered around town abit, considered going to the pictures, rang my sister to ask her opinion of the two films i could have seen, in the end i didn't go to either but when i got off the phone to her i found myself outside a porn shop...

this was an hour or so after my original rejection of pornography and as i walked away i realised that i did want to buy some...

so i went to the shop where i generally buy my porn and i picked out a DVD called no limits made by digital playground... a new company to me... put it away in my pocket and started heading home, i rang L and idly wandered what would happen if she invited me round now, with porn in my pocket, not that it was likely, i might see her soon for some kind of vegetarian dinner date...

i got on the tube and just before finsbury park i saw spanish M, friend of the spanish M who lives here, really lovely, i asked her for a drink but she was meeting her boyfriend so no chance of romance there...

got home and checked out the DVD, in my style, which is to watch it sex scene by sex scene, so i saw a boy/girl on tuesday night, a girl/girl last night, a slightly kinky boy/girl this morning...

it's quite well made and the storyline is actually something, or at least it was, where i'm @ now with it it's got a little dumb but there's still some potential for some interesting husband/wife betrayal business to come...

and it's made me come several times (well, three times in fact) but no real surprise to that...

x

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

need coming

years ago i recorded an improvisation at the piano and called it "need sketch"... last year at some point i was coming home on a bus or tube writing lyrics on the only paper i had with me which was those tiny pieces of paper waitresses write down orders on... (waiters or waitresses, only in the cafe where i got them from it was always women)... about my need for affection, about wanting... that situation was to do with exparttime, this time i'm thinking of P, who knows who i was thinking of all those years back but it's the same vibe, something i've always had, need...

but specifically it's about asking for it... putting myself out there with a raised eyebrow, and being rejected...

i've seen P afew time this last week and i've been unashamedly up for it... she's politely declined each time... which kills me...

i was walking home from hers yesterday, after a mad day with grace & josiah, i finally relented and took them round to see her, afterwards i hung out with her for awhile and went to kiss her as i left, she offered me her cheek... ouch... i don't know why that hurts me so much but it does...

so i was walking home and i realised it's like a living creature inside me, a pathology, a neurosis, this need...

a small determination not to be in that situation again, coupled with a somewhat ridiculous fantasy in which i turn her down...

i played a gig tonight, it was a gig to mark the end of one of the courses i teach on and i did a few tunes, as well as playing in nippy's band for the first time... i did harbour walls, and a herbie hancock tune called maiden voyage which i wrote some lyrics for this afternoon, improvising the verses @ the gig...

in nippy's band we've been rehearsing for ages although this was our first gig, in the last few days nippy's got L involved on backing vocals... L who teaches where i teach and who i've liked for years... L who may well be single these days... L who is drop dead gorgeous...

anyway, knowing that i'd see her tonight, when i woke up this morning i was thinking about her and i started to touch myself... just that delicious, just woken, langourous, slow touching...

when i came i was maybe a little too eager to rake my toe nails accross the underside of my (other) foot, which i so love... the sensitivity of that part of me... but even given this possible imbalance i came in a thunderous way... i so love coming in the morning... particularly set against the rejection from P the completeness of coming in that wonderful way on my own... you can't knock it...

x

Monday, May 16, 2005

thief of all time

procrastination is the...

and it so is,

i've spent so many hours not writing reports in the last 2 days i am really impressed by my ability to procrastinate...

it is now 11.11 pm and i haven't written a single report all day, i can choose to write some of them in the 2 hours or so i'll be at work tomorrow not teaching, but the rest of them i'm going to have to write right now,

maybe this means i won't sleep tonight?

could be,

then tomorrow night after work i'm going to see herbie hancock @ the barbican, and i will be so pissed off if i fall asleep during that...

yesterday i was in manolis's cafe with josiah having a lazy breakfast... i look up at one point and there is P wondering whether or not to come in, i yell her name with the portugese lilt and she comes in, we hold hands for much of the breakfast, she chastises me for being selfish about my goddaughter who she hasn't seen since she left me...

if i hadn't had these same reports to write i might well have invited her round for a cup of tea... looked at that situation and given it a chance to flower into intimacy.. but i did have these reports to write and you know what? I STILL HAVE THESE REPORTS TO WRITE...

procrastination is the thief of all time ladies & gentleman, the thief of all time...

x

Thursday, May 12, 2005

onanism

day off, beautiful...

lovely day, washed my sheets, had a nice time in the amazon cafe with some people i'd met before @ manolis, just by chance bumped into them and had a very funny lunchime...

came home and T is ill, she's bought a few different videos recently and one of them is sex & lucia which i'd like to see, i suggested we watch it this afternoon but she's not feeling strong enough to sit in front of the tv for that long, my ulteria motive also wouldn't have been served by watching it with her being ill...

a long dormant sexual vibe between us that never became anything, she exists in my erotic imagination still... the idea of watching a good quality erotic film with her, both of us getting aroused... acknowledging this or not, acting on it or not... i find this idea appealing... in fact just the though of it this afternoon got blood flowing to my cock...

so i decided to touch myself while waiting for my sheets to wash, i set up my little camera and rolled over into a patch of sun on my naked bed, took off my clothes and masturbated, i haven't watched all of the video yet, it took me along time to come, 20 minutes or so, listening to the ethiopiques, which flowed in and out of my awareness... at one point pulling up my legs and inserting my finger into my arse, many different sexual fantasies flowing through my head... the vibe between me & T although being the catalyst, just didn't stay with me once i started getting it on, many different faces, i came thinking about P being fucked and sucking someone else at the same time while she watched me...

so i have my first video of myself coming, strange deal that is, maybe one day i'll post a version of it somewhere i can link to from here, i have to find out about more webspace before i can do that, and i have to find a way to separate erotic content from innocent/other content, once more aware of the divide in my internet life, the necessity of traffic not flowing from there to here...

x

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

link me baby

so i haven't checked it out yet, but this fella over @ The Blue Riders Club has asked to exchange links with me and i am happy to do that, of course when i've checked it out i may remove said link if i find it not appropriate, and who knows what would have to be going on over there for me to find it inappropriate but it could happen...

his blurb for his site is:

Sex Stories -
Discover the secrets of seduction in The Blue Riders Club, a
humorous 270 page 'layman's guide'. The original manuscript has
been kept private for years and is now finally available to the
general public in paperback.

do with that what you will...

in other news, dr K moved out of my house yeserday & lingered a little the night before she moved out in a maybe a snog way... although she'd have called it a pash...

anyway i didn't take her up on the assumed offer, also i saw P yesterday, she raised her eyebrows seductively... but then she's always doing that & it doesn't necessarily mean anything... but i can't help but feel that somehow my sex on the weekend makes me that much more attractive to women... and illusion or not i'm enjoying that perception...

x

Sunday, May 08, 2005

night of romance

me & A finally blossomed into something, unlikely to be repeated, our dynamics so different, as she percieves it, but we had a lovely night last night...

i was working in the day and she'd phoned me... we arranged that i'd go round to hers (her parents place right on the thames) before the dinner party i was going to...

things got later and later as they have a habit of doing and i didn't really have the time to go to hers in the end, but i went anyway, i played her piano, we kissed, we held each other tightly, we became very aroused indeed...

all this just as i was supposed to leave, that delicious edge of desire holding us, not going anywhere, in the end i phoned the party & we both ended up going... she a little bewildered by everyone there, E, my ex-squeeze from a few years back there, lots of pills being taken, i was glad she was there as i might well have embarked on a pill myself... not what i want these days but my willpower at these things very little...

lots of very beautiful lesbians there, not a single straight girl in sight, i guess ex-squeeze & me might have snuck off in the midst of ecstacy although quite possibly not, she heavily boyfriended up these days... every time i see her she lectures me about the women i'm attracted to, women who aren't ready for a relationship, some truth there but not what you want to hear from a smug yes we've been together for a year & 3 months now...

as the drugs started to take hold of most of the others, (or at least those who i knew) me & A left, or tried to leave, we were waylaid by R & L, the hosting couple, you'd be a twat not to make it work with this one R, she's lovely... just as ex-squeeze whispers to me that A's not the one for me... crazy people...

back @ A's we went to bed, found our pulses racing once more &...

although funnily enugh i didn't come, not last night or this morning when we did it again, it does take me awhile with someone new (even though me & A have been here before a year ago)... and it's true there is some kind of mismatch in our sexual energies, funny that P wanted me to be more masculine... really wanted me to take her, and found me wanting, A finds me too much like that...

reminds me that me & P were great early on, the later dark time reflected in our sex, it finished before we got it back, but we so could have got it back...

& i'm not surprised P turns up here, this my first night of loving since her, & the strange distortions that i felt about my sexual self fall away with someone else,...

so i'm here alone and i have alot of reports to write before tomorrow, i also have a night of loving in my cock waiting to burst forth... globalgasm on tonight but not 'til 5am monday morning for us europeans so i won't be holding it in 'til then, unless i'm up 'til then writing these reports, i'm not letting that happen...

i love sex... thsnkyou world...

x

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

barbarella ritual ready 3 in a bed romp

after watching barbarella on tv tonight (jane fonda.... hmmmm) which i saw when i was much younger, once on acid as well, those dolls with sharp teeth... spelling monitor right out the window tonight, still ragged from the weekend, and yes i will be finishing this sentence... after watching it i came into my room aware of a need to piss, and a need to come...

barbarella had given me one clear hard cock, just as we meet anita palenberg, but i held off coming, remembering how much the orgasmic organ which barbarella destroys because she can take all the pleasure it gives her, how this had really done it for me as a teenager... but alas no cigar this time... great to see anyway...

so i went online and started looking on literotica for some little stimulation... finding it in the shape of a group sex story...

so now my desite to piss has returned and it means i'm ready for that ritual of which i spoke back when this blog was new... pissing on the tissue paper ball that i used to clean my come off me... the ball opening out like a flower blossoming...

i'll be back...

not sure how i'd film it but it is a visual spectacle as well as a sensual one... hmmm...

so onto the party, the reason for my raggedness, the 3-in-a-bed romp...

and please remind me to tell you about my obscure fantasys while in that wonderful restaurant tonight...

i crawled in (romp this is), around 7am, i lay beside T who was just rousing herself as i got in, i needed sleep but she is so seductive... we fooled around awhile... the third, S... T's mum, had gotten in around 4am, they weren't going to stay for the whole party so i hadn't arranged a bed for them, T had been asleep since about 10pm, S can sleep through anything T does these days, she's been a mother for 19 months and she's a pro... i'm pretty damn good these days too, principle godfather as i am,

it meant that i hardly slept at all until they left around 2pm the next day, the main romp was about pulling T by her feet back from the brink of the bed... get down? no T, stay in bed... T get down... no T stay in bed with your mummy and your uncle R...

me & S had actually spent a night in bed once before, years ago, pre baby, after a pill one night in the december party season, we'd gone to a rocking party every saturday that december, that night we were just as chaste as we were the night of the party, she slept through the lot,...

all the girls i had my thoughts on before the party either didn't come or turned up with their boyfriends... exparttime there, as ever really wanting me to validate her beauty, she in a knockout dress, the same one she'd worn that night when i met her (then) lover and me & her had had phone sex, at this party actually the only other time i met the guy, although they've split up now... he came across much older this time...

anyway i'm working in the morning and i have to try and keep my sleep regular again after the rip it all recieved on the weekend...

god bless bank holidays...

x

Thursday, April 28, 2005

bleak

saw an old and lovely friend today, before going to work, where some arrangement made me resentful, not the place to talk about why, just that it happened, i was in that space, bleak, bleak, bleak...

i found myself playing the piano, really down, i wanted to talk to P, i needed to talk to P, but i had removed her number from my phone back when i was angry ahortly after it finished, not that it mattered, i knew her number... but not today, the first time i've wanted to talk to her and not been able to... the very first time i've forgotten her number, or realised that i'd forgotten it...

still don't know it, many hours later, having put on a gig @ work for the students, having drunk a few cans of beer, everything's wrong in my skin today, beer a bad idea anyway, just feel all the more dislocated...

and the wierd thing is P is the last person to talk to when you're down, she has no patience for deppression...

and then in amongst all this negativity L told me she was no longer with her guy, yet another long term flirt that never got anywhere due to relationships... timings... what's to say it would happen now? unlikely in fact but there...

sang midnight @ the gig, particularly odd, vulnerable version of it, not sure how it came out out front, but it did me proud in a wierd way... reclaiming that song just now...

x

Monday, April 25, 2005

she's moved party thoughts video

& she is the whore blogger i've been reading the longest.. blogger too small a space for her i guess, she's burst onto another site all her own and i dig it...

waking vixen claims that there will be more (of her) tit's & arse on this new site, and of course i'm all for that, but it's her intelligence and humanity that has kept me reading her almost as long as i've had this groovy space myself...

i sent off a cd of harbour walls to K today, along with an invite to the party we're having here on sunday, may 1st, a day rich in pagan as well as socialist meaning... i rang her to get her address and we had a nice chat... once more i have no idea where she's at with romance and i'm curiously hopeful... how many times does this cycle of hope & disappointment have to go round?

i mentioned the party to her and left it with her, who knows maybe she'll come, maybe she'll bring a man?

anyway i'm playing a few tunes at the party, early on so i don't know if anyone will see me, one or two maybe, could be more, and i've been thinking about what i'm going to play... harbour walls of course but also maybe the brand new half formed one, being about the seasons as it is right now, as it's may 1st... also i think i'm going to talk a little about the solstice thing as it relates to my creativity, may 1st being the mid point between the spring and summer solstices which is why it is strong for the pagans, as this party also marks dr K's leaving from this house i'll probably also do midnight, written immediately after the summer solstice several years ago...

and then video's... this is partly in response to my new technology, a little digital camera which can take mpeg4 video... so far i've just mucked around with putting together a video of my goddaughter - 19 months old and a perfect film star already, and i'm also interested in putting music to film so i'm experimenting in that direction as well...

but also in response to those great pink provocateurs over on pinkgasm with their lovely films of themselves...

i want to start taking images of myself, my arse, my cock... and i also would like to see from the outside what my orgasm looks like... whether or not i ever share that kind of thing with the world is another matter, but just to let you know i'm thinking in that direction...

Saturday, April 23, 2005

my meal

i was sat on my own in jai krishna's, eagerly awaiting my meal last night...

i had set my computer a 2 hour task, on the way towards reformatting one of my hard drives, (which is happening now), then set off for the restaurant listening to sadie's gone, which had lasted almost all the way to the restaurant...

once in the restaurant i ordered my food and sat and read from on the natural history of destruction by w g sebald, really powerful stuff, really brought back to me the theme of his austerlitz, a child growing up and very slowly realising that something is being kept from him, something huge... this present book is about the destruction of most of germanies cities by firebombing in 1942 - 1945.

earlier on in the day as i'd left work i'd shown this book to one of my bosses who shares some of my book tastes, she's been reading an account of the NAZI's i gather so we had the germ of a conversation about the german civilian population... but we were both leaving and the conversation would have been much longer...

i finished a chapter and let that sink into my mind, waiting for the food... and i became aware of the conversation of the couple on my right... about hitler and the NAZI's... this struck me as coincidental, although there is that film downfall around at the moment so hitler is topical...

anyway my food arrived and as i eat i start fantasising about obscure things, about the man to my right grabbing my book from me in a rage and tearing out it's pages, me taking his photograph... about an imaginary work meeting in which i'm accused of having an affair with a student, i behave with dignity and honesty... i start thinking about writing erotica, of that rilke poem i so love concerning singing, refining your call - your voice - until it soars like a bird flying in spring skies, then your unknown lover will slowly respond... (i'll find the poem and put it up here later)... i ask myself why i don't have a lover...

the food is glorious as ever in that restaurant, just as i finish i get a phonecall from A, she's been dancing and wants to meet, so she comes to the restaurant, where we'd eaten the last time i saw her...

she has recently returned from a course in body work (rolfing) and she was full of the wonder and excitement of it, she spoke about the different parts of the course and how she responded to them, and in particular she said the clearest thing she got from the course was quite an abstract idea, but really concrete for her, an appreciation of space, of the space within her and between her and another...

this really resonated with me because of harbour walls, the chorus of which has these lines:

harbour walls don't break, but the waves break upon them,
outside the sea may rage but there's shelter here
in this space between us, stay with me just for a day,
i'll play the sea & you the stones.

as i'd been writing this last month i had toyed with this notion of space, at first it was my space, like my home, imviting someone in, linked in with the notion of a harbour, but mine, then gradually it started to become our space, the space that is defined by you and me,

a lot of links in what she was saying as well to ideas i have about counselling and using counselling skills in my teaching...

so really nice to see her, she full of touch as well, holding each other, stroking, she said she wanted to sit on my lap but it didn't seem appropriate in the restaurant... she ordered some food and we chatted while she ate, eventually we left and she drove me home, a few kisses outside the door but she was determined to go home herself...

and it was nice... i don't know what the future holds for us but this was nice...

x

Friday, April 15, 2005

phone sex crossroads

so i was significantly befuddled by P the other day... enough to make me put a rule in my head:

i'm not going to fuck P until i've fucked someone else.

just this, slight saftey harness, although all rules have the possibility of them being broken inherent within them...

and then last night i was just dropping off to sleep when exparttime phoned, drunk, in a taxi home, this around 1:30 am, i was working this morning so it wasn't the best timing but...

and it was obvious what she wanted... and i get nourishment (some) from it too, exercising those storytelling muscles... been awhile and it's nice to blow off the cobwebs on my erotic stories... an audience whose voice i can hear also a plus point, not that i'm against web bound erotica, and of course i'd sooner be there with her, doing the things i'm telling i'm her doing to her...

and within it is the stated promise that we're going to get together soon but i don't know that that'll happen, exparttime often partial to saying whatever she needs to say to get what she wants... putting it like that makes her sound really manipulative (and sometimes it seems that way) but i mean more an instinctual thing that i think we all do to a certain extent... yes i'm yours... i love you...

now i'd been rehearsing and been particularly nowhere at the end of the rehearsal because just before i left the house to go to the rehearsal i'd felt an immense need to come... and i answered that need... then immediately got into the car (as a passenger) and travelled over to west london for the rehearsal... rehearsed fine but once we'd finished working imy mind just said you know what, you can forget anymore rational sentences tonight... this related to the coming...

i so love the langourous time after coming... to have not allowed that time to flower within me, i think that's what did for me later on...

anyway, back to my original point which is that there's a possibilty me exparttime might actually spend some time in a bed together.. and provided that didn't mean a kind of monogomous spell for us (which it sometimes does - albeit a tenuous one) maybe i'll feel able to venture into the delicious bed of P not so long after...

just a possibility...

one last point, my imagination has been particularly active as far as P is concerned, the erotic stories i tell myself about her, my way of getting used to her other men... and of letting her go (or so i think)... i still don't know if i'll get them written down but they are niiiice... x

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

felt in my body

just saw P, it being a tuesday, the day when we're both @ college, me teaching, her learning (but not from me, thankfully)... she came up to me while i was photcopying and put her arms around me... just as my boss came up behind her...

she wanted to have lunch with me, i wasn't teaching in the afternoon so i could, so we did...

she told me that she was seeing a couple of people, one of whom i though was a blond guy i'd seen at her place when we were together, who i was slightly jealous of, i could see he liked her and he completely ignored me, she liked this as she's not sure that he likes her, only i was wrong, she wasn't talking about that guy, another one in that same world... now i know who it is i feel completely different, he's balding... i don't know how these things work, reminds me of the barry story... i don't know if i've told that one here,... not now...

anyway, she asked if i needed her to only be mine to do things with me... we were talking about things like trips to morroco... i told her the truth that i'm still too close being in love with her to breeze in and out of her life easily... she looked at me with that... bored, frustrated... oh come on, you're slowing your life down...

i told her about the disturbed dream i had just after i saw her last, how this tells me that it's upsetting to see her, i need to be careful,...

but we also talked about fucking... i told her that i'd been thinking of the beautiful way we used to fuck, before the end... i'd already told her i missed her... now i said i particularly missed fucking her...

she smiled, she loved it...

when we said goodbye she held me really close for awhile... then as she was pulling away i pulled her to my lips and i kissed her... in that beautiful way that always makes my cock hard... she said come visit me in highgate, it's nice there...

we parted, i'd resisted pulling her hand down o feel my erection... partly because we were directly outside the cafe, within spitting distance of the college... i texted her that kissing her still makes me hard...

i don't know what she wants... she implied that she wasn't getting enough sex and when we talked about how great our fucking used to be she bit her lip in that sensual way... i wanted to ask her if that possible, if sex between us was something she wanted... but i didn't ask...

too long with sex to be this close to her...

on the one hand i deeply want to fuck her... to reclaim that beautiful place we used to have and dispel the dark bullshit way it ended... but could i deal with that? with her still seeing other men? without belonging?

as i walked to the tube, or was it after i got on the tube...?

in fact i'm slightly ahead of myself, although to be honest, you might not want to read the last part... just to warn you here...

during the meal, hearing about her lovers made me lose my appetite...

once on the train heading home my stomach started complaining to me, in fact it came just before the train arrived... by the time i got to finsbury park i knew something was wrong and i was very careful about getting off the train, walking home...

suddenly i was very fragile... my whole digestive system just wanted to get it out... i was walking along in real danger of shitting myself... every now and then i had to stand still and wait for the pressure to be released internally before i could move on, it took an eternity to get from the station to my home.. when i got in i almost lost it just inside my front door, but i managed to get to the toilet in time and...

FUCK was that a relief... it was hard work, and pretty unpleasant but so many times better than walking home would have been if it had broken loose...

i remember seeing P at work on a tuesday before, quite close to when we'd finished, and i lost my voice that afternoon, that when i saw her last @ her home i'd had that disturbed dream a few nights later, and now seeing her brought me to this deeply fragile, upset place... upset stomach...

upsets do so often hit me in the stomach, my first ever hexagram in answer to a question about romance (@ P's place) was nourishment... it's a big thing for me,

and i'm not upset right now, except because of the toilet thing... not just expressing my upset, but also displacing that upset...

strange... but telling, i was thinking of asking the yijing about P, but maybe i don't have to,

x

Monday, April 11, 2005

solitary

exparttime phoned me on saturday, hadn't slept, too much marching powder, said she wished i was there so i could stroke her... the idea of going round and making us both happy for awhile surfaced but she didn't answer her phone again, i wonder about us sometimes, whether we'll ever make it back to being friends with this sexual thing between us, or indeed whether we'll ever make it back to lovers... made me feel all the more solitary this weekend, which is exactly what i was, lots of walking up & down the disused railway,... for some reason today it was such a sensual pleasure, the wilderness right in the city, that i allowed myself to imagine sharing it with others, K, bo,.... but it was just me, me & my ipod shuffle, playing some sweet, sweet sounds...

for some reason i've been thinking about erotica again, so many delicious erotic thoughts go through my head, seems strange to be typing away on a keyboard... maybe paper & pen would capture it better, only it has to be quick, you'd have thought i'd be right at home writing erotica on my computer, being as that's what i do here (not nearly enough)...?

i've been delving a little more into the yijing, even started another blog to trace all the questions i ask it, (totalling 4 so far)... so i have 3 blogs now, each with a different name... but all with the same voice (or so i think), haven't yet decided whether to link from here to the yijing blog, certainly not going to link to it from my other me, we'll see..

i was due to meet up with K on friday for a cup of tea, she suggested it, a little nervous the night before i asked the yijing how i should approach it, partly just to practise,... now this is all documented over in that yijing blog, but just to say that the yijing said - innocence, but with undeserved misfortune, with wooing in the future - (hexagram 25, moving line 3, hexagram 31)...

innocence yes, undeserved misfortune i guessed this was the relationship she seems to be having, wooing in the future i don't wish to dwell on, the changing is the most important...

so i get to work the next day, lunchtime comes, our alloted meeting time, she's gone, nowhere to be seen or contacted... undeserved misfortune...

but wooing in our future...? hard to ignore that but foolish to foster hopes when she's so rubbish with me...

anyway, erotica... onwards mr curious, get it down...

x

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

not a moment too soon

those beautiful pink people have finally opened their store for business... a few frustrating attempts to sign up in the last few days, at last it's all in place and i've spent the money, watched the first thing that caught my eye... sunrise blondes... a tiny clip of which had been the first thing i saw of them, just them cuddling and caressing, sensual, just that...

and this one begins with her restrained & blindfolded, he touching her, again very sensual, beautiful, her quivering, and shaking, she comes before his cock is even seen...

reminded me a little of me & exparttime, just in the care that he lavishes on her, the complete trust and openness that she gives him...

not quite ready to come tonight so i stopped it before it got really raunchy, i look forward to watching them fuck properly and i'm sure that's all in store...

kind of makes me feel warm inside - pornography so often mechanical looking - inorganic - sensuality so rare wierdly - that this stunning couple offering up a really hot, sensual, genuine vision of sexuality...

groove on pinkgasm... you have my vote...

x

fingers and thumbs

so i posted to the wrong blog as i mentioned last week,

then i was posting a comment to another blog and i... i'm not even going to say just how i messed up but it was pretty dumb...

and now i've emailed a blogger who trades comments with my other blogself and i used a slightly risque form of my email address... all well and good, she replies,

all very nice, she has a surreal sense of humour that i really like,

i reply back to her today and i see that for some reason my thunderbird has changed me from slightly risque to overtly sexual... i'm all fingers & thumbs and i don't seem to be able to manage my identities effectively...

i love that thunderbird can let me be slightly different people but when those different people start to leak into each other without me meaning them too...

of course it's all me in the end, but i wear different hats... talking as though i'm wearing one hat when i'm actually wearing another...

more particularly my life as a teacher and my life as some kind of pervert really, really shouldn't ever meet...

but then there's the desire to meet someone who appreciates all the sides of yourself...

hmmm...

anyway, i wanted to recall a sexual fantasy that i had the other day, not the details just the vibe, it was with P, it was back when we were happy and sex was fantastic, what i'd almost forgotten through the grim last weeks was the beautiful way we were, her holding me and kissing me as i came inside her...

not a backslide so much as uncovering a hidden gem, not that we'll ever get back to it, but i'd sooner look back on me & P with that kind of warmth rather than the chill of the end...

x

Monday, April 04, 2005

down & up

last night i woke from one of my movement dreams, holding up my table, like when i was on tour with that last band and S was sleeping in the same double bed as me, he wakes up with me holding him rigidly, in my mind i was holding in bed, he was falling out of it in my dream, but he was just lying there being grasped by a dreaming me... similarly last night i was holding up the table... the table wasn't going anywhere, i was just holding it up, gradually i woke up and got back into bed... wary,

now this sort of thing really unnerves me, by which i mean i'm really anxious as i'm trying to get back to sleep, it often happens after i've done something like cocaine, or when i've been significantly upset by something... now it's been a few weeks since that cocaine night and although it could still be making it's presence felt...

i'd already noticed how upset i was after going to P's on friday, this just further confirmation,

so i was lying on my bed today just reading, wasting time... slightly anxiously wasting time, unhappy, partly to do with trying to shift my sleep cycles about... (great idea this is then, writing away at this hour...), down.

fair enough, i get down sometimes, i went out to the dinner party and had a lovely time, exparttime at one point singing you're so vain.. - slight paranoia about the dynamic as she sang this, me having sung love is lies to her that time - and this is in fact related to what i want to say here, i find myself now after a night of smoking spliffs, something i often avoid because of the paranoid thoughts it gives me, finding it hard to sleep, lots of thoughts, but on the balance happy thoughts, so unlike the rigid deathmask i where when i've been on cocaine...

so just that really, i'm happy, i'm a litttle stoned...

Sunday, April 03, 2005

sexual fantasy post returned

so suddenly i'm repeating myself, i retold the story of the missing post, only for it to return... oh well...

seeing exparttime tonight, she's throwing a dinner party and i'm invited, she's been throwing dinner parties ever since she bought this amazing designer dinner table, around the time we had one of our abortive transients last year... she only started inviting me to her dinner parties about a month ago, always inviting K who i live with, which was a sore point - much as i didn't want it to be...

she left her lover this week, we had phone sex a few weeks back, cocaine driven, in the midst of their affair, quite possible that we'll have sex tonight... although dinner party... not exactly the kind of platform to get to fucking from, so maybe we won't... if it happens it'll be my first fuck since P, which makes it sound a bit brutal, but that's what it would be...

lay in bed last night trying to sleep, my sleep cycle very much needing to be set earlier by about 4 - 5 hours, not very successful, found myself touching my cock and thinking about her - exparttime - getting to hers tonight before anyone else and telling her to bend over and put her lips around my cock, pulling up her skirt and spanking her as she does it, that delicious look on her face half way way between innocence and knowing, but the doorbell goes and a couple arrive, a man i've met and his girlfriend who i haven't met... (someone who will be coming tonight, i have indeed met him, he's really nice, but not his girlfriend - who he's meant to be bringing)...

exparttime leads them into the front room where i've just hastily retreated, doing up my fly... the girlfriend remarks on my red face and i say that i've ben running on the spot for 5 minutes - ludicrous as it is she looks at her boyfriend, then at exparttime and says well,... why don't you carry on... running on the spot...

there's a tense moment as the four of us ponder what this means then exparttime comes over and touches my cock through my jeans, looks round at the couple, then back to me, gets on her knees and takes it out and starts sucking on it... the couple just stare, moving closer to each other, i run my hand over exparttimes body and get her on all fours, then i spank her, the boyfriend is just reaching out his hand around his girlfriend to touch her breasts...

the doorbell again and we all desist from what we're almost doing... arrange ourselves... the dinner party begins...

during the course of the dinner party the boyfriend comes up to me and tells me he's always wanted to watch another man fuck his girlfriend... i look over at her and she's smiling at me, a long, seductive smile... i raise my eyebrows to the two of them and silently agree to it...

much later and the other guests have gone, leaving only the four of us, exparttime is in her bedroom getting the bed ready for me & her, putting clothes ties withing easy reach, a blindfold right there, taking off her dress which she looks amazing in, and putting on some delicious underwear with an even more revealing and fuckable dress... putting on strappy shoes...

as she's doing this the boyfriend is asking me & his girlfriend to kiss. which we do, passionately, she's very sexy, slimmer than exparttime but still voluptious, my cock gets hard almost immediately, she notices and reaches down to it, looking back at her boyfriend she gets down on her knees and takes my trousers and pants down, my cock standing out... still looking at her boyfriend she puts the very tip of it in her mouth, opening her mouth wide she licks at the point where my foreskin joins my cock, the most sensitive part of my cock.. i cna feel her lips enclosing me while her tongue works at that most eroginous of zones...

exparttime walks into the room...

that's all for now... maybe more later, or maybe i'll have a real story to tell...

x

Friday, April 01, 2005

missing posts harbour walls

been at my folk's for a few days, sorry for no post for a little while... i was recording right up to when i left and i did a somewhat foolish thing...

blogged over on my other one, then blogged over here - only i wasn't over here, i was still there, and it wasn't the raciest of posts but it had a reference to kissing A and pulling her hand down to touch my erect cock... not something i want either my mum or my little sister reading, it was up there for about three hours before i noticed and took it down, transfering it over here, blogger having one of it's jittery, slow hours... at one point i thought i wasn't going to be able to take it down until after i came back from my parents... but that wasn't the case, i resisted the temptation to ring up my sister and ask if she'd read it... sometimes i am that stupid, but i guess i'd passed my stupid quota for that day...

but it didn't get to here, lost somewhere in the blogger ether...

basically it was about seeing A, who i'd seen a week or so previously and we'd flirted hugely, the afore-mentioned stroking of my hard cock - albeit through my jeans... nice that we have that kind of relationship where we can just kiss and do that from nothing... and we both like and accept it...

so i'd been on one of my shuffle odyssey's, wandering around town listening to music... i found myself in tuffnel park where i thought A was living... and gave her a ring...

she phoned back on monday morning (the wander had been on sunday) and she came round... we walked up the disused to crouch end (her first time there) and we drank soft drinks together... i took her back and she went off to have an appointment - suggesting that we meet later, i had my head full of the desire to record but i said yes... we ate @ jai's, then she said she wanted to come back to mine to sleep... nothing else... because i wanted to record this tune for K's birthday the next day she went home... not much of the spark we'd had before, she at a low ebb physically, me under the sway of that opposition the i-ching had offered me @ P's the friday before, a bleak feeling that things weren't going to be easy for me and my lover... my lover who i've (probably) yet to meet...

it intrigues me, just how i let that reading affect my life, strange to give so much weight to it where i've never done it before... as it happens i'm in contact with someone who has studied the yijing (as he spells it) and he said not to worry so much about the opposition, it was all about the moving lines of the first hexagram i got, being nourishment, in particular it was about the 4th moving line i had:

Turning to the summit
For provision of nourishment
Brings good fortune.
Spying about with sharp eyes
Like a tiger with insatiable craving.
No blame.

sharp eyes... hard looking, fits with my search for my lover...

whilst @ home i ordered a copy of the yijing (ok, looks like i'm spelling it this way now), we'll see where that takes me...

but enough of a few days ago, let's talk (briefly) about today, out there in the world i walked up to P's to deliver harbour walls to her, her & K & myself were who i made this recording for... took it up on my shuffle and put it onto her computer, she said she was moved that i dedicated it to her... said it was beautiful, nothing much beyond that and i guess i'd like some honest response from it, we'll see if i get it... she was getting ready to go to her friend's place to celebrate being in this country for two years.. a twinge of jealousy over the friend accompanied me out the door, melancholy feelings as i walked home, won't be going to see her too often, but glad to have got the tune to her...

i finished it on tuesday and emailed it to K, it was her birthday, a mild palaver in the end and i still don't know if she's got it, i hope so...

i love it, my voice with a touch or reverb over my fender rhodes... heaven, the first of afew recordings i hope...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

opposition

wandering around london listening to my shuffle... led me to P's on friday, led me near to where i thought A was on sunday... although she wasn't there, she phoned me back yesterday morning.. came round that afternoon, we walked up to crouch end along the disused railway, then she went off to do something, returning later for a trip up to jai's, wonderful food as ever... she wanted to stay, just to sleep, i wanted to record a song, (still recording it now), so she went home... her parents home just for the moment, beautiful piano in there right by the thames...

i'd seen her a few weeks ago and we'd flirted in a very sexual way, kissing in the way that gets me hard, putting her hand on my cock so she knows how much she's turning me on... something we can do because we've been lovers...

yesterday we had a little of this but not much, she was in a low place, needing sustenance, i was quite affected by that opposition hexagram the i-ching showed me @ paula's, nothing will be easy, don't try too much, don't take advantage of anyone, and don't let anyone take advantage of you...

and i'm curious about this... this negative reading that i've associated with meeting my next lover... why does it have a hold on me? my first ever i-ching reading and it's gone to my core... i guess i need to sit with it awhile and check out the whole reading, not just the seemingly negative bits... one website i went to put an almost positive view of opposition, the balancing of opposing forces, hard, but possible...

and A... maybe i'll see her later this week, although probably not, when i saw her before there was a palpable sexuality between us which seemed easy and good... not so apparent now and i'm in a slightly different place now, also i'm not sure what she wants from it, i'm clear now that i don't want a relationship with A, i don't know what she thinks... if she thinks about it at all...

x

Saturday, March 26, 2005

melancholy

i guess that's what's going on...

went down to brighton on thursday and i went through my old text messages on the train, deleting them, reading some of them, not something i've done for a little while, some of thoese messages were from when i was with P, some even before then, so a little like traveliing through time, travelling through that time in particular...

it made me feel blue, this is what i wrote down:

getting towards brighton (haywards heath) eye's glistening with as yet unshed tears - having cleared out texts from my phone going back through our time together partly because we spoke yesterday -

flow of:

how beautiful it was - to be loved -
but it was a lie -
but it WASN'T a lie -
it was true back then -
then she shifted & now probably (hopefully) i've shifted
so it can't be again...

and i'm face to face with wanting that warmth from elsewhere, new thing...

just a few minutes left for this melancholy before my train gets to my goddaughter and her mum, sooner not let it wash over them/their time too...

and it didn't wash over them, we had a lovely time, me richer than usual so we spent some money on various things, one of which was an ipod shuffle for me... they came back with me last night and went off this morning to another godparent's while i started playing with my new toy...

on my second trip out into the world i was listening to allen ginsberg reading his howl, i walked almost randomly, found my way onto the disused railway and walked it to where it goes under a tunnel, gated nowadays... it was getting dark and i didn't want to walk back down it so in the end i phoned P and went round for a tea, she on acid...

i saw a copy of the i-ching in her flat and she showed me how it worked, i threw the coins thinking about my romantic hopes (not for P, more like K, but not really even for her now, more for someone unknown), and this songwriting cycle... wandering who i'll be writing my midsummer love song for...?

the hexagrams came back nourishment, then opposition, seemed to be telling me that i had to really think about what nourishes me and what i need, as well as what others need... but also that the way forward is really hard and beset by difficulties...

this a little bleak as i sat in P's flat..

after awhile we went out and ended up having a gin & tonic in a pub not for from mine, at one point on the way there i caught sight of the ugly side of her, but it didn't last long, and in fact we had a really nice time, i brought up the threesome thing with her late on - and she said she wouldn't do it... which matched my reluctance...

she said how pleased she was to see me and that she'd bemoaned the fact that we weren't friends, i told her i might have come round sooner if i'd been doing acid like she was, changing things so quickly like her, but i wasn't...

on my way home i met a beautiful cat in the full moonlight... now i'm home i'm curious about melancholy, it was really nice seeing her, in a friendly way, although i do feel a little unbalanced by it...

going to go to bed, half a thought to masturbate but u feel far from it... now she's clearly not going to do the threesome thing maybe i'll return to it as a fantasy...

x

Tuesday, March 22, 2005