a dark place
something is upsetting my girl...she won't tell me what it is... it makes her want to be alone, partly through a desire that i don't see her like that...
i'm a caring man and i hold her and love her through this, even as i feel i perhaps should be leaving her alone...
she cries... she's the kind of person who doesn't cry very often, holds it in, but when she cries she really cries...
i have on occassion been violent in my sleep, she thinks it's because i have unresolved angry things going on that come out there because there's nowhere else they can come out...
when it happens she wakes up crying and takes a long time to calm down... i hold her for ten - fifteen minutes as she cries...
i think it's a similar thing, the tears that she suppresses in her waking life come out at those times and it's like a flood when it goes above the levee...
so i've asked her to tell me what's going on...
one time recently i told her i was scared she'd met someone else... and this just made her cry all the more...
my ex girlfriend P is almost around at the moment because she was going to cut my hair, although i doubt that's going to happen now, my girl now gets jealous of P and it freaks her out and i wondered if this was part or all of what is upsetting her, but she says it's something else...
we were just in a cafe and careless whisper came on... guilty feet ain't got no rhythm... she looks a little bothered by this song, or so i think...
and here we are, at the crux of it,
i have a dark place within me that thinks she's fucked/kissed/sucked another man and that this is what is upsetting her, the guilt of it...
and if that were true, i could read it into all kinds of pieces of her behaviour...
but i don't know... i don't even think it's likely at this point... but of course this comes and goes... in the cafe, and walking her to the busstop i was already confronting the man in my mind...
i don't know what i would do if it were true, i really want her to tell me...
i write it here so i don't have to carry it around... (i hope i don't)
x
posted by orgasm curious @ 3:07 PM
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