that thought
two things... an erotic thought about someone else... and the erotic reality with my beautiful girlfriend,let's start with the girlfriend, this wonderful woman who is sharing my life with me...
it turns out that the dark cloud that was threatening the relationship related to sex, and to something i was/wasn't doing...
almost a week ago we were in bed almost asleep but i roused us to a bit of fucking... beautiful sensual touching and then fucking and then her touching herself... midway through this she's trying to reach a condom and my cock is completely out of the picture and starts to become soft... i touch myself but i know that a few deft touches from her would be all i need to be hard again, you know how the touch of someone else works wonders...
but i know from experience that she doesn't like to touch me in these times, i ask anyway and she half-heartedly touches me and then kind of shrugs and stops being sexual altogether... slumps over and is asleep in moments...
well this did me in, it's hard enough having a problem being erect without your lover responding like that towards it...
so i bring it up the next night, we're having a bath and i mention it, and she finally opens out and tells me that she's not been enjoying sex recently...
...
which is pretty damn hard to deal with, and you can see why she hesitated so long to tell me, but because she hesitated so long, months it seems, i've been thinking things are good when they haven't been for quite some time and this really messes with my head...
anyway she talks more about it and she recounts how we've been fucking sometimes and i've had my eyes shut and i'm not touching or kissing her and i've seemed really far away from her... which sounds to me those occassions i've remarked on here awhile back when i've been fucking her but thinking of somebody else... something i'm not proud of but that i did do a few times, to do with coming i think it was, or getting hard even...
well this set something going in her head, also to do with how i don't give her much pleasure in bed, something i'm conscious of and freaked out by, previous relationships much more characterised by my giving pleasure, touching... making my partner come...
at some point a few weeks ago i pointed this out to her and told her i really wanted to make her come, she'd been reticent about it, when she came for the first time with me (through her fingers, my cock) it was the first time she'd come with someone else, she experiences orgasms as being a solitary thing...
this was what led to her touching herself the other night in fact...
one of the things that upset me was that it seemed so black and white, she was either giving me pleasure or giving herself pleasure (or letting my give her pleasure), giving and recieving together seems out of bounds...
anyway, since we spoke the other night we've got on much better in bed... as you'd expect... strange that that behaviour of mine, that had bothered me but that i thought she hadn't noticed, had been at the root of a longrunning problem for us...
also i think that lack of pleasure flowing from me to her has been part of my problem getting/staying erect, now that we're recalibrated and i feel easier about touching her my erection problem seems to have vanished (only to return i don't doubt)...
and then the erotic thought... this with my friend nippy, a gay woman who i've never fancied but who i can talk about sex to... she's moving into the flat of an old school friend of hers... we went to see the flat last week and i found the old friend really horny... beautiful breasts... (she has a 9 month old)...
anyway she phoned up while me and nippy were rehearsing and once nippy put the phone down i told her that i fancied the friend, not that i intend to do anything about it, she & i are both in relationships, just acknowledging it...
it's just a thought - i said -
i like that thought - nippy said -
we started playing (music) again and we made mistakes - both of us in the grip of that thought...
x
posted by orgasm curious @ 11:47 PM
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