occasionally sexually honest

imminent break up?

2011-11-18T13:37:00.000Z

i've been feeling like shit all week...

i went to gig on wednesday night & i heard many love songs... each one of them actually hurt me...

telling me very clearly that i don't feel that way about my girlfriend...

i love her... i really do... i don't think i can be with someone for a year & a month & not love them... but am i in love with her?

it feels like i'm moving ever closer to the point where i'm going to leave her...

it is horrible...

another view that i can take is that this horrible feeling i have is the delayed hurting from losing my cat (2 months ago next thursday) - it was that weekend that i began really wanting to be free of E...

my cat left on the saturday (wondered off to find somewhere to die almost certainly) and me & E fought about it - well she fought - i found myself putting off grieving for my cat because once again she was putting her upset before mine (we all do when we're upset - do we?)...

on the sunday we went on our separate ways - she returning in the evening to gather her many belongings from my place and leave - in a very final way...

now although my feelings of wanting to leave her date back to then... i wasn't @ that time ready and after a week we were back together again - not that we'd officially been apart but it had felt like that...

now i think she is simply quicker thinking than me about relationships (i often attribute women with being quicker thinking than me about relationships - in fact many men are also quicker on that score - i am slow in that department)...

i should have let her go then -

instead of inflicting more waiting on her - not that she's complaining about this time - she knows we're close to the edge and she's been trying to hold on to me... in the last 2 weeks i found myself eating all the frozen stews she'd left in my freezer - almost like once i'd got to the bottom of that pile i can finally leave her...

this weekend for the leaving - or at least the trying to leave x

once more unto the breach

2011-11-15T23:20:00.000Z

so last night in bed she says to me...

if you're feeling trapped i will understand & you should leave me... it's not nice when you want to leave someone...

words to this effect anyway... a very level headed response to a couple of - "oh baby - i don't know about me & you"s

we haven't been right since poor B died (my cat) a couple of months or so back... i'm in turmoil about it...

i was crying & i felt like a small child when she was telling me this in bed...

i told her i still wanted her to be mine... i didn't tell her i was sure i wanted to be hers...

i might just be being weak & i should finish it...

i don't fucking know...

it isn't making me happy - this in between place... i suspect i need to get over my cat... and somehow we as a couple need to get over her dying... we're not there yet x

back together but wondering?

2011-02-03T10:39:00.000Z

after that last post, each sunday i met with E5, (2 sundays) we got along ok, spent the night together...

this last sunday (the 2nd sunday) she was really sure we were getting back together... & i could feel this action from her - moving in a way to get me back - and it did me in... i needed to come back to her, not for for her to come & get me...

so when i told her i needed more time she got really down... she left on monday...

monday night - i decided that in fact we should be together...

i texted her to ask if she was awake to ring me, or ring me in the morning...

tuesday i tried her several times, she didn't answer, then emailed texted to say she didn't want to talk...

yesterday she emailed to say she'd written me a letter & was going to post it to me... i texted to say i had something important i wanted to say to her... she texted about 5 to ask if i was free then rang me 10 minutes later...

i told her i wanted her to be my girlfriend again -

it was all cool... she took awhile to believe it i think...

then last night my phone was being incredibly dumb & not letting me ring anyone, not letting anyone ring me, delivering texts late to me... not letting me ring my answerphone...

she was trying to ring me... this morning i got a text from her all vulnerable thinking the worst - please ring me - i did (once i'd turned my phone off & on again for the who knows hoe manyth time)... we spoke... i reassured her...

got off the phone and was pissed off - and a bit close to tears...

this is why i'm writing this all out... so perhaps i can look back on it and see something...

am i doing the right thing? is of course what i'm asking... anyway - it's done now... we'll see if it sticks this time x

what a fucking day

2011-01-19T00:16:00.000Z

no fucking in it may i add...

so tired, but briefly... before i hit that bed & do not wank.. but just go to sleep...

me & E5 broke up - not completely because of, but quite a lot because of my feelings about someone else... who i've probably talked about in this blog before... one of those hopeless cases that i will never get hold of... but... we like to dream don't we...

me & this someone else almost kissed just before christmas... well.. that's my take on it, i might be wrong (i've been wrong before)...

so we went to lunch & i told her, it took me a bit of going around the houses but i told her... didn't exactly tell her that i loved her - but intimated such...

she said - forget about me (her) -

i told E5 last thursday that i had doubts about our relationship, partly to do with being distracted by someone else...

on sunday she told me she couldn't stay with me - (because of that - on thursday night & on sunday she said - are we doing this then? are going for it? - & i couldn't say yes...)

by monday early evening she'd finally gone, alot of emotions & a fair amount of fucking & lovely erotic behaviour... she got a taxi home with all her stuff - (left a towel here & she still has my keys)

since thursday - talking with her... i've been feeling much closer to her - and it's not impossible that we might get back together - assuming i feel really up for seriously giving it a go - but i knew i had to tell this other one how i felt about her (my aussy friend who loves romcoms told me that if i loved her i had to tell her before she got married - oh - didn't i mention that - she's engaged)

so now i have - around 1:30pm - worked there - (she works with me on tuesdays - not directly but in the same place) went to work elsewhere in the evening then went to see the aussie friend & her boyfriend (i'm very close to both of them - lovely couple with beautiful angelic child) to lend a hand with his tax return...

& now i'm going to bed - just wanted to mark this moment - who knows how i'll feel in the morning x

quartet

2010-10-29T17:03:00.000+01:00

that night... the last time i posted... the following morning i woke to her climbing into my bed and we both came... separately of each other, but with the other watching...

as i got ready to go to work later i went over to her in my bed and she told me she was preparing to split up... i thought she was talking about me...

then just before i left she told me that she was going to leave the boyfriend... she couldn't do what she did with me and then still be with him...

@ work a few hours later she texted me with - "it's done" chucking via text message...

she spent the next day & night moping around feeling terrible... sleeping in the same bed as me...

then the next morning, as i was getting ready to go to work... she told me she was mine and we had sex for the 1st time, on this sofa that i'm sitting on right now... she riding me, my thumb resting around her clitoris, so with each rock of her body she made it caress herself...

that was 3 weeks ago today...

and last night she came to see me perform in the band i'm in, (she'd seen us twice before - that's where we met)... and not only was my ex-girlfriend there (she travels with the band these days) but also the bass player in another band playing last night had played in my new girlfriend's band and they had had sex once in the past...

so there was a quartet of people... me & her in the centre, with the bass player and my ex floating around us... (in my mind) all very strange...

great gig, i got really quite drunk and really felt it once we were in the flat... stumbling out of bed to go to work this morning...

x

jesus titting christ

2010-10-06T23:30:00.000+01:00

this is no good...

it's as though all those years i spent being dumb... getting into daft situations with women who didn't want relationships me but wanted sex from me...

it's as though it's all happening again, but incredibly condensed into weekends... or hours...

lordy... this woman is right now bedding down in the pink room... she has a boyfriend... she's come round to buy my trombone... it's all good in a broad sense...

but she has such a need to be sexy, to be wanted, to fuck, that she keeps bringing things to a heated level before saying no... this would be great if i was single but i'm not...

so here i am... writing this, with the sound of my tapping keys probably getting through to her...

with chico buarque's construcao album playing, having decided to not go to bed until the album is done... pissed off...

knowing the situation would be better if we don't have sex... knowing i should just go to bed, but part of me wanting to leave the possibility open for sex... and part of me just angry and not wishing her well at all...

and really the best thing would be to wank, to get that out... that need...

these situations where i have a woman sleeping in that room... where - if i were a slightly different person, we'd be fucking... but we're not...

it's enough to drive you barmy...

so - fuck this -

weakness... that's what i feel right now...

x

one door shuts... another opens

2010-09-11T17:28:00.000+01:00

ok... so i was in a dream for 7 weeks...

someone from my past contacted me & we met... had sex... i got thinking about her as a girlfriend possibility.... we only saw each other twice, the 2nd time just drinks, no fucking...

then she went away with her kids for the summer holidays and it was 7 weeks before i saw her again...

during which time we spoke alot over the phone.. communicated... at least in the beginning...

about half way through i pulled back a little... not that i wasn't still interested but the amount of time before i would see her again really hit home and it was painful...

so yesterday she came up to my area in north london and the 1st thing pretty much that she told me was that she'd been thinking about it and she didn't want to have a relationship with me...

it took me awhile to be honest about my feelings but by the end of the meal i told her i was upset and angry and that i didn't want to be her friend... i was looking for a relationship when we saw each other again (after a decade or so) and she was looking for friendship...

a few days previous to this the young (halfish my age) ex-student of mine had posted on my fb wall... and i hadn't responded straight away... (& nothing has happened sexually with her up to this point)

well i texted her immediately after getting home yesterday and we've spoken a bit, texted back & forth... and now she's heading over here tomorrow night... ostensibly for "song writing"... and indeed we may well write a song... but just now talking to her on the phone arranging it i found my cock rising up...

i feel odd about the situation (as detailed in this post) but also i feel desire... and it would certainly help me get over this other one should something happen with this one...

so... that's all... i'll keep you posted x

for you... i would... close my book...

2010-07-05T01:18:00.000+01:00

a bit drunk & stoned aboard a bus, tonight... trying to read proust... the reading working in waves...

standing... the 29 bus north from camden...

coming up for air one time i catch the eye of the beautiful woman behind me,

i dive down again... get into a deep wave of reading...

raise my head again, and once more our eyes meet...

after which i gradually stop reading... i still look down but i'm no longer following proust...

and there follows a succession of moves, between me & her... she turns away, but looks back, she lets the momentum of the bus carry her forward and she catches herself breathing heavily...

i start to stand more upright, move slightly closer to her...

we pass so close to each other that we can smell each other...

i open the book one more time and we both look down at it...

i put the book away in my bag and i'm getting out my notebook... so that i can write something...

so that she can read it...

and i start singing, softly, what's going through my head:

for you... i would.. close my book...

& finsbury park comes... and she gets off the bus... and i stay on the bus...

and i spend awhile writing down the melody that i'm singing...

then i put my notebook away...

& i travel home alone...

x

prospects looking bleak

2010-06-19T13:51:00.000+01:00

ok, so i'm single...

haven't had sex with anyone since E, and before her it was G - my longer term ex-girlfriend

and when i think of all the women i'm attracted to at the moment not one of them is appropriate... now my sexual self does not care about appropriateness... he just wants to fuck...

so let's start with the most inappropriate...

someone half my age, who was a student of mine, hugely sexy woman, but she used to be a student of mine and she's young... so 1stly the teacher student thing is dodgy, at least with someone so young, it's a bit like abusing a position of power, and 2ndly i don't want a relationship with someone half my age... but let's just consider that sexual side of me... he doesn't care, doesn't care about the dodgyness, doesn't care that a relationship is not wanted, he just wants to fuck, and in fact there's a part of me that is attracted to the dodgyness, to the fact that she's half my age...

ok, then there's the woman who works near me, (not exactly with me), who i've been flirting with, but she lives with her boyfriend... and also i had a go at having a relationship with someone else in that workplace (E)... it didn't work out in the end, we're friends, it would be a slap in the face to then start something with someone else... this one i'm flirting with is closeish to my age... i can't work out what she wants... if she wants anything... if she wasn't in a relationship i would find a way round the slap in the face issue... given that she is in a relationship... beyond friendship (which i'm quite up for) a secret liaison is all that could happen, at this stage, and i'm quite up for that too...

then we have the fantastically beautiful, younger (as in - in her 20s) woman i met last weekend, who i felt a real link with, but who it seems is with someone, albeit perhaps not in an official way... (her fb has her as being single)... i've been interacting with her on fb... and on thursday i commented on her status and her reply to my comment was:

^^this

i don't know what it means, but it might mean fuck this... and whatever it means it has pushed me back into feeling like a fool, chasing someone that much younger, so much more beautiful... so much more social than me...

and then we have the one person i made enough of a connection with on that adult dating site i was part of (still listed but not currently paid up - it didn't do a great deal for me, mostly it just got me in touch with people that wanted to rip me off) - this one is married, with kids, and i'm meeting her this week... perhaps nothing will happen, we're meeting a long way from my flat and we can't go back to hers... and we don't have long... i don't know what i want from her... getting involved in that situation is mental... but i feel for her, and we've spent some time chatting and listening to music together (online) and she needs someone, she's not getting the love and affection she needs from her husband...

so...

that's my current emotional/sexual/romantic prospects as i see them...

on thursday, i found myself feeling low about it all... i met with the youngest, by accident, and we spoke for awhile and her youth really came through, talking like an 18 yr old.... which she is... i got home and i saw the comment from the 2nd youngest on fb, only on tuesday i'd properly confirmed that the work person had & indeed lived with her boyfriend...

when one is single, a certain wllingness to get out there is necessary... and i find myself being knocked back... wondering why i'm interested in all these inappropriate women?...

so - you find me a little bleak x

tiny bit of wrong action some learning

2010-04-10T02:44:00.000+01:00

i don't know if i told you about that thing that happened last september...

i was on plant food... and when i was coming down... i was really horny...

as was a young lady who i found very attractive...

well... it turned out that i'd taken a bit too much of that stuff and i was a bit jumpy... & nothing happened..

it caused a lot of trouble in the end anyway...

well...

earlier on this week, i took plant food again, in the comfort of my own home, with my friend who i've never found attractive...

and once again, on coming down, we were both very horny... & although we didn't actually have sex, we did come quite close...

i was sucking on her tits, and she was wanking me...

we put a stop to it then... well, she did, i'm a man, and you know how we men get when we are being wanked off...

but she stepped back and it stopped...

we talked some more, got back into an erotic place... came, not as close, but started to get close again...

we went to our different beds and we both wanked...

i came in a beautiful way fairly quickly... & again, being a man, once that was done my desire left me...

went to the loo, cleaned myself up, got hold of an apple, went back to my bed and there she was, naked...

and if i hadn't already come by the time she crept into my bed we would have fucked, i don't doubt that..

but also, if i'd have been a little more keen on it all we would have fucked as well...

i was turned on, but not completely going for it, and i think she knew this...

anyway, in the morning we were, after the initial oddness, fine, she got on her train to go home, i looked after myself until my piano student came that night...

and it's cleared something up for me,

after the thing last september, and once i was getting all the horrible texts from her girlfriend... i felt like i was somehow bad news...

that i had a dark desire in me to go to the worst places in my desire and to try and make them happen...

and that without an outlet for my dark desire i would end up doing something altogether inappropriate...

now, whilst some of that is true... i do have dark desires... it's nice to see that plant food, and the coming down thereof... brings that out of me... makes me act on those desires... dark or otherwise...

i was lying on my bed years and years ago, with this same friend who this happened (or almost happened) with this week... coming down from cocaine...

& she suggested sex... and i said no...

but coming down from plantfood and she suggests sex and.. yes.. it did take a bit of persuasion.. but effectively i said yes...

so... no harm done, she, i think, may find it harder than me, she's more the pursuer here and it's hard to be turned down, or to be said yes to with only half of me if that makes sense...

for me it's good to know a little bit more about myself, and indeed the effect that drug has on me... i have a little left, and we'll see if i use it, or indeed who i use it with...

glory hole

2010-03-29T00:44:00.000+01:00

ok, so i took out the picture of my cock, i put in a picture of my face, sent out a few more messages...

and actually received a message back this very evening..

a young woman who just wants to suck my cock through her door... it might have even been taking place right now but she lives on the other side of town and i don't drive, i also asked whether or not i'd be offered a cup of tea which i think slightly put her off...

"no, i don't do pretend glory hole"

if all goes according to plan i'll be over there tomorrow night,

it would have been a bit weird tonight, cycling all the way over there, doing that thing, cycling all the way back... but i would have done it if she'd said yes soon enough...

so fancy that? it did work, not that anything real has happened yet, and how do i know it's not a man? but some actual communication with someone through that site...

more, as & when it happens x

contact 3

2010-03-28T00:00:00.002Z

so it turns out there is someone going through the profile information i've written and taking away any mention of this blog...

so that woman, who hypothetically only has a free account, will not be able to contact me...

unless she pays up,

and the thing about that site is that there is no way of knowing if someone has a full membership or not, so although i have the privelidge of being able to send messages to women, not all of them can read the messages or reply to them...

all they can do is look @ my profile...

also, my profile picture is an adult warning, so this alone is enough to put off some women,

there are a couple of women i haven't yet sent messages to, because they are both quite specific about what they want or don't want, and at the moment i:

"don't have a face pic" so the 1st one has said in her profile that she won't respond to me for that reason,

& i "have a picture with my cock out" so the 2nd one has stated in her profile that she won't respond...

i appreciate the clarity of these women and i'm considering changing my approach, to take out the picture of my cock, beautiful though it is,

to put in a picture of my face... although i have a fair amount of reluctance to overcome before i do this...

also i need to get this flat into a stste that i'd happily invite a woman back to.. it was a barrier between me & my last fling...

and because i haven't yet done these three things, part of me thinks i don't want to meet someone else just yet, that i'm just not suited to random acts of sex with strangers...

maybe this true x

contact 2

2010-03-27T19:59:00.001Z

so i managed to send a message from my real self to my imaginery self...

and my poor unpaidup imaginery self could see that i had sent a message, but could not see either the subject or the content of the message,

but also, my imaginery self looked at my profile and still could not see the updated info i changed an hour or so ago...

so the specific woman this is aimed at, will not yet be able to read about contacting me on this blog...

interesting, interesting, interesting...

got a pizza in the oven, and clearly quite an empty life, given how much time this adult dating website is taking from me...

x

contact

2010-03-27T19:17:00.001Z

so, a woman has been looking at my profile over on this adult dating site i'm currently signed up to...

but for all the messages i send her, she doesn't reply...

now there could be all kinds of reasons for this, and i might just be being daft with this thinking i'm doing,

but what if the woman is not currently paid up on the site,

what would she be able to see of my messages to her...?

anything?

that she has a message from me?

the subject of the message?

the content of the message?

hmmm... a thought has occurred to me...

why don't i set up another account a free one, and see what happens when i send messages to it?

it will also allow me to view my profile as if i were someone else...

...................

so i've done that, and interestingly the picture i'd uploaded with my cock visible is censored... and instead of "no photo" as my avatar there's a big adult warning next to my username in the search pages...

hmmm... so that's worth knowing...

i logged in as my normal self and tried to find the newcomer that i'd just made, but i couldn't, i was hoping it would show up in the "my admirers" section but it hasn't yet, either the system is slow or there's someone checking things...

also, just before i started making this post here, i changed my profile to include the address of this here blog, should anyone be wanting to contact me and be unable to do so...

but the profile i looked at (my profile) still had the old text i've just changed...

so again, either the system is slow, or someone is reading through changes that people make, and checking them...

i'm being naughty, one isn't supposed to put any contact details on your profile,

maybe a telling off is in my future...

anyway, should it actually work out, and should you dear reader, be someone from that site wanting to contact me, please leave a comment...

x

odd to have so much involvement in checking out this site which quite possibly will not yield me any sex, but will just frustrate me further...

x

slightly desperate

2010-03-21T21:24:00.001Z

ok, so the promising thing didn't happen, possibly for the best...

and i paid the adult dating site some money, which means i can communicate with people on that site, and i sent out a few messages to some women, and have had no responses,

i can't remember if i ever gave them money before, if so it would have been before me & XLTGF, come to think of it, maybe i did give them money, and nothing ever came of it...

hmmm...

anyway, £20 down the drain isn't that terrible if it works out that way...

i've been in a really vulnerable place today, crying a few times getting out of bed, returning to bed...

i sent a text to the possible promise this afternoon and have heard nothing, and i'm remarkably un-bothered by this,

last march i kissed a young woman on st patrick's day, i was still with XLTGF and it was the most i ever did to cheat on her, the only,

in the weeks afterwards i tried to push this situation a little further and i met with a firm no, it drove me nuts...

less nuts today, similarly young woman,

also today i emailed my last fling, she who left me the day before valentines day, we'd been out drinking a couple of friday's ago & i'd got bothered, didn't like feeling desire for her, didn't like feeling jealousy about her...

so i've been blanking her in that way that i do sometimes (not proud, just aware) and i broke the blanket with an email tonight saying how i don't want to see her outside of work... at least until i've slept with someone else,

not very nice of me, but it's where i'm at,

oh and i completely didn't manage to not come through wanking since my last post, in fact i came through wanking that very night, and the next night, and the next...

quite compulsive it is at the moment, could do with some sexual contact with another human being...

once i'd paid money to the adult dating site i found out the identity of my 1 admirer... it's a man...

unlikely to turn gay any time soon but anything's possible i suppose...

oh and the barmaid in the place i gigged in last night has a certain look about her... the way she held my hand as she told me where the number for the cab firm was...

oh my foolish heart (cock) ...

more news as and when anything happens to my cock, please let it be soon...

x

sexual possibilities

2010-03-18T22:06:00.003Z

ok, so i'm single again, as of a month or so ago, and i haven't had sex since her...

i'm meeting someone on sunday which is quite intriguing... that's all i'm saying here, but it's setting my pulse racing just thinking about it...

and i've reacquainted myself with an adult dating site that i signed up for years ago...

weirdly i came to it through a different site that seems to share all it's contacts... and i'm using the other site which it turns out i was already signed up for...

i haven't yet paid them any money and it means that i can't actually contact any of the women i've seen, and i'm not going to pay them anything until after sunday...

but i might well pay them money,

i also haven't yet put a photo of my face up there, which may turn out to be inevitable, but which currently gives me the willy's... although strangely putting a picture of my willy up there would be easier... at least until my face was visible...

i've told myself i'm not wanking until after sunday, and although i did just wank reading the fantasy of a woman i've found on the site, (but haven't contacted because i can't) i didn't come so it's alright...

as to whether i will manage to avoid coming through masturbation until after sunday is another matter, but it may work...

valentines day gifts

2010-02-15T00:28:00.002Z

well the 1st gift was the day before valentines day,

we sat in my local indian restaurant and she shouted at me because i'd ranted about valentines day last tuesday...

not a very sensible thing to do with one's girlfriend, rant about how valentines day was pissing you off and maybe we could not do anything romantic on that day...

anyway, it was a passing rant and it wasn't something i truly felt about, i can take valentines day and i can not take valentines day, depending on my mood....

anyway, she didn't say anything about it on that day, but come saturday she was shouting and swearing at me in my local indian restaurant... telling me she'd never been given flowers and taken out on valentines day and who was i to deny it to her...? also having a go because i'd (on that same tuesday) said something about how this relationship was perhaps a bit close to the edge... i can't remember right now what it was i said, but it hurt her because it was true...

so we come back to mine (saturday now) and i'm feeling a bit shit and she's apologised and i've apologised and we go to bed for a little sleep... (middle of the afternoon), i tell her that i love her, i'm used to her not saying anything back to me...

i wake up before her, and when she wakes up, (or at least, when she shows the first sign that she's awake) she says "i'm sorry"

"i'm not in love with you"

"you deserve to be with someone that loves you"

i agree and tell her that i also deserve a cup of tea after all the shouting and telling me that she doesn't love me...

i get up, make said cup of tea...

after a little bit more talking she leaves, taking the bicycle related keys of hers i had and the books of hers that i had...

so once again she's missing out on being bought flowers and taken out on valentines day...

then the 2nd valentines day gift came just after midnight, the morning after valentines day...

and it's an obscure DVD cover, in a thin plastic DVD case, like pirate DVD's come in, and i found it at the very top of my airing cupboard, above my boiler...

it's for a DVD called Hot & Spicy Latin Ass #5, and of course the DVD isn't with it...

i guess it's from some random polish man who used to live in this flat, i guess...

anyway it reminds me of the kind of thing i would keep to wank over when i was a teenager, and therefore i'm feeling kind of nostalgic about it... i was on my way to bed but of course i'm now downloading this film from some disreputable source...

i'm a single man now and i may as well take the orgasm opportunities that i'm being given...

limbo

2010-01-03T23:59:00.003Z

that last post described the 1st night i spent with E...

we then had about a week or so of fucking, not a relationship, just fucking...

then she stopped it and i said ok, but please leave me alone and don't contact me... to get over it...

less than a week after that she said she wanted a relationship with me... that was october 25th...

i spent new years eve @ hers, on new years day we walked on hampstead heath together,

on the 2nd of january she came here and told me she couldn't do this relationship any more... i was very calm and i talked to her... for hours...

she left, without it being clear if it was on or off...

she rang today (the 3rd) and we spoke for 90 minutes on the phone before i offered to go round to hers, because i wanted to be able to hold her & comfort her...

she said she'd cook food for us...

then i cycled over, and my mood shifted as i cycled, until when i arrived, i was a lot less stable, and almost crying...

we ate together, we spoke, the situation not moving, i think i thought by going over there she would take me back... or rather, not go through with the ending..

a few of the things she told me shocked me a little, about how she'd been upset for about 3 weeks and i hadn't noticed,

i left there agreeing that it wasn't concluded yet... she asked if i needed things to be clear and decided and i said i could deal with it being unconcluded for now, but i didn't know for how long...

so i might be single again...

i might not x

got some

2009-10-10T19:26:00.002+01:00

gigged the other night with the band with horns...

both my ex-girlfriend (G) & my current foolish love interest (E) came to the gig...

i wore my suit..

G (who i can't remember if she had a name in this blog... i was with her for 3 & a half years...)

i told her that E was coming to the gig and she asked me not to introduce us, laughing...

she came to the gig with her dad...

E was in her own...

there was hardly anyone at the gig, very thin audience, no way to hide anyone from anyone...

so it was a bit odd, also the gig wasn't so great...

G left after awhile and E in the end, came back to mine...

we cooked some food and ate it @ 2 in the morning... then we were watching TV and i suggested a blanket, she said something, i told her not to worry, we kissed,

i didn't come all night, still haven't,

it was a lovely night, i went out at 8am to get condoms... we showered together, she was horny all night and so was i... she also very concerned that i hadn't come...

i think she came, or was close to it...

i left to go to work, we kissed on the street outside my house,

she went to hers, probably to sleep, then @ 2 in the afternoon went away for the weekend... so no contact since, except texts... i sent her one on leaving a pub last night, she replied late last night, i replied to her reply and i woke to a text from her this morning...

she has made it clear in the past that she's not ready for a relationship with me, she is the woman i was talking about in my last post...

who knows where i stand with her now, probably nowhere, but it was a lovely night...

to cry

2009-07-19T00:57:00.002+01:00

oh i need a good woman,
make me feel like a good man should,
i don't say that i'm a good man,
or that i would be if i could,

we're breaking up, me & she who was mine...

she's still living here, and it's difficult... earlier tonight she made a joke - half joke - half serious - or so i took it...

i asked her about cooking, offered to get some food in... i don't cook...

she told me that by forsaking her i did not qualify for any privileges...

something she'd said when i asked if she could cut my hair a few days ago...

anyway, i said ok... and it made me angry, but i didn't show it, just in that passive aggressive thing i do..

i came into my room, to an email from the woman i've met, the woman i met a month or so ago and who i've been falling for..

it's another story... for another time...

anyway, she's inviting me to something on a week night... a concert... and i'm a bit stoned... and it takes me ages to realise that i really want to see this woman outside of the situation i met her in, and that of course i should be saying yes...

anyway i leave the house without speaking to dinah... go to jai... eat...

come home and my anger is closer to the surface... i sit beside dinah and we watch a film... skeleton key... surprisingly good... a bit shit in places but what isn't these days...?

and afterwards she starts to cry... i ask her what she wants and she says she just wants it all to go away...

i try and comfort her, but really i know she has to get through this on her own, and i should let her cry...

and i wish i could cry...

oh i need a good woman,
make me feel like a good man should,
i don't say that i'm a good man,
oh but i would be if i could,

romance of autumn

2008-10-11T02:37:00.003+01:00

my retelling of an old jazz standard, all those months (years?) ago - unfinished, was partly a song for a woman, a dark shadowy presence who was not my girlfriend..

also an expression of me & mine's distance...

in the 1st verse i wake up from a dream in which she's left me...

so much time has passed since i wrote it it's meant a few different things to me, one of the reasons it's not finished is that me & mine cleared up our differences in that way a week or so later...

also me & the shadowy figure was nothing but a fantasy...

it's possible i hesitate to finish it because i don't want to go back to that vibe,

but also possible i don't finish it because i want that vibe to continue, i don't want to kill it...

anyway, i've been struck by an autumn malaise these past few weeks and in a way i want to rescue this song and dress it in autumn colours, no betrayal necessary,

part of this romance of autumn has been a young woman i met who has enraptured me, briefly, so it seems... unreal, far from realisable and glad it's that way ,but she's in my head and she's wrapped in autumn colours,

like that song i wrote for A, years back,

i have an urge to read some thomas bernard, listen to portishead, i want to find that article i once read about rilke and a philosopher before him, who wrote about the spiders web...

x

yesterday

2008-07-17T15:01:00.003+01:00

yesterday morning my girlfriend was touching my leg as i woke up... you know how when you wake up sometimes you've got a little more sexuality than usual...

and i found myself becoming aroused and it slightly hurt... emotionally, because we just don't behave in that way these days, she saw what was going on but she didn't make any moves to move it forward,

and that's where i'm @

those few moments when we're intimate it breaks me heart that it happens so rarely and it never goes anywhere...

at such times i just don't see how we can continue, my thoughts turn to someone else... someone who may or may not be interested in me, but she lurks there in my mind...

(strangely similar to a post from last june, same girl, same early morning almostness that broke me)

x

dreams

2008-05-28T03:15:00.002+01:00

a few weeks ago i had occasion to meet a young woman who i've met several times before, very funny...

this time i guess i was thinking about where me & mine are at / are not at ... and i started fantasising about this woman... lovely tits she has... she's single...

anyway that night i have one of those dreams where i can see someone and i'm talking to them,

it was her, the same woman, and she was leading me by the hand, out of my bed where my girlfriend was sleeping... i was hard...

i woke up standing up by the bed and quickly got back in, shocked at the power of the dream and my attraction for the woman...

then last night i was lying in bed beside my sleeping girlfriend and i got to thinking about someone else... and i got so aroused i felt like i was vibrating all over for this woman... it was a little feverish... like that anyway...

x

secrecy

2008-05-26T00:01:00.002+01:00

so it's been a little while since i last posted...

me & mine are still together, living just us two...

but i saw, maybe a few months ago, what i thought was a sign that she was reading this very blog...

this place where i talk about my sexual thoughts... i assume noone in my real life reads this blog...

remember that time a few years back when a friend of mine commented on my other blog with the address of this blog?

(as if i have any regular readers left after not posting for so long)

anyway that happened and i got really angry at the friend...

not wanting anyone in my real life... let alone my girlfriend... reading this blog...

so when i thought she'd read it... this freaked me out and even though i've wanted to post about certain things since then i'm cautious... let's say i meet someone who i have erotic thoughts about, i enjoy those thoughts... day dreams... i have no intention of cheating on my girlfriend but i'm enjoying erotic thoughts about another and i write it in here and she reads it and it causes trouble between us...

of course you may ask why i'm having erotic thoughts about another when i'm with her... and i don't know how to answer that question...

so anyway i'm dipping my toe back in here... i guess i'll check the stats for a week or so to see if she's reading it...

x

upset

2007-12-08T20:02:00.000Z

so we've moved into a new flat, just me & her, and we'll be blissfully happy i'm sure, but today i got a bit upset and it's not something i can talk to very easily, so i'm writing it here...

actually i tried to talk to her but it's to do with her dad and she just took his side, not that i wanted her to take my side, not that i really have a side in it, just that i wished she could just accept that i was upset and comfort me...

and really that's it, that's all i need to say about the thing, it was so daft and i wasn't very rational about it, it's just that it upset me and he's the kind who isn't going to rain himself in once he's seen i'm upset he's a bit of a bull and i'm a bit of a china shop...

and now it's kind of come between me & her and in a small way it throws doubt on us, for me, only in a small way but it's there,

when she's upset i'm always there for her and when i'm upset she's sometimes not there for me...

this makes me sad x

frisson

2007-08-23T16:50:00.000+01:00

so it's been awhile since i last posted, partly because i liked the suspense that last post left, did i cheat on my girlfriend? do i still have a girlfriend?

well i do indeed still have my beautiful girl and i didn't cheat on her,

although strangely i did a stint playing piano in a restaurant since then and one of the waitresses looked (looks) just like the woman i would have fucked given the right set of circumstances...

the main circumstance which is no longer there being that me & mine would have to be distant... or not together...

strange though, i went so far down that road of thinking about fucking this other woman that even when it had finished, the danger over, it felt like i'd awakened some part of me...

the night it came to a head was after i left a complimentary comment on the other woman's myspace, and it turns out that my love had dreamt one night of finding this same myspace (among my friends) and she'd been keeping an eye on it since... so she saw the comment and it came out that we'd been flirting, i was fairly honest - in jumps and starts - i didn't say exactly how close we'd come to it but it was understood that me & mine had been distant and that's what it had been about, so we got back together properly and have been happy since then...

but that part of me is still awake,

so, a story,

i was playing piano one night in the restaurant and in my break i was sat at a table, reading... directly in front of me, in profile, were a man and a woman, she on the left, he on the right, she was telling a story and he was laughing...

time passed and he went to the toilet, passing the piano on his way, he hit a low note on the piano...

without thinking i muttered (under my breath) - cheeky fucker -

i don't know if she heard me but when he came back they started to argue, well, she was talking in a low but cross voice, he conciliatory...

i couldn't help wandering whether my saying cheeky fucker had brought about the shift in their conversation...

anyway, i went back to playing my last set and as they left she stopped by the piano and asked if i taught, taking my card...

so now i have a strange sexual fantasy, that i go to their house and give her a lesson, she pays me, but says she wants to give me something extra... leads me by the hand and sits me down on the sofa, kneels down in front of me and starts caressing my cock through my trousers, i of course become hard and she takes out my cock and sucks me...

when it's over she promises that she is genuinely interested in learning the piano, but that every week she will also suck my cock if i wish it... i go on my way...

x

troubled

2007-06-09T16:07:00.000+01:00

so, it's been awhile since me & mine had sex and this is having a strange effect...

i love her, i love her parents, i have no intention of leaving her, but the other morning she kissed my neck as she was getting out of bed and it turned me on so much because we just don't do this at the moment, i do it to her, but she doesn't - generally - do it back...

and i'm thinking about cheating on her...

there is someone i know who has shown that she likes me, i've known her for awhile and i've always been flattered but done nothing about it, because i'm in this relationship...

recently i've raised my eyebrow... she has a boyfriend and i have a girlfriend which could work well, but i don't know if she has only recently got into this relationship or has been in it all along...

i don't want a long term thing... if it happens at all...

i would sooner fix things with my girlfriend but i don't know how and we're drifting further apart sexually, even as we stay in love and intimate (sleeping together)...

i also know that should i cheat on her this could well just push us further apart...

so i'm troubled...

i don't know if it'll happen, i don't know if i'll go through with it if it becomes possible...

x

ingress

2007-05-08T00:59:00.000+01:00

in the last few weeks we went through a strange and scary thing to do with our sex, and last night we moved some way towards fixing it...

i kissed her back, all of it...

from her shoulders down to her arse... then back again...

we were both a little stoned...

anyway, it was beautiful and the love making that it led to was the closest we've been to the kind of giving love making i want to be giving to her...

also at the moment i'm checking out astrology to some extent and i've just found that venus is ingressing into cancer in about 8 hours...

of course i don't really know what this means but we've definately felt the wind shift in the run up to the ingress...

x

blue and wanking

2007-02-24T01:58:00.000Z

so we're a little distant, me & her, tonight, and this makes me a little blue...

a small part of me that wants to see these things as a reason to separate... but only a small part...

and then a long cycle ride from south to north london the other night... strangely, even though i hadn't thought of it at the time, it was another south to north cycle journey that was similar...

but i'm getting ahead of myself...

that time i stopped at the thames and i went down to the beach, this time i was on the canal, under a railway bridge, both times close to midnight or after...

i had been cycling through hyde park and erotic thoughts had come to me, maybe meeting someone on the street, or a prostitute, the smell of the almost rain, there was an erotic edge to the journey and of course cycling long distances is a very physical affair... you're very much in your body...

so i stood for awhile underneath this railway bridge by the canal, looking nervously in either direction, up & down stream, for passers by, took out my cock, spat on my hand and started touching myself, wanking...

i was close to the part of the canal that goes around regents park where all those huge expensive houses are... i could see one such house just about...

at one point the fantasy in my mind became about meeting a glamourous woman from such a household, imagined, her using me, there was a hint of danger down there and this came into the fantasy a little, with her leaving me somewhere, or threatening me with a knife..?

it was cold and i didn't come... similar again to that night by the thames...

funnily enough i've just uploaded a film i've made which i took ages writing the words for, and that night wanking by the thames was a really productive one for words, many of the words i wrote that night ended up in the film...

not at all sexual and i'm not going to link to it, i guess i'm keen to keep this place separate from my other web life... strange to be writing here at all anyway, it's been a long time...

x

Sugasm #50

2006-10-17T22:55:00.000+01:00

Sugasm #50

Mon 16th Oct, 06

We’re celebrating a milestone this week. Thanks to all of our sexy writers we’ve made it to our 50th Sugasm. Congratulations!

The best of the sex blogs this week by the bloggers who blog them. Spotlighting the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #51? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

Dear Diary - Part One (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

The Lure of Darkness (http://www.easilyaroused.co.uk)

Flash (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

Mr. Sugasm Himself

50 Simultaneous Bloggasm’s… (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice

Let go, just let go (http://sugarbutch.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

Anastasia Probes the Pornos of Michael Ninn (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Doc Johnson Dick Rambone Cock (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)

Free whores of warcraft video (http://sultry.naughtyblog.net)

How to invent a sex toy - week 4 (http://sextoysinsider.com)

The Secret Porn History of Mahna Mahna (http://www.quirkysex.com/blog)

NSFW Pics

Cum Shot HNT (http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Crazy Bitch HNT!!! (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

Half-Nekkid Hottie (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com)

HNT 31 - Are You Paying Me For Sex Edition? (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Lingerie Battle (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Nora Marlo Nude (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Pornstar Legends (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Thick booty with a wedgie (http://phatbootysolos.ilovejulienight.com)

Valia - Vision (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover (http://saphirsatya.blogspot.com)

The “backdoor”, I went in. (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Big Dicks (http://www.model-chat.com)

Celebrity Sex Tapes (http://www.teen-porn-site.com)

Cock size & male ego size… a balancing act? (http://faltenin.blogspot.com)

Cocktoberfest - Day 9 (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

From Working The Fields To Working The Streets (http://virtual-sex-tourist.com/index.php)

The Girl Inside the Steff (http://smutandsteff.com)

Longing for a Woman’s Touch Part II (http://www.taratainton.com)

The next best thing to hotel sex… (http://hard-and-fast.blogspot.com)

Of fluffers and cake frosting (http://www.jessicagoldharalson.com)

Perfect Porn Part (http://alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com

Sexual Thoughts–I’m “Coping!” (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind… (http://lumpesse.com)

Wrap Around (http://www.seskuality.com)

You Say Pain, They Say Play (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Are you sure? (http://www.blog.sex-mad-witch.com)

Boris called me this morning (http://thediaryofanenglishrose.blogspot.com)

Darth Vader spanking (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

How does that ass feel after Me raping you??? (http://www.caramelvixen.com)

I Need A Spanking! (http://accidentalmistress.blogspot.com)

The Importance of Correct Attire (http://adelehaze.com)

Knots (http://ourdreaming.blogspot.com)

Mecca-Streisand of Traffic (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

My Tiny Dick Poll Question (http://www.spoiledebonyprincess.com)

Next day (http://bratmaster.blogspot.com)

Nothing Says Innocence Like…… (http://aliceinawonderbra.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

L.A. Trip Part 2- Mismatched Whores (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Stimulating me…..the right way (http://www.justcalllauren.com)

A Whore By Any Other Name … (http://lipstickexplosion.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Actually wanking outside (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Almost in real time… (http://dontwakethekids.blogspot.com)

Beachside encounter (http://skyoto.blogspot.com/)

The Beauty of the Beast (http://principles-of-lust.blogspot.com)

Birthday Gift (http://confessions112.blogspot.com)

Claiming A Friend’s Pussy (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)

Cowboy Cocksucker (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Desperate (http://pick-up-pieces.blogspot.com)

Goose Bumps (http://masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Home cooking, part 1 (http://erotischism.blogspot.com)

Island Love (http://mandyseroticlife.blogspot.com)

Joint: The Cyber Seck Convo (http://totalgeeklust.blogspot.com)

Mr Henry is a voyeur (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

My First Taste (http://talktovanessa.com)

Nature Hike (http://wantonyou.blogspot.com)

Sugar Stick (http://makemycopcome.blogspot.com)

There’s Something About Tristan (and Dana) (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)

Who I Wished It Was (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Playful Valia on the beach courtesy of Hot Box Babes.

[Posted by Sabrina Morgan | Filed under: accidental mistress, Adele Haze, alice in a wonder bra, Always Aroused Girl, Caramel Vixen, Chronicles of a Platinum Pussy, Cunting Linguist, diary of an english rose, Dirty Details, Dont Wake the Kids, dreamwalkers, Easily Aroused, Eroticandy, erotischism, everythingoze, Gently Gently, hard and fast, holiday life, hotbox babe, Internet is for Porn, jessica gold haralson, John Q After Hours, journey to the dark side, juno henry, just call lauren, La Bohème, Lipstick Explosion, Lumpesse, lusty lady, make my cop come, mandys erotic life, Master Enigmas Thoughts, master fitz and his brat, Mistress Sky, Model Chat, My Hotbox, NYC Urban Gypsy, orgasm army, Orgasm Curious, our dreaming, phat booty solos, Pick Up The Pieces, principles of lust, quirky sex, Radical Vixen, s spot, Seskuality, sex toys insider, Sexcapades, smut and steff, Spanking Katie Spades, Spoiled Ebony Princess, Stiletto Diaries, sugar bank, sugarbutch chronicles, sultry smile, Talk to Vanessa, Tara Tainton, taras naughty shop, teen porn site, texas spitfire, total geek lust, Total Sensuality, virtual sex tourist, Wank Log, wanna fuck, wanton you]

actually wanking outside

2006-10-11T03:48:00.000+01:00

smoked a little hash earlier tonight and even though i cycled for over an hour afterwards, which i'd hoped would make this not happen... i'm still a little insomniac, which is in general my payment for smoking after 10 at night...

so i just turned on my computer to write down a few words for something i'm writing at the moment and i realised that i wanted to come... so i gazed at the pictures for some movies i didn't even download and finished what i'd started several hours previously...

you see, midway through my cycle journey home tonight, from south to north london, i paused by the thames, i needed a piss, i lifted my bike over the barrier and walked down the steps to the beach of the thames, lowtide...

doing my small bit to pollute that great river...

i propped my bike against a pillar, found a space underneath the walkway and pissed against that river wall...

then, being as it was night, my body had been active from the cycling, there was noone around, the smell of the river and also maybe the faint smell of piss...

for all these reasons i kept hold of my cock and moistened my fingers, it was pretty cold and i didn't get hard very quickly but fairly soon i was wanking away on that lowtide beach there...

somehow an image of a watery woman came to me... not my girlfriend, not any of the ex-lovers who sometimes invade my masturbating thoughts...

a woman of the river, a tidal woman inviting my sperm into her, telling me she'll wash it away inside her when her tide comes in...

i guess it was the smell more than anything else, but the place directed my thoughts to this strange woman who i hadn't seen before...

i didn't come...

my bicycle was right beside me with both front and back lights blinking off and on.. a slight feeling of visibility, mixed with an awareness after awhile that coming wasn't necesary, to just be touching myself with this thames woman so possesing me...

this was enough...

so i put myself away and i walked along the beach, carrying my bike over the rockier bits, all the way from tate modern to waterloo bridge where i got back on my bike and cycled home...

the whole river excertion proving to be great for my words, a whole chunk of words fell out of me when i got home, hopefully for the film i've been working on...

happy, poetic, erotic time

x

wanking outside

2006-10-09T16:37:00.000+01:00

reading a blog that i like last night and they are visiting an abandoned mental hospital, finding a pornographic magazine and asking the question - who on earth would want to have a wank in that place?

and i realise that though i don't feel able to raise my digital hand and say so over there... i would be want to wank in a place like that...

as indeed i did touch myself to coming in the open back in the summer...

i remember walking in abney park cemetary, beautifully overgrown, shortly after first moving to london... a magical place, the first place i could kind of forget the city while wlking in it... i came accross a pornographic magazine and the idea of wanking in there was a potent one.. although i didn't do it...

i was back in that cemetary at some point over the summer, ex-girlfriend P had just moved into a place near there and she had cut my hair...

at the time P was being a little flirtatious, she'd sent me a copy of my album that i'd sent her when we were together but which i'd lost, included in the folder were a few pictures, one of my erect cock, one of us smiling and in bed...

so the thought that she might be up for fucking was around... not that i wanted to cheat on my girl, but it was a rich thought...

so there i was, having met her, she'd cut my hair, then i'd had to leave but there was a potential to meet again... i was walking in abney park cemetary and the idea of calling her, getting her to come out to the cemetary and to fuck her there... it was... is... a rich fantasy... i have no intention of doing it... i'm not going to cheat on my girl, but i can't deny it's there...

maybe i'm doing a disservice to my girl just writing about it?

and reading about that pornography in that abandoned mental hospital just brought it back today... oh no... that's right... i found a text file in my computer saying... hang on... i'll find it...:

(8th june 2006)

grass, paranoia,

so automatic, turning on a sharp, light and reexamining recent events through
another set of eyes

considering a RTMC post for what i said to M, about the consequences of cheating,
as i was saying it it was becoming clear,

if i had or would sleep with P what that would do to my psyche...

x

RTMC being the old name for this blog, M a friend from work, a potent thought, what cheating on my girl would do to my psyche...

my girl who just came into my room... we spent a delicious hour or so in each other's company... so in love with her..

x

Sugasm #48

2006-09-27T12:10:00.000+01:00

The best of the sex blogs this week by the bloggers who blog them. Spotlighting the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #49? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

The Luckiest Girl in the World (http://alwaysarousedgirl.blogspot.com)

“Would he have the energy, the stamina, to make me come as much as I need to come?”

I Want To Shave You (http://makemycopcome.blogspot.com)

“That luscious plum, that erotic ridge around it, the enticing veins tracing their way up that cock I am so engrossed in…”

The Rum Raisin Compromise (http://talktovanessa.com)

“My husband did not understand why I couldn’t live the rest of my life without the taste of a woman passing my lips.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

How to Give Away Porn (http://sugarbank.com)

Editors’ Choice

Rope Bondage Images (http://www.lumpesse.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sexy Audio & Video

Hear My Name (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

How to Give a Blowjob in a Car (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Sex Inspiration, Study & Dream - Video Blog Entry (http://www.seska4lovers.com)

Slave Girl: Part One (http://fuckingtheministersdaughter.blogspot.com)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

Craigslist User Publicizes Private Correspondence (http://www.tarasnaughtyshop.com/blog)

Do Video Games Effect Our Sex Lives? (Survey) (http://sugarjoy.com)

The Five Best Tera Patrick Scenes of All Time (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Inflatable Vibrating Penis (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)

Tire Paddle HNT (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

NSFW Pics

Adela & Susana (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)

Ass Masterpiece (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Consolation Eye Candy, or What a Wild, Wild Month! (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Featured DDGirls Covergirl Sunny Leone (http://www.ddgirlsblog.com)

Put on a Shirt HNT (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

Roxy in booty shorts (http://phatbootysolos.ilovejulienight.com)

Two Bad Girls in a Prison Bed (http://adelehaze.com)

WebMistress Feature Gallery: Scenic Silver Reef (http://www.taratainton.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Adult Webcam Humor (http://www.model-chat.com)

Boobies (http://edinerotica.blogspot.com)

Erotic Rather Than Fucking (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Phain’s Tasty Specs… (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

Science of Sex - Sense of Smell (http://www.seskuality.com)

Sex Goddess??? (http://thegooseandgander.blogspot.com)

“Three sex acts enter, one sex act leaves.” (http://sexeteria.blogspot.com)

The Vagina and the Douche (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

2. Greet (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Dreaming of a Dark Odyssey (http://viviane212.blogspot.com)

The Eternal Hotness of Hanna (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Get Caught Looking now! (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)

My Taxicab Confession (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com)

Room 304, Part I (http://www.chillivanilla.com/blg)

Teresa (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Happy HNT-Cheerleader Paddling (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Lions, Tigers, and Spankings! Oh my! (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

A Long Awaited Erotic Very Sexy Spanking Session… Finally (http://lizzietush.blogspot.com)

Melinda Makes a Discovery… (http://www.blog.sex-mad-witch.com)

Pajama Party (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)

She was like a wild animal… (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Switching My Bottom On (http://spankingwriters.com/blog)

erotic rather than fucking

2006-09-19T21:45:00.000+01:00

so me & my baby don't have sex very much, but we do erotically hold each other, stroke each other, kiss each other, often in the day...

so that sexuality has gone into a beautiful erotic lifestyle... not that sex is gone... just not so regular as all that...

before work last night she came into my room to say goodbye and i pulled her to my bed... this as we were kissing and behaving exactly as i said before... erotic as hell...

she climbed on top of me and i begged her not to go to work... to no avail... and then i begged her to suck my cock... a request she granted...

i'm slightly less in the world of pornography these days... mostly to do with her, with wanting my sexual life to include her as much as possible, i guess i hadn't come for a little while and in the little time she had she sucked me to a beautiful orgasm, then wiped herself off, smiled at me and went to work...

oh that woman...

and then finally just my attitude towards the wonders of sugasm... i stumbled across it a month or so back and started submitting my ramblings... then saw how much my counter went up because of it and decided to write once a week, specifically for sugasm... well, it meant i was spending a little more of my writing over here than i really meant to, and also every time it came out i would be drawn to the erotica or the porn and i would inevitably make myself come...

so i consciously left it alone for a few weeks and now i'm back where i wanted to be... posting here every now and again, submitting to sugasm if they'll have me in that small way...

and in love with my girl...

x

blue

2006-09-03T14:00:00.000+01:00

things aren't right between me & my baby... just in the sex... everything is fine i think...

so i'm a little scared...

i want to be able to work it out with her... but i'm scared...

x

Sugasm #44

2006-08-29T12:51:00.000+01:00

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Featuring the top 3 posts voted by Sugasmer participants. Want in Sugasm #45? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Top Voted Posts

How To Win An Erotic Fiction Competition (http://www.msnaughty.com)

Tales From Under The Desk, Part 7 (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)

Turning Point (http://masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Nearly Nude Modeling and the Paedophile Problem (http://sugarbank.com)

Random Selection

Polyamorous? Or just plain selfish? (http://damnjezebel.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

Half-Nekkid and Getting Fucked (http://www.TarasNaughtyShop.com)

New sex toy review - Inflatable Vibrating Butt Plug (http://www.orgasmarmy.com)

Porn Review: All Girl Slumber Party (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Sexy Girls Playing Mahjong (http://sugarjoy.com)

Welcome to the SexBlog Welcome Blog! (http://sexblogwelcome.blogspot.com)

Sex Advice

How To Worship My Cunt: Future Lovers Take Note! (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

Dominating every male in My path (http://www.ladyevilsdungeon.com)

Not that innocent…. (http://kyliecallme.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Debasing the Bathroom (http://www.chillivanilla.com)

Fucking Mitzi (100th Post!) (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

Hot Rod (http://la-day.blogspot.com)

House Party 101 (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

I’m Back, Baby (http://suddenslip.blogspot.com)

“Kiss her” (http://tangysweet.blogspot.com)

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall (http://edinerotica.blogspot.com)

On the Other Side of the Green Door (http://www.TaraTainton.com)

Party of 21 (http://erotischism.blogspot.com)

The perfect storm (http://joeheather.blogspot.com)

SMS Weekend Diary (https://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Wild Joy (http://www.suchnonsense.com)

Xantasia Goes To Paradise (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

1/3rd Dead (http://wesleeptogether.blogspot.com)

Beach Pickup Lines (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

JD’s Spec Sheet vs Mel’s- his first (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

The joys of lube (http://www.hotcouple.co.uk)

No Picture - No Reply (http://adult.backwash.com)

Our last make-up (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

The Honeymoon’s Over (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

How to be a superslave. (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

Ode To Cock Illustrated (http://naturaldom.blogspot.com)

She doesn’t know it yet, but it’s already too late… (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Sleeping in (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

So glad to serve as an inspiration (http://principalquattrano.com/blog)

Webcam session with My lesbian cunt (http://www.caramelvixen.com)

NSFW Pics

Arne Jahn Fetish Photographer (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Stickin to tha HNT Swimsuit Theme (http://texasspitfire.blogspot.com)

sleeping in

2006-08-24T20:52:00.000+01:00

i had a week's work last week which threw me, and the week before i was gigging and rehearsing and recording so i've been a little absent from this place...

i'm just popping by to share how much i love being in bed with my girlfriend... as i was getting up @ 8am every day last week my body has been waking me up before her this week, and i love just lying there, drifting in and out of sleep, holding her...

she's sleeping and she moans and clings to me in such a delicious way...

i love how she responds to me stroking her... her hair, her skin...

i wrote a tune for her on this subject shortly after we started going out and it's still as true as ever... i so deeply love being there and holding her as she wakes up...

love...

x

wanking

2006-08-07T18:07:00.000+01:00

no sex for a few days and i'll probably be coming on my own once or twice...

i woke up this morning to hear my housemate's stereo through the wall, the album of her cousin who comes round here sometimes and is drop dead gorgeous...

in my drowsy half asleep state i started thinking about this cousin and touching myself, my boobelah had gone off to work already, thoughts of her sucking me, then thoughts of ex-girlfreind P being fucked by another man in front of me and begging for my cock in her mouth... oh the thoughts that go through my head with my cock in my hand...

so i came, a strange coming, distant somehow, but real and sticky as ever...

then i came online and saw sugasm #41 was posted so i put it down there below this post and was very much drawn to amanda... pictured at the top of sugasm #41...

i regretted coming already as my mind was reeling just thinking of how perfect this woman looks, might write an erotic story just for her...

there's a fair amount of agro in my household at the moment aimed at me and one reaction to it is that i just want to touch myself more & more... strange i know...

also i so loved wanking when i was single, looking at porn and occassionally finding a model who really got to me... so that this hiatus from my lover gives me permission to engage with that again, just for a few days...

x

Sugasm #41

2006-08-07T14:30:00.000+01:00

Sun 6th Aug, 06

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #42? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Mr. Sugasm himself

73% of American’s Hate Porn (http://sugarbank.com)

NSFW Pics (and a Podcast)

Amanda (http://hotboxbabe.thumblogger.com)

It’s Thursday! Happy HNT! (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Nora Marlo self portraits (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Splish Splash (photos/podcast) (http://bedroomradio.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Does Size Matter? (http://sexeteria.blogspot.com)

Insatiable: How to Date a Nympho (http://sabrinainstockings.com)

Oh Kegels, How I Love Thee (http://blog.babeland.com)

On My Way to Sex Rehab (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Rockin’ – Not Humpin’ – In the Free World (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

Straight, Male, Talking About My Sexuality (http://www.realadultsex.com)

Take Naked Pictures of Your Girlfriend (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Thank God for Sex (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

The thinky and the kinky: qualities of attraction (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Humor

Film Fridays 33 - Internet Dating (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

The Top 30 Most Annoying Things About Porn (http://www.msnaughty.com/blog)

Why Don’t I Ever See Porn Stars On the Golf Course? (http://sugarjoy.com)

Sex Work

Crossover Fetish Subs are Twice as Weak (http://www.ladyevilsdungeon.com/evil_domme)

Dumb Ass white boi! (http://www.spoiledebonyprincess.com/princess-blog )

Smoking Fetish (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Sex News and Sexy Reviews

August Contest - Story Time (http://sin.typepad.com/shauna_by_night)

Half-Nekkid and Loving Himself (http://www.TarasNaughtyShop.com)

Review: The Wolf Summers By ElSol (http://anawtymouz.blogspot.com)

Straight Porn Review: Briana Banks… a.k.a. Filthy Whore 3 (http://blog.johnqafterhours.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

8/1 by Rex: That Wonderful Ass (http://rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

Aerosmith (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Clothing Optional (http://tangysweet.blogspot.com)

The First ‘Threesome’ (http://lumpesse.com)

F♥ck Bunny (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Last night (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

A Most Proper Text Message (http://damnjezebel.com/diary)

No Niceties (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

Statuesque (http://www.asstr.org/~gentlebutfirm)

Through the Green Door (www.TaraTainton.com)

Voyeuristic Dream (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

Yes. I Like Girls. (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

BDSM and Fetish

The Honeymoon Part I (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Introducing people to rubber kink (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

Open Panties (http://natalieslingerie.blogspot.com)

Pain Slut- A Fantasy (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

Webcam Session with an Old Man (http://www.caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog)

Pretty pic of Amanda posing in the field courtesy of Hot Box Babe.

last night

2006-08-05T02:06:00.000+01:00

so we had sex... earlier on in the night... and in fact that's worth mentioning as well, i didn't get hard at first at all... as is my sometimes thing these days, and she reached down and started caressing me in a very sweet way... somehow the image of a fireside came to me, some other place, some nurturing place, i don't know...

anyway i became hard and as i became hard i became sensitive... as though she'd opened a place inside me that doesn't often see the light of day...

and we fucked, after a little while... very beautiful...

as we snuggled up to go to sleep a little later we both still had it in us and we were quite animalistic... a certain scratching and a hunger...

so the point i'm briefly making here is that i'd already come, and she started to suck me again but this time her hand stretched down and caressed my arse, her fingers teasing my anus... and her mouth wandered down also, licking at me... licking at the mouth of my anus, her tongue penetrating me slightly...

a beautiful, warm feeling... and then as she sucked me again she pushed her finger inside me and i was in heaven...

this combination really sensually knocked me out...

i didn't come again but it was as though my body was on fire...

we'd talked earlier about touching each other and the fact that i hadn't really made her come, which was a sore point for me...

so the other thing that happened last night was that after all this, after we'd fucked, and then once she'd sucked me once more, i started touching her and something was different, maybe the fact that we'd already had sex, maybe the talk we'd had... but i touched her clitorus and carried right on touching her as she got closer and closer to coming and although she didn't have an entire - full orgasm at my touch she got very close...

so for the first time she'd started playing with my arse while sucking me... and for the first time she just let me touch her, without her reaching down herself...

i woke today very much in love...

x

Sugasm #40

2006-07-31T12:34:00.000+01:00

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #41? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Mr. Sugasm himself

The New Wave of Porn Star Hookers (http://www.sugarbank.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Sweet Torture (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

Sweet and Dirty (http://tangysweet.blogspot.com)

A Spanking Interlude (http://www.spankingwriters.com)

Spanked Again! (http://everythingoze.blogspot.com)

Punishment vs. Discipline (http://www.alternativealbany.com/bdsm/)

A Lesson in the Fine Art of Whipping (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

I feel slightly better and get the brush and the paddle… Hmmmm (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

A Gift (http://thebinside.blogspot.com)

Frugal Kink: The $25 Toy Bag (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

D is for Daddy (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Carol’s room (http://assistantmistress.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

What a girl has to do… (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

Virginal Cherry (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Touched, for the very first time (http://faltenin.blogspot.com)

Surprise (I) (http://junohenry.wordpress.com)

Sunday Confession (http://wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)

Sexual Exploration (http://sexyukgirl.blogspot.com)

The Return of the Lawyer (http://www.suchnonsense.com)

Outside (http://bdsmlover.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Not Too Tired After All (http://masterenigma.blogspot.com)

The Morning After (http://ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)

Married By Slut Puppy (http://fourstate.blogspot.com)

Hunger no more (http://xxgraciexx.blogspot.com)

Elegant Backstroke in a Shot Glass (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Come again? (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

The Celebratory Wank (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Annual Check Up (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

7/23 by Roxy: Make it a Double! (http://rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

NSFW Pics

Prime Cups (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Multiple Choice (http://tgp.com)

Memory Lane (http://www.seska4lovers.com)

Sex News

New Blogging Designs Added! (http://tarasnaughtyshop.com)

Avery Score Takes Us Down Rainbow Road (http://sugarjoy.com)

Sex Work

Playing the Repentant Ex-Wife (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Any volunteers? (http://kyliecallme.com/diary)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Reader Question - Unfaithfulness (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

Panties or Knickers? (http://gentlebutfirm.blogspot.com)

In Search of the City’s Hottest Stripping and Swinging (http://www.taratainton.com)

Exploring Alternative Relationships (http://www.seskuality.com)

The Dangers of Cybersex (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

Coffee and a spanking with Master R tonight (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Beginner’s Fun with Role Play (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

“Are You a Ho or Do You Just Want Others to be?” (http://lustylady.blogspot.com)

come again?

2006-07-29T01:57:00.000+01:00

i'm in a different place...

sexually...

right now...

only slightly different and nowhere i haven't been before but i just want to see where the edges are...

you see i knew earlier that i wouldn't be seeing my baby tonight, which amongst other things gave me permission to come while reading erotica... it was
Just the, um, three of us? part one……. that did it... lovely writing about a beautiful sexual situation, a different kind of coming than fucking or indeed looking at porn... something sensual about it...

i guess i often feel that i owe my orgasms to my girlfriend... even though another way to look at it would be that having come once it'll take more to make me come again and therefore longer fucking if that's wanted...

but now it's changed and i possibly will see her tonight, in a few hours time... and it's quite possible that we may make love, (not that i'm too comfortable with that expression these days but i for one moment feel at a loss for another way to express it without calling it fucking... called it fucking for so long the other words have fallen out of my head...)

and this means that if i do come it'll be the second time around... love's more beautiful... the second time... around... as peggy lee has it...

and this just lends some increased sensitivity some... slighty worn... no... you know when your recieving anal sex...? not that i do as it happens but it's rougher than vaginal sex... more tender and therefore harder... that's kind of what i mean...

i remember the other day i'd come in her mouth inamongst the trees and i came again later on, back home, fucking her which began outside in the garden but which we took inside... i remember not thinking i would come and finding the second coming just that little closer to divinity...

so look, i'm a little stoned and i could go on like this for ages but i think i'll leave it there...

bless you for reading... long live sugasm...

x

Sugasm #39

2006-07-23T16:34:00.000+01:00

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #40? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

NSFW Pics

HHNT!!!!!! (http://melanaise.blogspot.com)

I Feel Myself, I Really Do : ) (http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Porn Week Vacation (http://www.internetisforporn.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

The Anticipation (http://wanklog.blogspot.com)

Being Submissive (http://ww2.alternativealbany.com/bdsm/)

Late night deviant (http://xxgraciexx.blogspot.com)

Mmm Tentacle-y (http://shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

My Orgasm and Sexual Desire Secrets (http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

RANT: On the Rag with The Goddesses (http://cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

Self image is a wonderful thing, most of the time (http://seanandmel.blogspot.com)

Tag - Past Love - Story 2 - Self-discovery and Healing (http://dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

Those damn slutty bisexuals (http://www.dangerousfemme.com)

Sex News

Bush for “Products and Services,” Not Birth Control (http://www.taratainton.com)

Gay Gamers are Coming Out of the Closet (http://sugarjoy.com)

Next Door Nikki on Jerry Springer (http://myhotbox.blogspot.com)

There’s Got To Be A Joke Here Somewhere (http://tgp.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Guessing Games (http://eroticaetcetera.com/blog/)

How about a cookie (http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Isabella’s Eyes - Part IV (http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Spanking at t’mill (http://www.spankingwriters.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

A VERY long drive home (http://spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

Yes Master (http://gentlygently.blogspot.com)

Humor

Static Electricity–and no, it wasn’t caused by the phone (http://lipstickexplosion.com)

Unbeknownst To The Roommate (http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

You want some popcorn with that? (http://dontwakethekids.blogspot.com)

Sex Work

Haze Goes to Prison (http://adelehaze.com/)

Long nails dig into the submissive mind (http://www.ladyevilsdungeon.com)

Tease and Denial with My sissy bitch (http://www.caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog/)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

7/16 by Rex: Soap Suds (http://rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

The Bed, the Bath, and Beyond (http://www.taratainton.com)

A Bit of Pink Alone Time (http://femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Blush (http://designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

Can you hear that..? (http://pleasinglydebauched.blogspot.com)

Cold Hands, Hot strokes (http://lustdemon.blogspot.com)

Good Thing It Wasn’t Windy Today… (http://onaniajournal.blogspot.com)

His Kind of Woman (http://theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Hot Mami is OPP (part one) (http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com/)

I left my heart in San Francisco (http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

Just the, um, three of us? part one……. (http://aliferestarted.blogspot.com)

Nocturnal Confessions #1 (http://xantasia.blogspot.com)

Trees again (http://orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Wet (http://www.asstr.org/~gentlebutfirm/)

Lovely upskirt photo courtesy of Melanaise.

[Posted by Vixen | Filed under: A Life Restarted, Adele Haze, Alternative Albany, Caramel Vixen, Cunting Linguist, Dangerous Femme, Darkside Journey, Dawnndirty, Designing Intimacy, Dirty Details, Dont Wake the Kids, erotica etcetera, Eroticandy, Femme Fatale Teen, Gentle but firm, Gently Gently, Gracies Playground, Internet is for Porn, Lady Evils Dungeon, Lipstick Explosion, Lust Demon, Melanaise, My Hotbox, NYC Urban Gypsy, Onania Journal, Orgasm Curious, Pleasingly Debauched, Radical Vixen, Red Velvet Rope Burn, Rex and Roxy, Sean and Mel, Shays Sex Column, Spanking Katie Spades, Spanking Writers, Sugar Joy, Tara Tainton, TGP, The Holiday Life, Total Sensuality, Wanklog, Xantasia]

trees again

2006-07-18T14:05:00.000+01:00

1stly numbers, when i put a counter in this blog, around the time i put a counter in my other blog, this one had more traffic... just as you might expect, things of a sexual nature draw people more than other blogs...

something odd happened to my other blog, unwelcome attention from someone in an almost christian way, she drew attention to my lack of traffic and posted it in her own blog, which had the obscure effect of increasing traffic...

also by this time i was posting less over here and the numbers shifted the other way, my other blog overtook this one...

until now that is... sugasm related traffic puts this blog's numbers @ 3630 & my other blog numbers @ 3662... before the day is out this one'll be in the lead again...

but down to the matter at hand... which is my sweet girlfriend and me, travelling over to hampstead heath on sunday and lying in the park drinking rose cava, smoking spliffs, being happy...

kenwood house in fact it was at first, but once the bottle was drunk and we'd been lying there for a little while we took a stroll south into the heath proper...

we hadn't gone very far when we saw a perfectly climbable tree and it turned out she had never climbed a tree... so of course we set about it... leaving the coolbox and our flipflops on the ground, circling higher, i was amazed that she'd never done it because she seemed such a natural tree climber... the day was getting on for evening and the weather was beautiful, there we were in love and in a tree... not really anyone around...

not particularly covered but highish it became apparent that we were both pretty horny, we started joking about fucking and i took it a little further by taking out my erect cock... i was standing on a branch a little lower than hers and she bent down so she was lying on her branch and she gently put my cock in her mouth, sucking me in that heavenly way she has...

we were both looking around nervously and we didn't keep this up for long, just long enough to make us really want to fuck each other... with that erotic atmosphere firmly lodged in our brains and in our bodies... one of the reasons to keep it so brief was that the longer it went on the weaker my legs became... the notion of losing my strength and falling out of the tree, delicious pleasure followed by pain...

so i put myself away and we smiled at each other, kissing long & langourous...telling each other what we wanted to do...

at length we got down from the tree, the cocksucking had been a brief interlude in a lazy chapter but it had lent the whole thing this charged erotic edge that we still felt...

we strolled further into the heath, each finding a place to piss (easier for me) and looking furtively about for a suitable place...

there's a dry stream there which led into a fairly covered bit of undergrowth, treebranches, shrubs...

we stood at the edge of the dry stream talking about it and kissing, she reluctant on the surface but really wanting it, it turns out to be a fantasy of hers to fuck in the woods, also she does love the idea of people watching, when my curtains are open she loves to fuck me, the thrill of maybe someone seeing us adding to it...

and of course the more we kissed the more we needed to be touching more deeply so after a prolonged moment on the bank there she led me by the hand through the dry stream, into the more covered area...

where she knelt down and sucked my cock once more, this time with more strength...

after a while i told her that i needed to fuck her and touch her so she stood up and leaned forward pushing out her hands to a tree as i lifted her skirt and pulled down her knickers... reaching around to touch her clitorus which was wet and smooth... she reached back and guided my cock towards the mouth of her cunt and i stroked her, sometimes gently, sometimes harder as i slowly pushed my cock into her...

we were locked in this position for some time, pushing deeper inside her, fucking her, feeling the cool of the evening shade and smelling the woods around us, absolute heaven...

you know i'm not really cut out for this erotic recounting, i get to the meat of it and i don't want to say any more about it, i have no interest in padding it out with more description, partly because i want the experience to remain, unanalysed...

we had no condoms with us and i was getting close so we swapped back, me now holding a tree branch over my head as i fucked her mouth and she sucked me powerfully to a beautiful orgasm... spitting out my sperm into the undergrowth...

and we strolled to the busstop happy and in love... mischievous eyes... laughing...

x

Sugasm #38

2006-07-14T13:29:00.000+01:00

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #39? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Announcements

SugarJoy has a New Webmistress (sugarjoy.com)

Blogathon 2006 (the-iron-gate.com/blog)

Sex Work and Humor

A Cornucopia of Perversion (radicalvixen.com/blog)

How to Spot Breast Implants (sugarbank.com)

F’n Amazing Webcam Show (seska4lovers.com)

All About My Summer Vacation (ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

UFC - Ultimate F(*)#&@&$ Club (thehiddensides.blogspot.com)

7/10 by Rex: A Tale of Two Roxies (rexandroxy.blogspot.com)

Morning After (joeheather.blogspot.com)

Tired? (xantasia.blogspot.com)

Friday Night Teaser (femmefataleteen.blogspot.com)

Facets of an Assignation (easilyaroused.co.uk)

First HNT Dream (dawnndirty.blogspot.com)

coming in her mouth and in the trees (orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)

Comfortably Decadent - Part Three (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)

Doesn’t Anyone Here Want Their Ass Licked? (designingintimacy.blogspot.com)

“The Meeting” a work of fiction (incorrigiblegirl.com/blog)

Shibari Thursday (masterenigma.blogspot.com)

Stand and Deliver (asstr.org/~gentlebutfirm)

A Fantasy in White (hedone.typepad.com/as_pursuit_of_pleasure)

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Featured Article - Exploring Alternative Relationships (part 1) (seskuality.com)

Bust a (Porn) Move (myhotbox.blogspot.com)

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Flash of Clarity / Flash of Mia (sabrinainstockings.com)

Reader Question - Blow Me… Please (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)

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Neighbor Affair: What could be more patriotic? (internetisforporn.com)

Masked Nude Beauty (eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Danni makes a splash! Squirting video and more… (danni654.blogspot.com)

WebMistress Feature Gallery: Flashing Utah (taratainton.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Isabella’s Eyes - Part III (nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Spankable Blog Award (darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

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Doctor Who: the (should have been a) Spanking Episode (spankingwriters.com/blog)

My Lil Barmaid Sissy Bitch (caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog)

Redemption (bdsmlover.blogspot.com)

Waiting for Punishment in a Fantasy Manor (adelehaze.com)

And Now for the Video! (spankingkatiespades.blogspot.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Closet Slut (?) (totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

The Ugly Cry (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)

Black Dicks in White Chicks: pornographic fantasies of miscegenation, black power, and the colonization of interracial desire (lumpesse.com)

The sexy sunbathing photo of Tara Tainton comes directly from her very own blog.

[Posted by Sabrina Morgan | Filed under: A Walk in the Evening Garden, Adele Hazes Spanking Model Speaks, Allegory of an Underage Femme Fatale, As Pursuit of pleasure, Babelands Blog, Badgirls Hotbox, Caramel Vixen, Cunting Linguist, Danni654 Swingertime, Dawn N Dirty, Designing Intimacy, Easily Aroused, ErotiCandy Blog, Everything Goes, Gentle but firm, Incorrigible Girl, Internet is for Porn, Journey into submission, Journey to the Darkside, Katies Punishment and Spanking Blog, Lumpesse, Master Enigma, Northern lights and sleepless nights, Occasionally sexually honest, Radical Vixen, Sabrina in Stockings, Seska For Lovers, Seskuality, Sex with Rex and Roxy, Stories You Wouldnt Write Home About, SugarBank, SugarJoy, Tara Tainton, The Hidden Sides, The Holiday Life, The S Spot, The Spanking Writers, Total Sensuality, Urban Gypsy, Xantasia]

coming in her mouth and in the trees

2006-07-06T22:25:00.000+01:00

i had a couple of pints a few hours ago and my body is still a little uncomfortable because of that...

so since i became part of sugasm my quiet little blog has been a great deal busier...

so i'll probably be blogging over her at least once a week... to have something to post to sugasm... opportunistic but it'll do the writing some good...

my beautiful girl came into my room this early afternoon to say goodbye and i had only put on my T-shirt... got distracted midway through dressing, so we kissed, and we kissed some more, a little more urgently this time...

i pulled her towards the bed and fell backwards onto it with her in my arms, her straddling me and the kissing just going on & on...

well my cock was just there and it was getting harder & harder and she pretty soon started sucking on it in that delightful way that she has...

i saw an old flame the other day - exparttime as she was known in these pages - i got drunk with her and a few old friends on saturday night and in the course of the night she told me she was ready... she'd given up cocaine, she's studying reiki...

a few times in the night she came back to this, that she was ready... for me, for a relationship... was the implication...

before i'd left the house to see them my girl had sucked me to a beautiful orgasm, partly because she was aware that i'd see exparttime...

now exparttime, which is why i'm telling this story, never made me come in her mouth, this beautiful woman who is my girl these days has made me come many, many times, more than all the other women put together... this pleases her immensely...

we're very happy right now me & the girl, we've had some work to do but it's paid off and i am so far from wanting to reignite any exparttime business it's untrue...

so back to today...

she sucks me until i come in her mouth and she spits my sperm into her hand... i never used to spit but your sperm tastes so strong she tells me, which i'm sure could be made into a damn good country & western song...

oh... and the trees...

ok, so i wrote quite a bit in my journal (pen & paper) this week, which i was meaning to transcribe here, i'll give you the gist,

i was standing by the river thames, on the beach, under one of the jetties on the south side near the oxo tower... this was monday, i was due to meet my girl in an hour and it was a baking hot early evening, i was watching the tide, trying to work out if it was coming in or going out... thinking, writing...

it's pretty secluded down there, strangely, i mean the river is right there so it's not that secluded but noone goes there... the heat... and the slowness... it put me in mind of my teenage years... a certain somnolence that i used to feel that was coupled with the almost sexual need to shit... (which i did - need to - on monday by the river)...

back when that need, and the slight suppressing of it, was the most sexual... sensual thing i did... pre-masturbating...

so the thought comes to me that i could masturbate down there.. hide amongst the wooden supports and come.. enveloped in the smell of the wood, the water...

i didn't do it, just a potent thought...

the next day i was walking along the river wandle in south london, aimless walking, my business done for the day, a few hours ahead that i could do with as i pleased, found my way onto a path by this small river that joins the thames...

another hot day, close, a thunder cloud over the city promising rain but not yet...

i wanted to write in the journal so i was looking out for a bench... i found one evntually and this same teenage headspace was upon me, the bench was away from the path and it led to a smaller path largely hidden in trees...

as soon as the idea came i set up my camera, balanced on a branch, set it videoing and took out my cock and started touching myself...

as i was getting ready to come i heard thunder over london... no rain over me but it would have been welcome...

i came fairly quickly and the aftermath of coming was really strong, that thick, potent, sensual air that you breathe just after...

i wiped my hands on leaves and went on my way...

showed the video to my girl that night and she found it cute... & wierd... a leaf covers my cock largely but you can see what i'm doing... reminded me of a much longer video i took of myself wanking awhile back...

half a mind to post them but i don't know the rules for posting adult video's and whther you can embed them into blogs... also not sure i'm ready to broadcast myself in that way...

x

Sugasm #37

2006-07-02T14:49:00.000+01:00

Announcements

Sex and Porn Events (sugarbank.com)
June Contest (sin.typepad.com/shauna_by_night)
Plea to the Sex-Blogging Community (spiritsex.blogspot.com)

NSFW Pics

Alison Angel and Real Peachez (sensualarousalblog.com)
Red Headed Beauty Jacinta Shot by Abby Winters (iloveabbywinters.com)
Teen Lesbian Rides Her Lover’s Tongue (simply-sapphicerotica.com)
Alison Angel Topless in Jeans (ilovealisonangel.com)
Women in Red (myhotbox.blogspot.com)
15 on 1 (pornzio.com/blog)
Anthony Guerra, Pin Up Artist (eroticandy.blogspot.com)
Cutie Playmate Sara Jean Underwood (thesexbox.com/blog)
Cum on Eileen (movies and review) (internetisforporn.com)

BDSM and Fetish

Welcum Home Daddy (redvelvetropeburn.blogspot.com)
The Making of a Cuckold - J. Part 1 (http://uk.360.yahoo.com/profile-pqPp2dY0bqgI1wN0f COZsxX1lJCR)
Spanked and Reconnected (darkside-journey.blogspot.com)
BDSM Homemakers (alternativealbany.com)
On Belts and Hotel Rooms (spankingwriters.com/blog)
Play Contract, Saturday and the Bondage Chair (everythingoze.blogspot.com)
Concentrate (masterenigma.blogspot.com)
“I Have A Surprise For You, Lil Girl” (lifeashis.com)

Sex Advice and Sexy Reviews

Choosing the Right Lube (creamonpants.com)
Kegel Size Me, Baby! (shayssexcolumn.blogspot.com)
Caught Red-Handed (gentlygently.blogspot.com)
How Clothes Make Sex Hotter (4thegirlnextdoor.blogspot.com)
DVD: The Noise (Lupus Pictures) (adelehaze.com)

Thoughts on Sex

Opposing Forces: Laws of Attraction (cuntinglinguist.blogspot.com)
Read My Lips: It’s Vulva, Not Vagina (msnaughty.com/blog)
Ten Ambiguously Gay Game Characters (4thegirlgamers.blogspot.com)
But Never Sexually Dishonest (orgasmcurious.blogspot.com)
Beneath This Conservative Exterior (submissiveinthecity.wordpress.com)
Eating Pussy (caramelvixen.com/vixen-blog)
The Denial (wanklog.blogspot.com)
Racist Caller (radicalvixen.com/blog)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

Comfortably Decadent - Part One (theholidaylife.blogspot.com)
Her Surprise (Part One) (aliferestarted.blogspot.com)
Swapping and Smooching on the Strip (taratainton.com)
Stories You Wouldn’t Write Home About: Jekyll, Hyde, and the Happy Whore Place (ellabeecoquette.blogspot.com)
Lunch at the Fountain of You (andrememberthattime.blogspot.com)
Theatrics (emergingontheotherside.blogspot.com)
My Turn, Your Turn (secretsofadirtygirl.blogspot.com)
Summer Vacation (kingdomofmean.com/sheets)
So Hot, So Hard (lustdemon.blogspot.com)
Loving vs. Fucking (fourstate.blogspot.com)
Two in One Day or “I Want Some Cinnamon” (dontwakethekids.blogspot.com)
Losin’ It (talktovanessa.com)
I Want a Sunday Kind Of Love… (designingintimacy.blogspot.com)
The Middle of the Night (the-sensuous-libertine.blogspot.com)
One Plus Two (easilyaroused.co.uk)
Vegas (prudence-tells-all.blogspot.com)
God is Infinitely Seductive (totalsensuality.blogspot.com)
Doin’ tha Dirty Dishes (wetbeyondbelief.blogspot.com)
Vivid Dream (dawnndirty.blogspot.com)
Little Tease (sugarbabyweekly.blogspot.com)
Fade (sexblogthis.blogspot.com)

that thought

2006-06-29T23:47:00.000+01:00

two things... an erotic thought about someone else... and the erotic reality with my beautiful girlfriend,

let's start with the girlfriend, this wonderful woman who is sharing my life with me...

it turns out that the dark cloud that was threatening the relationship related to sex, and to something i was/wasn't doing...

almost a week ago we were in bed almost asleep but i roused us to a bit of fucking... beautiful sensual touching and then fucking and then her touching herself... midway through this she's trying to reach a condom and my cock is completely out of the picture and starts to become soft... i touch myself but i know that a few deft touches from her would be all i need to be hard again, you know how the touch of someone else works wonders...

but i know from experience that she doesn't like to touch me in these times, i ask anyway and she half-heartedly touches me and then kind of shrugs and stops being sexual altogether... slumps over and is asleep in moments...

well this did me in, it's hard enough having a problem being erect without your lover responding like that towards it...

so i bring it up the next night, we're having a bath and i mention it, and she finally opens out and tells me that she's not been enjoying sex recently...

...

which is pretty damn hard to deal with, and you can see why she hesitated so long to tell me, but because she hesitated so long, months it seems, i've been thinking things are good when they haven't been for quite some time and this really messes with my head...

anyway she talks more about it and she recounts how we've been fucking sometimes and i've had my eyes shut and i'm not touching or kissing her and i've seemed really far away from her... which sounds to me those occassions i've remarked on here awhile back when i've been fucking her but thinking of somebody else... something i'm not proud of but that i did do a few times, to do with coming i think it was, or getting hard even...

well this set something going in her head, also to do with how i don't give her much pleasure in bed, something i'm conscious of and freaked out by, previous relationships much more characterised by my giving pleasure, touching... making my partner come...

at some point a few weeks ago i pointed this out to her and told her i really wanted to make her come, she'd been reticent about it, when she came for the first time with me (through her fingers, my cock) it was the first time she'd come with someone else, she experiences orgasms as being a solitary thing...

this was what led to her touching herself the other night in fact...

one of the things that upset me was that it seemed so black and white, she was either giving me pleasure or giving herself pleasure (or letting my give her pleasure), giving and recieving together seems out of bounds...

anyway, since we spoke the other night we've got on much better in bed... as you'd expect... strange that that behaviour of mine, that had bothered me but that i thought she hadn't noticed, had been at the root of a longrunning problem for us...

also i think that lack of pleasure flowing from me to her has been part of my problem getting/staying erect, now that we're recalibrated and i feel easier about touching her my erection problem seems to have vanished (only to return i don't doubt)...

and then the erotic thought... this with my friend nippy, a gay woman who i've never fancied but who i can talk about sex to... she's moving into the flat of an old school friend of hers... we went to see the flat last week and i found the old friend really horny... beautiful breasts... (she has a 9 month old)...

anyway she phoned up while me and nippy were rehearsing and once nippy put the phone down i told her that i fancied the friend, not that i intend to do anything about it, she & i are both in relationships, just acknowledging it...

it's just a thought - i said -

i like that thought - nippy said -

we started playing (music) again and we made mistakes - both of us in the grip of that thought...

x

but never sexually dishonest

2006-06-14T03:53:00.000+01:00

so hey... the name changed...

maybe i should change the look too...

i've got a little while before the 2nd birthday,

sorry i've been so neglectful of this blog, my about pretty much says it, i'm in a relationship and maybe it feels a little dishonest to my girl occupying this place... that's not quite it but it's near...

i used to read whore blogs but i've fallen out of that habit, meaning no disrespect to the bea uti ful & intelligent women i used to read, nor to whomever reads them still,

but you know how it goes, one minute you're reading everything she writes, throwing a queenie strop when she takes you off her blogroll...

the next minute you haven't read her for awhile and it's starting to mount up, what you'd have to read to be as completely up-to-date as you once were, you're in a relationship and somehow that's mixed in with it..

and i love how once it's popped into your mind you may well pick up that habit again... check out how i rename this blog and suddenly i've loads to say...

so to the meat...

this belongs entirely within the paranoia about being cheating on section which is in a small part fuelled by a petty desire to tell her that i knew... in that possible future in which she actually was cheating on me and i kicked her to the curb...

so i began a song in my mind tonight entitled who did you put that sparkly dress on for?... it's a blues, or at least it sure the fuck follows the blues tradition, the battle of the sexes, the fear of being cheated on fueling mysoginy, or something like mysoginy, (whic i don't know how to spell)...

mysoginy being an interesting place for me, loving women as i do, i hope i could never occupy that place but the blues sure tastes of it, and in some way the blues carries out a necessary function in our human world because of that,

it's a male dominated world yes, but women sing the blues too and sometimes we all need to hate the oposite sex for a little while...

i was putting her to bed tonight, kissing her, holding her, letting her know that i love her even as i choose to sleep separately from her... and i was looking at the pink venus demilo by her bed that i'd woken up to a week ago and had acted in my dreams and i realised that a part of me was preparing to mourn our relationship...

i so fucking hope that this preparation is so much smoke that is blown away... not needed...

she came home last night, which was the 1st time in... weeks that i slept without her, and she was beautiful towards me... sucked me to the best orgasm i'd had for quite some time, brought me food because i was hungry, having run out of money the day before and starved myself working for almost 12 hours...

stroked my weary head...

because we'd talked the night before about us, about the forbidden subject of what dark thing hovers over her that she won't share with me...

and i'd told her that this not knowing fuels my paranoia...

so she was treating me beautifully because she was sorry and some part of me believes that she has something else to be sorry about...

i sure the fuck hope that part of me is wrong...

and i guess i'm interested in what i would do if i found out she was cheating on me...

kick her to the curb is what my ego says...

it seems dangerous to even think about it, and i don't want that possible future to be encouraged by the mental energy that i'm giving it, but you know this whole paranoia about being cheating on section could just be so much seatbelt material before i push down on the accelerator...

the perfect subject for this blog because i don't want anyone in my physical life to read this, but i need to say it...

x

sleepless

2006-06-12T04:33:00.000+01:00

had a beautiful sunday with my girl...

ate really well at lunch time (our breakfast), then took a blanket, some grass and a bottle of prosecco wine to waterlow park,

chilled out there for a few hours, came home, after a small while we went out again to the pictures, to see a british film called "confetti" which was better by the end than it had seemed about a 3rd of the way through, full of really great TV commedians, not all of whom were as great on the big screen...

then home via crystal... more food,

found out that i've run out of money, never a good moment, i'm over the initial shock now but it wasn't nice...

and then when we went to bed, we didn't have sex, i've wanked over here on the internet, don't know what's going on still, not dissimilar to my last post in that respect, still something she's not telling me,

and still moments when i'm not hard... i acknowledged it tonight and she laughed at me...

i always used to love it that i only had to kiss my lover and i would get hard... that's not where i'm at now...

so here i am, long having neglected this blog, finding myself gazing at an oriental woman sucking cock and coming here sat on the edge of my bed instead of coming over there deep inside her bed and inside her...

i think we'll be alright, i hope we can weather this... famous last words...

(please excuse spelling, not so bright sometimes)

x

a dark place

2006-05-14T15:07:00.000+01:00

something is upsetting my girl...

she won't tell me what it is... it makes her want to be alone, partly through a desire that i don't see her like that...

i'm a caring man and i hold her and love her through this, even as i feel i perhaps should be leaving her alone...

she cries... she's the kind of person who doesn't cry very often, holds it in, but when she cries she really cries...

i have on occassion been violent in my sleep, she thinks it's because i have unresolved angry things going on that come out there because there's nowhere else they can come out...

when it happens she wakes up crying and takes a long time to calm down... i hold her for ten - fifteen minutes as she cries...

i think it's a similar thing, the tears that she suppresses in her waking life come out at those times and it's like a flood when it goes above the levee...

so i've asked her to tell me what's going on...

one time recently i told her i was scared she'd met someone else... and this just made her cry all the more...

my ex girlfriend P is almost around at the moment because she was going to cut my hair, although i doubt that's going to happen now, my girl now gets jealous of P and it freaks her out and i wondered if this was part or all of what is upsetting her, but she says it's something else...

we were just in a cafe and careless whisper came on... guilty feet ain't got no rhythm... she looks a little bothered by this song, or so i think...

and here we are, at the crux of it,

i have a dark place within me that thinks she's fucked/kissed/sucked another man and that this is what is upsetting her, the guilt of it...

and if that were true, i could read it into all kinds of pieces of her behaviour...

but i don't know... i don't even think it's likely at this point... but of course this comes and goes... in the cafe, and walking her to the busstop i was already confronting the man in my mind...

i don't know what i would do if it were true, i really want her to tell me...

i write it here so i don't have to carry it around... (i hope i don't)

x

pornographic thoughts

2006-05-03T15:38:00.000+01:00

oh long neglected blog...

what can i say?

being in a relationship...

so three things...

firstly a strange shift in my relationship with my girlfriend... for a little while a week or so ago i was having trouble getting an erection, not always, but sometimes...

a complicated business, not helped by a desire to please her and therefore more internal pressure to get hard which just gets in the way,

anyway, even though she's on the pill she told me that she's pregnant, and she's going to have an abortion, but that this has signalled a change in her attitude to having children, she has previously been dead against having kids, something which has been at odds with my desire to procreate,

my attitude has been that she's young (24) and that with time she may come round to the idea...

well the thought of this potential life that we're going to cut short has made her realise that she's moved a little in relation to having children, she can imagine it now...

and this seems to have largely cleared my erection troubles... strange world my head is...

2nd thing, at a readthrough of a play i'm doing music for this morning and internet porn is mentioned... my girlfriend is at work and won't be back now until 11 tonight... i get home and just that mention is enough to fire up this computer and seek out some pornography, a quick stroke and orgasm... porn itself probably not a good thing in the fight to keep my cock hard for my girl but there it is, and it's such a rare thing nowadays... hence why i bring it up...

and finally G gets back from america today and tells me a story about him & T in this house, she invites him to her room (before he went away) and asks him to blindfold her and touch her... this is such an erotic image for me... a few days later they have sex all night... then he goes away for a couple of weeks, now that he's back she's away for a month, when she gets back he'll be away for a month...

i think it's partly because i wanked only an hour or so before this conversation and that erotic, forbidden part of my brain is working already... but also because of a fantasy i had just before me & my girl got together that me, G & T would all fuck...

now they're at it... rich erotic fantasies if i choose to go there...

but as to whether i will choose to, fidelity to my girl in my mind...

an interesting thing actually, and part of the problem with my attitude to fucking her had been that sometimes i would think about other women, or pornographic thoughts in general while fucking her, in order to come... coming has often been hard for me, not only with my current beautiful woman... so i'd be fucking her hard, but in my mind i'd be away from her...

this is why in general i think porn is damaging to my sex... i think i've been able to move things in my mind and now when i fuck her i'm more truly there, fucking this beautiful woman... but it concerns me... maybe it's a scared reaction to being in a long term relationship...

ok... one more thing... the fourth of you will...

me & my girl went out a few weeks ago to a swanky restaurant in town, very expensive, very nice indeed... me in my suit, her in a fantastic dress...

i came back from the loo at one point and i said to her that the toilets are so great i think we should have sex in them... well the ladies and the gents are very close together and i'm not wearing any knickers so... was her reply...

no trouble with my erection that day as we stole into a cubicle in the ladies and she sucked me before bending over the toilet while i fucked her hard from behind...

x

bleak for a moment

2006-04-19T01:54:00.000+01:00

came back from a night away from my girlfrind and just now i feel paranoid that something's happened while i've been away...

foolish, but there you go...

x

jealousy

2006-04-03T22:31:00.000+01:00

she has it bad...

it seems her ex treated her bad & cheated on her, leaving some dirty water in the way she expects men to behave...

and when me & her were just beginning, neither of us admitting to taking it seriously, i was flirting with someone else who i met on the internet, a poet...

once me & my now girlfriend started getting more serious i stopped seeing the pote, nothing had actually happened anyway, not even a real kiss...

anyway, my G has always had an understandable dislike of the poet... and she met her about a week ago, my sister was going to see the poet perform and she asked me to come, G making it right near the end...

when we got home G was in a bad space, upset, related to jealousy, so i treated her nicely, left her some space but supported her, held her, let her know that it was alright to feel like that, she shouldn't be ashamed of it...

so now she gets a message from some myspace person who invites her to a gig near us, which we go to, and in the course of the night she tells me that although she didn't really dig the music of that band she enjoyed looking at them... eye candy with guitars...

now i don't really like this... i also have a problem with jealousy... the trouble is that she thinks i have no reason to be jealous because of the situations i put her in... or rather, that i somehow deserve it... so while she get's jealous and upset i comfort her, but when i get jealous and upset she doesn't even begin to comfort me...

this jealousy thing bit me last night and i'm still under it's spell, bitter fantasies as i cycle to work, extended into fantasies where i leave her because she's had an affair... horrible stuff, and i won't be seeing her tonight... she left a note for me which i read when i got in, a lovely note that i didn't want to read, i was so wrapped up in my destructive mind...

jealousy...

bullshit...

x

blanking

2006-03-25T23:14:00.000Z

things are a little bit agro in my mind these days...

something i don't really want, but someone i live with has gone completely over my acceptable behaviour threshold, i just walked passed him in the corridor and he said hey, i said nothing, i think he then said something like orgasmcurious is blanking me to his partner, spanish M, hoping by mentioning it in my presence to get me to talk i guess...?

anyway, i'm not ready... i know that the way out of this situation is to talk but i'm in no hurry to do so...

i don't want to go into the in's and out's of it here, just to say that it troubles me, to live with someone who has gone over that threshold but who makes no apology or acknowledgement of it... maybe doesn't even know... i don't want to carry around hate, the knowledge that he has treated me in a disrespectful way eats at me, is hard to ignore, but i want to live my life in love... this is my challenge...

an it coincides with me blanking this here blog... haven for my sexual and frank thoughts... it's been over a month since i last posted and this is rubbish... every now and then i will get a visitor to my other blog from here and it reminds me that this place exists... last night i got a comment from my last post here...

so here i am..

6 months ago today me & my G first kissed... under a duvet that i'd pulled across us... ah... GG... under a duvet i said to her... we'd been watching night of the living dead together...

thankfully, in contrast to my wierd agro attitude to that man i alluded to above, my relationship with G is fantastic and loving... last saturday we'd been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 months, this saturday the unofficial 6 months... like the queen having two birthdays, we have two anniversaries...

today i went out and bought her flowers, something i haven't done until now, and she reminds me that no man has ever bought her flowers... afew weeks ago i was drunk and stoned in bed with her, farting hugely & regularly, suffering because of this and because she'd bought herself flowers and i still hadn't...

i don't come everytime we have sex, we went from having protected sex to unprotected sex since the last time i posted here and i think the shift was a little tricky for me... of course, before it happened i assumed it would just be great... easy... in reality i had real trouble coming... perhaps because i was overcompensating for how much easier it is to come without the condom to slow it down...

anyway, it's settled down pretty much now and i come maybe every third fuck... this week we fucked a fair few times and i didn't come at all until yesterday and then yesterday i came twice in one day... firstly in the afternoon, a spontaneous fuck that came from nowhere... a real, pure, full orgasm as well, not the cut off kind that i get sometimes...

then in the night she sucked my cock in that determined/stubborn way of hers and she made me come again...

in fact i think i hear her coming in from work, although it would be early if it was her... she's meant to be going for drinks after work...

i want to see her face when she sees the flowers...

x

so this is my life at the moment, full on love and shady distrust... strange mix... oh and i'm writing quite a lot of music/lyrics right now too...

x

life imitates art

2006-02-18T16:58:00.000Z

the night after i'd been able to write some lyrics to the sleep tune i scared G in the night by odd, possibly violent sleep moving...

yesteray on a tube heading south i was able to move forward with the lyrics, it was the same time of day as the previous lyric writing and i was really tired (also - similar),

in the lyrics i wrote on the tube i mentioned moving around in my sleep, including a lyric about my hands being at her throat which is an exageration or guess as to what happened on tuesday night...

anyway last night i was woken up by her shouting and it seems she'd woken up to my hands at her neck...

once again i scare her in my sleep directly after writing lyrics, and the nature of the scaring is matched by the lyrics i write...

wierd...

x

sleep violence

2006-02-15T13:14:00.000Z

after i posted last night i did a little work on the lyrics then went to join my beautiful G in bed...

she was asleep, murmured sweet nothings to greet me, rolled over and put her arms around me tightly...

even asleep/half asleep my girlfriend is deeply sexy... i kissed her gently and touched her hair, her neck, her back, her arse...

she gradually moved towards me, away from sleep... my cock became harder and bigger... you know how they do...

she still wasn't fully awake as i pushed myself inside her... but she was awake then...

a beautiful fuck... we're still awaiting the results of our respective sexual health checks and so are still using condoms, just how beautiful it will be when the news comes through (assuming it's the right news)...

really lovely it was, i found her pyjama's again and she fell back to sleep fairly quickly, i took a little longer to drop off..

then around 7am (which was some 3 hours or so later) we woke up...

in my dream i think i was accidently spilling hot tea on her, in reality i may well have been dragging her by her face to my side of the bed, it's very unclear...

she has a scratch/mark on her face this morning...

my first conscious memory is her screaming sorry to me, in the way you scream sorry to someone who is abusing you...

i held her head in my arms and she cried and cried and cried...

it took a long time for her to calm down... during which i was waking up more and more, asking what had happened...

she remembers waking up to me above her, grabbing her and shouting at her...

i do dimly remember shouting...

a small possibility that it was all her dream and i woke up responding to her screaming... but then how did she get the mark on her face..?

or that it was all my dream, i really did something that shocked her awake from normal sleep...

perhaps more likely both of us were in some vivid dreaming and i did something (i do move around in my sleep) which resonated with her dream and then all hell broke loose...

we'll never know...

after i'd held her close and soothed her and she finally fell asleep again i lay there for awhile not able/willing to get back to sleep...

if it had been me being violent to her whilst i was asleep... i hate this thought... (still hate it now)... sleep became a threatening thing...

we're fine this morning, a little shaken but fine... i managed to get marmite in my hair during breakfast which was maddening and funny, i love her...

and all this on top of the lyrics i'm trying to write about sleeping with her...

as though my wierd sleep moving around wants to get in on the song, doesn't want to be left out so it rears itself in the night to remind me that it's there...

x

sleep

2006-02-15T03:07:00.000Z

starting writing some lyrics to a tune i began back in the autumn...

back then i was still in between things with my G, we'd started but we kept stopping and it didn't seem to be a good idea... i was interested in another girl, wrote a few lyrics one day for the other... although also for G, sang it in it's unfinished way at a gig at work...

anyway, things with G became a whole lot more real and now i'm back at the tune from today's perspective...

but hang on, i think it would help me to think about what it was going to mean... not concerning the other girl but G... this tune orginally came about due to a mix of some great chords and also a song i'd started writing for exparttime, all that time ago, a sad song about loving in the half light...

before i'd properly commited to G i was aware that i was under the spell of a few different women... under their influence...

even as things started to get going with G i wanted to write the song as an expression of this flux of influences...

then when things came out into the full light of day for me & her, i still wanted to trace that change, from halflight to full sunlight...

but i never did...

amd now i'm writing the song about sleep... i'm tentatively calling it the nuerotic love song... so far it's about the fact that she sleeps more soundly than me, and so when i sleep with her i get less sleep... this is a slightly dodgy leap but it's based on a kind of truth, exagerated for the song... i don't know how to make the link clearer yet...

the next step is that i'm older and therefore i need more sleep...

but i want to spend every night with her... and therefore i will gradually disappear as i get less and less sleep..

the chorus will be something balancing this, some straight ahead expression of love, although i might mention that i'm writing it as an anti-valentine, or at least that i'm writing it on valentine's day...

which will only partly be true...

so while i was writing these lyrics earlier tonight i realised that i was genuinely tired, so i took a nap, i fell asleep netween 7pm and 10pm...

so now she's gone to bed and i'm staying up a little while writing, (well... blogging) that nap coming between our sleeping patterns...

funny how art effects life...

x

ever more beautiful

2006-02-09T00:19:00.000Z

cycled over to paddington today where the sexual health clinic that i'm registered with is... not without about an hours mislaying it by looking for it at baker street...

exactly the same thing happened last time i went there...

anyway i found it at last and waited, at first in the company of some very irritating teenage girls, then in the men's bit... all because me & my lovely girlfriend are heading for sex without condoms..

she's already started taking the pills, just the checking for both of us and we're there...

as i told her last night, the very beautiful relationship we already have, to move to unprotected sex...

could be just too beautiful...

so they found some small evidence of NSU... gave me some antibiotics and told me not to have sex for a week...

which, now i think about it, happened last time as well, last time i ignored it because the very notion of not having sex...

not sure what to do this time, the results will take a couple of weeks anyway...

not quite the imediate thing i was hoping for...

haven't yet seen her since it happened, i've heard her come into the house, i've just been stuck at this computer downloading tunes from soulseek and playing chess...

hmmmm

maybe a little waiting before we usher in a new world..

x

aura reincarnated

2006-01-22T20:45:00.000Z

watched flash gordon last night with G, ridiculous film, some great images, some terrible moments, some huge overacting...

we concocted this notion that after the film was made in 1980 the spirit of aura, the very sexual, predatory daughter of the emperor, floated around for a little while before being reincarnated as my G, born in 1981...

she is definately the foxiest thing about the film, way more sexy than dale arden...

aura is seen here being whipped, a potent scene that we both remembered from when we'd first seen the film...

the mischievous aura fits well with G and she gives us a little role playing option should we choose to go there...

i've just left G downstairs where we got all turned on just now, fully clothed, i'm meant to be working and she's banished me up here for now... funny how my erect cck can seem so hard and yet be clearly so much harder given a little more erotic suggestion and holding... can't wait to fuck her...

sex is good between us...

i'm very lucky, we're in a good place...

x

dead PC so longtime no post

2006-01-14T22:28:00.000Z

i've been without my PC for one week and i don't post from the communal PC downstairs to this blog because it lives in a place where people walk by fairly frequently...

really don't want anyone from this house reading this blog...

anyway, me & G are happy, it seems my erection problems have disappeared as my doubts about the relationship have disappeared... she makes me happy and i make her happy, it's like moving from a half-lit pre-dawn into the full light of the sun...

very different emotional worlds...

a few times now we've not had sex for some reason but have got really turned on...

subject to the vibrations of lust that the earth contains... i really like it, just hanging out one minute and then being totally taken over by lust like it's cocaine or ecstacy, such a powerful drug, then to drift back to just hanging, as though we're on a beach and the wave of lust rolls in, consumes us, then rolls out again before it's consummated...

x

damn sexy trust

2006-01-03T18:58:00.000Z

on new years eve my girlfriend G arrived at the party wearing an amazing dress that she made herself out of duchesse satin... she was without doubt the sexiest woman there...

i was in my paul smith suit, looking good...

every time we stole away somewhere for a kiss the top popper at the back of her dress would pop open in an erotic way... just as she was sighing into my arms...

just before she DJ'd she went out and changed into another killer dress, this one pink... the popper on the other was getting too eager to open... so she came into the room to DJ to another rapturous welcome... (she'd had a round of applause on her first entrance)...

once she'd DJ'd to her hearts content i took her into my arms on the dance floor and we grooved a little, not too comfortable expressing my erotic intentions through dance but we were ok, a few other men danced with her better than me, if it was all about dancing she wouldn't be mine... but she is mine...

after awhile we stole away into the kitchen and kissed for a long moment...

it was the first time we'd been this open about being together in public, we got an ooooh from irish G & A, and spanish M chastised us and dragged us back to the dance floor...

this was about 4 am... K was DJing and he put on some drum & bass which got us going... we were heading off the dance floor for her room a few jumping tunes later and he put on billie jean which made us stay for that one more....

but then we departed, up to her room and we fucked in a joyful, joyful way...

she was glamour itself and stripped down to just the dress, pulled up above her waist, and a beautiful sparkling bracelet she was absolutely the sexiest woman on the planet in that moment...

a couple of hours later we finally fell asleep... very happy... somewhat tired...

the next day she told me another little story which i was strangely not that disturbed by... i found out later that K, the protagonist in this little story had been on marching powder by this time at the party:

it was as G was finishing her set and asking K to take over, he fumbled for his words a bit before telling her that he fancied her and that he found her really sexy... G said something about getting out of the booth before both spanish M & me had words to say to him... i arrived in the room moments later...

K is currently with spanish M, our two couples constitute over half of the population of this house... he knows about me & G...

the truth is that she was truly sexy that night (and every night let me tell you, but especially so then) and he was on marching powder, which has a habit of unmasking desires i've found... you see someone who you desire and you automatically make moves to make it happen...

so i understand... i don't dig it, it's disrespectful of both me & spanish M, but i understand... i guess i also like that i know... in the complicated shifting relationship i have with K it's good to know he'd do that at a moments notice (given the right setting)...

on new years day me & G went out to the pictures, we saw march of the penguins which was perfect for us on that night... we were talking about what had happened with K and G mentioned that of course i fancied spanish M... something i squirmed a little with but admitted to... whilst telling her that i belonged to her... because even though i have fancied spanish M and still do i guess i have no intention of doing anything about it...

and i think that's also why i'm not that bothered about K... me & G are in a really good place right now and it doesn't matter what anyone else does or wants to do... i trust her and i hope she trusts me...

x

missing

2005-12-31T14:10:00.000Z

came back from the countryside yesterday & arranged to meet G on her way to work...

many kisses on public transport...

then when she came home last night we retreated to my room after a little socialising with the house at large...

a huge, un-deniable need to fuck her... no problem getting hard... staying hard...

it was beautiful, long...

the pure sweetness of holding her in my arms, either sleeping, awake, fucking or not,

so - in relation to my troubled erection issues of a week ago - all doubts gone, fucked long & hard and came... then not so long afterwards she coaxed it back into shape again and we fucked more & more...

as if it would be any other way though, not seeing her for just under a week... that's going to do it...

oh & i've started getting mysterious spam comments, it happened awhile ago but i turned on comment validation or whatever it's called and it stopped,

but roughly once a week for the past three weeks i've had more-or-less random, short comments, on posts from october 2004... you know you get an email when someone leaves a comment, but it doesn't say which post the comment is from, scrolling through old blogness finding it...

also each time it's happened my sitemeter hasn't register anyone being here...

first this post, then this one just before it and when i got home after my week away this just before that...

anyway, i'll email blogger i guess at some point, just a curiousity for now...

x

beauty and troubles

2005-12-24T15:52:00.000Z

going home to my mum & dad's in about 15 minutes, already had a glass of wine with M in the cafe... a little glowing therefore...

me & G have spent every night together for the last week and it's possible that my cock is responding badly to that...

maybe i'm not as young as i once was, or maybe my doubts about G (rarely surfacing these days) have a price they exact from me but i don't get hard so easily these days...

i struggle to keep it from G but it's daft because how can you not notice that your lovers cock is really hard & big one day, and a little less hard, a little less big the next...

like i say maybe fucking every single night is not a good idea... or maybe i need to work out something in my own head about it...

last night as a goodbye we had a bath together for the first time... she let me go down on her also for the first time, she says she has trust issues with that...

then after we tried and failed to fuck in the bath (lubrication issues) we went back to her room and loved until we fell asleep in a heap...

it's like i can still fuck her good and hard and long, longer even, i can still give her what she needs, but i'm in an odd space with it..

i'll be back here on friday and i won't be posting until then, but then i appear to be about that slack anyway with this blog these days...

x

second coming

2005-12-18T00:40:00.000Z

odd to have been fucking her for a couple of months and for last nights orgasm to be only her second orgasm in all that time... but when she comes she is truly gorgeous... she's really beautiful anyway but when she comes...

our first night apart for a few and she was just saying good night when i started kissing her passionately... almost biting at times, she responded in equal measure... she was lying on top of me and i pushed upright and down again, pinning her arms above her head...

the hard end of kissing...

i told her i wanted to take her clothes off, half expecting her to say no... bed & sleep time... but she was just as eager as me and we stripped...

after which she bent down and sucked my cock in that fabulous way she has... i reach over her perfect arse and fingered her cunt for a little while... wet...

so i pushed her onto her back once more and pushed my cock slowly but surely into her cunt... as deeply as i could... reaching behind her for the condom... remaining motionless inside her while she grinded a little against me... both of us in a heightened state of sensation and arousal... just the slightest movement of my cock in her sending us both gasping...

pulling out i put the condom on, slightly foolish we're becoming, accidents can happen even with just that amount of unprotected sex... anyway, fully enveloped in rubber i pushed it back in... the same deep, deep, largely motionless penetration...

then almost all the way out and short, slow strokes, pushing only just inside her, but deeper with each one, building up until i'm fucking her as deep as before but now vigorously...

i don't know how long we fucked...

just heaven, some of the time with her on her front, doggy style, she touching herself...

but beginning and ending with her lying on her back, our arms around each other, her hand between her legs, getting crushed by my body as i fucked her... kissing all the time...

falling deeper in love with her, i'll be calling her my girlfriend before too long...

x

full moon poetry

2005-12-15T23:51:00.000Z

i've been working on a film over the past few weeks... shot back in october, finished the editing last night... burned it onto a DVD and me & G watched it together, not a word spoken between us...

it's a collection of tiny video clips of the trees in a park near our place... no narrative...

30 minutes long and i was nervous that she wouldn't like it, but she told me that she did, said it reminded her of something poetic she'd read that day... a certain magic was in the air from our focussed attention on the film...

the full moon was shining down through the window (our tv room is at the top of the house, the window is in the roof), we kissed in a beautiful way... i became very aroused and told her just how much i wanted to fuck her... we'd both gone out and bought condoms but neither of us had any on us...

we just kissed and writhed for awhile and then i mentioned something we'd briefly spoken of before... feeling how it would be without a condom...

just pushing my cock into her cunt, not fucking...

foolish stuff, the very notion that i could have my cock so intimately close and inside her and not fuck her...

anyway we initiated it... she took off her trousers... i mine... ever so slowly i penetrated her... just a little caressing of her clitoris first... such a beautiful thing... kissing and writhing all the while... heaven... poetry...

it was too much of course so we had to stop it... several times... we parted company at last and went to our separate rooms... she got changed, smoked a little, i trimmed my beard and got ready for bed...

she came in to my room a little later and we got into bed like a married couple... all organised... not this mad wrestling and then fucking like we've been doing recently (more on that in another post), softly into bed... arms around each other...

kissing, arousal...

fucking, with a condom, slow again at first but no restraint needed this time... not a marathon by any means but a beautiful fuck... our mad fucking over recent nights have been without coming for me... a glorious orgasm this time...

fell asleep in each others arms... woke up this morning to go to work, she lovely and asleep, reaching out for me, holding on to me... she hates me leaving her in bed...

blissful

x

orgasms

2005-12-07T20:39:00.000Z

it's been over a week since i posted and for that i apologise, slack of me...

me and G are going strong, i've announced her on my normal blog as my squeeze, a name suggested by filmo, who coincidentaly has moved back into this area...

on monday night we watched the last of the first series of lost which i'd downloaded using bittorrent, me & her have always been associated with watching TV, from the very beginning when we got it on while watching the dead movies...

we were lying on my bed watching lost and i felt the need to take off her trousers/tights/knickers and push my cock into her cunt from behind... this i did as we continued watching the episode...

we desisted after awhile and watched the finale... cliffhanger... then after it had finished we got intimate again, this time with her sucking me...

which she has got damned good at... to cut a long story short she made me come in her mouth... only one other time that's happened with her, and only two times with anyone else...

once i'd recovered my erection i was caressing her cunt and her clitoris, i put on a condom and started fucking her while she reached down and touched herself... we fucked like this for a good long while and for the first time since we've been sleeping together she came, in a huge fashion...

the first time she's ever come like that with someone other than herself...

so on the same night we both got to a place that we rarely get to...

nice

x

erectile dysfunction exparttime

2005-11-26T21:50:00.000Z

exparttime first... she'd texted me earlier on this week with:

have i fallen off your favourites list?

she's been quite active ringing me up recently and i've been a bit slack ringing her back, i felt like replying that this was quite a good description of how i felt but i didn't...

on thursday night i went over to bo's for dinner, i was looking forward to seeing her on her own but she invited filmo and exparttime as well, it was nice enough, me & filmo are fine again since i saw him at bo's party a few weeks back and told him how angry i was at his blog whistle blowing, i'm rarely that fussed about seeing exparttime these days...

anyway early on in the night she was describing some internet dating thing she's doing to bo, they were sat either side of me, filmo opposite, i started telling him about G... two conversations at right angles to each other, one of which was a signal to me that she's single, the other a signal to her that i'm not...

i came back to here that night and collapsed into G's bed, almost and hour cycling across london in the cold, we fucked long & hard that night... i slept in her bed for the first time...

we awoke yesterday morning in a delicious haze... holding and kissing and caressing... as ever she didn't want me to go to work... i came home after work and we fucked once more before she had to go to work... i came magnificently, the three fucks before that no coming from me... some adjustment going on inside me i guess...

then once she was home last night we watched another episode of lost and we started getting it on again but i wasn't in the right place for it... had trouble getting erect... after awhile i got hard and i fucked her mouth for awhile, came closer to coming than i have for some time like that but no cigar... told her i wanted to fuck her but she needed to go to the loo and by the time she came back my erection had gone and there was no getting it back...

strange... not something i've had before... i noticed about a month back that sometimes i didn't want her, and i wanted to hide this from her, this just another side to that, although it might not be about her, might be just my thing, fucking every night, building up to an orgasm that comes on the fourth night, then later on trying to fuck again...

need to be more honest with her when i'm not in the right place, not try and force it, listen to my own body a little more...

interesting and a little unsettling...

x

on & off just like us

2005-11-22T21:49:00.000Z

last night me & G watched an episode of lost from the comfort of my bed and then...

she is already really good at sucking my cock but she is getting better & better... brings me within spitting distance of coming... just heavenly... i'd instructed her to kneel down on a cushion by the bed... she got me into a beautiful state with her tongue and i told her to stand up, and bend over...

i moved to a position behind her and i started fucking her... her cunt... her fingers moved up to her clitoris and we remained locked like this for quite some time... the heater in my room turning off & on with every move she made... it's safety feature turns it off when it's moved...

it also shines a glow onto whatevers in front of it... the glow then not the glow, heat then no heat, lent the proceedings a slightly hallucinatory feel...

i pushed her onto the bed on her back and i fucked her again all the way to my heavenly orgasm... beautiful fucking...

then we slept together, soundly... a blessing in itself...

x

coming after the third fuck

2005-11-20T23:45:00.000Z

i think it was because i wrote that i was sad in reference to something beautiful ending in my regular blog and she read it... on friday night i was just taking out my contact lens and i heard her so i called her name and she came into my room... gave me a hug, told me she was sad, kissed me, illegally... kissed me some more, lay down with me on my bed...

i'd come already through wanking that night... i was really tired, she put her arms around me from the other side of the duvet... she got me a glass of water... she turned out my light...

looked after me... then retreated to her own room...

very sweet...

then yesterday she lent me some money (long story as to why), then went to work, she was late coming home and i phoned her, asked her to come into my room when she got in, (around 2am), which she did, got into bed with me, a little drunk, sucked me and then fucked me furiously, she said she wanted to make me come...

i stopped her, took the lead for awhile, it was one of those long fucks where my coming was a long way off, and in fact it didn't come...

we fell asleep together, really slept as well for the first time... then this morning we fucked again, not so long, again no coming from me... (or indeed from her as it goes, still no orgasm 6 - 7 weeks into our affair - very odd - i told her i want to have a bath with her... we'll see what it takes)...

then we parted, each doing our own thing, coming back together for lost in the early evening, an hour to spare so we made love once more, this time i came in a lovely way...

so it's on again... no idea where it's headed but the fact that we slept through the night together is encouraging...

x

full moon

2005-11-17T20:23:00.000Z

just a closing note about the G thing...

i saw josiah yesterday, took the train down and saw her and grace for the day, coming back up for a rehearsal and then the eventual finishing of me & G in the early hours...

also last night a full moon shone down on us, or would have done had we been in a slightly different part of the TV room...

josiah was there at the very start of me & G also, on sunday, september the 25th...

might resurrect that tune i began a month or so back, the one i performed at the open mic... take advantage of this coherent sadness i feel about G... getting lazy about linking to my own posts... better stop blogging... warm up my feet..

x

sad

2005-11-17T01:28:00.000Z

this morning we woke up together (spelling all over the place) and i wanted to go to brighton with not much time and she wanted to keep me in bed...

tonight after my brighton day and a rehearsal tonight, not to mention her big day of work... we watched TV with K & A, funny telly, but K & A left the room before it finished... whereupon me & G started kissing...

my finger saught out her ass... her mouth my cock... she sucked and she sucked... beautifully... this after last nights fucking, long and hard, no coming for me, we came a shade closer to her orgasm... no cigar... the erotic behaviour this morning... i wanted to come... she turned her face away at first as i started to wank but opened her mouth wide to receive my sperm...

and when i did come it was that lovely sensation of her mouth around me..

but i didn't see the dark look in her eyes... she was dressed beautifully... i held her after... me with my trousers around my ankles, she fully dressed... just gentle holding, i started to realise the sad place she was in...

are we ever going to stop?

my words which led on to a small discussion about it, within which she said lets stop... and i apologised for going against the stopping...

an awkward moment or two... an immense gentleness that i felt toward her... i don't know what she's thinking but i feel a mixture of sadness and shittiness...

i feel like i've hurt her and that's wrong...

x

empty

2005-11-12T17:37:00.000Z

another night of loveliness last night, G slept with me in my bed... after some more erotic cock sucking in the tv room... this thing seems at least partly led by my need... a small deppression... a black mood here and there...

i've had some emotional nonsense going on that is just about washing out of me now...

we've got a party in this house tonight and i just don't feel up to it, or indeed up for it...

earlier on today i was simply upset... i'm not upset any more but i am empty...

i often don't look forward to parties... but i normally have some power i can rely on to get me through and in fact get me into the right place emotionally, that is what i'm lacking now... or maybe not you know?

maybe i've got that power just the same...

so at the minute i'm stuck on a knife edge, staying or going...

i could go down south to see my sister, she's cooking a dahl tonight and has invited me to stay... if i need to...

x

dark cloud after erotic night

2005-11-10T21:59:00.000Z

i was watching the bourne indentity with A, temporary resident of this house, and G walked in just as A was going to the loo, me and G held each other for some time.. after the film A went off to get a cup of tea and very quickly we were kissing... which got more and more erotic until A returned and then we watched lost, i kept hoping A would leave us alone again but he remained in the room for ages...

near the end of my patience i rested my head on G's stomach... slightly gooseberried A... he got the message and left us to it...

i reached as far as i could over G's perfect ass and found her wet cunt, just managing to push the end of my finger in... we remained like this, kissing and me caressing her a little for awhile...

shifting positions she started stroking my erect cock through my jeans and she gave me better access to her cunt... but i wanted a whole nother level of nakedness and erotic behaviour and i begged her to suck me.. she stood up and shut the door properly, i didn't even know it was slightly open...

i pulled off my clothes enough for her to start sucking me... she was bending over me and pushing her ass back, i pulled her trousers down over her ass and started caressing her again... pushing my fingers into her cunt, asking her if she ever fantasised about being fucked while sucking a man... telling her i would love to fuck her with a dildo while she sucked me... really fucking her with my fingers now i told her i'd love to see her being fucked by another man while she sucked me...

my fingers sought out her anus and i toyed with her a little... testing whether she wanted that... the way she moved made me know for sure that she did indeed want it and i pushed my finger inside her ass..

fucked her for awhile with my finger... she writhing about but still sucking me so beautifully...

it really seemed to me that i was going to come in her mouth, something that happens very rarely for me... but it didn't happen, in the end i asked her if i could wank over her face... she rested her head on my stomach and i touched myself to coming... she opening her mouth wide and enclosed me with her lips... such heaven...

it felt so right... i found myself telling her that maybe i should keep her... in a box? no, keep you as my girlfriend... you don't want me as your girlfriend, stupid, well, we already know that i'm stupid...

after this she didn't stop kissing me...

i crawled into my bed a little later and slept... alone...

woke up today after not enough sleep and just had a dark cloud over me...

cycled to work full of bitter fantasies... got to work and taught hard stuff all day really alright in myself but when i got in the house tonight i was right back in a dark place, two of my flatmates who it seems are together now (just as me & G are kind of together) irritated the fuck out of me... i stayed in my room and watched firefly, the scifi series which i'm almost all the way through now... cheered me up no end...

i'm curious if there's a relationship between the dark cloud and the love last night, or if it's just this week of working hard... or indeed something else...

x

in between

2005-11-06T21:59:00.000Z

partied over at P's after the bonfire on victoria park... the houses of parliament burned down for our pleasure, then great fireworks, then met up with her...

she being the internet woman who i've met a couple of times already... really nice, bubbly, young, maybe a little too young? although older than G by a year...

we almost kissed as i left, a certain lingering in the corridor... she quite drunk, me less so, i'm going to ask her to the party in this house in a week, which she might well not be able to make, busy girl as she is, but if she does make it it will be interesting and potentially awkward with G... who'll be in full rockstar mode...

this last week, me & G have been skirting around each other again, i have really wanted her... a desire to be holding her and fucking her... as my last post said we fucked this time last weekend, we fucked again on... thursday? i think... beautiful fucking... the last time as we have often said... i'm fairly sure she's been reading my other blog somewhat deeply, although she says she's only read it a little, which would mean someone else in this house has been reading it... but i think it's G,

kind of glad that me & P didn't actually kiss, still would like to have some time in between my love affairs, even if only a week...

x

bleak & rosy

2005-10-31T02:29:00.000Z

writing this with 6 hours or so of sleep ahead of me before i get up for work... just having fucked G long & hard...

i wanted to relate a feeling from the party i went to last night...

exparttime there and for awhile now she who often has marching powder, and who is quite liberal with it to her friends has pointedly not offered me any...

from a time when she always would, and for a few years my experience of parties within that circle of friends was often with the focus of marching powder and shared experience... something happened a few months back and she never offers it to me any more.. once was favoured...

but she still offers it to my friends, so i become further and further from my friends, as they get off it and i don't...

this was the case last night, the birthday celebration of a couple of friends, both within this circle... as the night wore on and as i became more and more weary i felt pretty bleak at this continuing slight upon me... no matter what her intention i have an amazing ability to experience slights against me, particularly with her, and she is the one person who consistently slights me...

i was thinking about it today, undoubtedly better off without the drugs last night. feeling a whole lot better than i would have been, it's as though the bleakness that i always get coming down off marching powder was transplanted forward and i got it then instead, still attached to the experience as i am, just got to get to the point when i don't feel bleak at all...

but i'm now so far away from bleak, with the lovely and good fuck that me & G just shared... amazing the rosy glow we have now...

still skating too close to the fire, once more as we lay entwined in each others arms we reminded ourselves that we were stopping, this the first time we've gone that far since a week or two...

damn nice...

the last time we fucked i was aware that it wasn't the greatest of performances on my part... not that i think in those terms except when i feel i've shortchanged her... so although i didn't think in those terms tonight, the contrast is there, if we really are stopping then it was a great fuck to go out on...

x

colouring my day

2005-10-26T18:06:00.000+01:00

saw P today, (ex-girlfriend P not possible new love interest P), & as i thought last week when she and a man missed my class in the evening, they got together... the jealousy i felt that night confirmed and her telling me about it today colouring my day a little...

still need to write the lyrics to that tune i did at the open mic last week (they were both there - she got really drunk and he turned up after i'd played) about being in the space between relationships and doing stuff... the danger of this, the influence P still has over me not something i was going to include but it's there and it's related...

and G caressed me very sweetly last night as i was sat @ the computer in the basement, i'd come gloriously masturbating to an online story earlier which helped me resist her charms... we kissed, we were sexual, but only in a clothes on kind of way and i gently stopped it...

added to which spanish M is now making possible firtatious advances to me... i wanted her before i even thought of G (before G moved in in fact) and should the matter come up it will be a real test for me... in one universe i wouldn't succumb to spanish M because it would hurt G... all living in the same house as we do...

i still dream of spanish M though, just dreams in which i wake up and she's a few feet away from me... i reach out and then i really wake up and she's not there...

also all those high healed shoe erect cock fantasies i had about her...

oh and one more sexually related item, goddess heather has an online video store where you can buy 6 minute clips of her videos for $8... an attractive offer to me... there's one where she's fucking a lovely buxom woman with a strapon and i may well be getting my credit card out of my pocket and my cock out my jeans in the near future...

x

goddess

2005-10-25T19:31:00.000+01:00

so although she's emailed me back now and we're meeting up for a drink on friday night, before she had yet replied, and while still in my nervous state...

i kissed G again,

foolish, i apologised to her after for putting her in the position of the one who says no... (albeit after a little indulgence) and we're cool, last night she was wearing some damn sexy clothes and i think she enjoys that i find her sexy still - even though we're not going there...

this suits me,

i am of course going out with the internet girl on friday and though it's still early days it's not out of the question that we could get a little closer...

but actually the story i wish to tell here is about internet pornography, after the almost sexual moment with G on sunday night i was really horny and turned to the net to find me some visual stimulation and i came across goddess heather... a muscle bound dominatrix character who i realise i have quite a thing for...

not something i would have thought i'd go for but there you go, my erect cock begs to differ... the tiny samples of video she has on her site proved quite kinky enough to get me where i wanted to get to, and i'm considering signing up...

x

nerves

2005-10-22T23:52:00.000+01:00

met someone who i met online... and at one point our knees were touching under the cafe table... an awareness of this gave a certain energy and in a flash i realised that this was a possible precursor of the sexual energy we might one day share...

so my mind is now racing ahead, even as i'm telling myself to be slow... put some time in between this and the thing with G, who i told about it and who was really calm in hearing it... either she's really cool, or she doesn't want to show any uncoolness... fair enough, i feel a little like a rat but only a little,

her name is P, we've emailed back and forth a little and in my last email i casually invited her over to here, to see something i video'd for her... it was only just over 24 hours ago that i sent it and i'm nervously waiting for a response... i'm going over to within spitting distance of her house tomorrow and i could email her and let her know i'm in the area but i don't want to be too busy emailing...

you know that nervous energy that comes at the beginnings of things...

and of course i could be getting excited over nothing... maybe we won't become lovers... but maybe we will...

being in your 30's and meeting people... worse than a teenager... she's younger than me, in fact she's younger (by 2 months) than my little sister which is slightly eyebrow raising for me, my sister is the one who e-introduced us...

in other news i'm also nervous about installing a new DVD writer,

nerves, nerves, nerves...

x

lyrics

2005-10-19T01:45:00.000+01:00

an open mic i want to sing at on wednesday night and i want to sing this song i'm working on, i have almost nothing lyrically, just 2 lines that i wrote back when i was hurting because of exparttime:

to have loved in this halflight,
to sing your praises here where there's no air to breathe...

the situation with G having a resonance with exparttime, although inverted, worrying that i'm hurting G therefore (in the same way that exparttime hurt me), while at the same time wanting to be free of old patterns of behaviour,

i just played through the chords on my keyboard downstairs and then walked up to my room in the dark hallway, halflit... started seeing the halflight as a positive thing... what did i say back then when i wrote that line? oh well can't find it...

G brought me a miniroll tonight... the girl treats me well...

x

jealousy

2005-10-17T22:18:00.000+01:00

woke up today dreaming that P was lying next to me...

echoed that dream last week that the warm body lying next to me was P (actually it was G), and today she missed my class tonight and before the lesson i saw her walking with another student and when they both didn't show for the lesson i realised that i was jealous...

i'm a bit pissed and it's good to realise that this is what i feel, so i can get over it and not have it linger around just beneath the surface,

ok, toast...

then tomorrow is another day...

x

exparttime & porn

2005-10-17T00:56:00.000+01:00

saw exparttime today, we met for tea and then some alcohol, we haven't seen each other for some time and it was good to talk to her, although i was reminded that she & i shouldn't have ever got together, and while she got a few things off her chest i was left feeling pretty ambivalent about her...

nothing i'm going to find it easy to put into words, but a lingering dissatisfaction...

afterwards i drifted into town and bought the fernando pessoa book of poetry i've had my eye on, also did some filming down by the thames, then i decided to go buy some pornography... skipped into soho and found loaded, a DVD that i'd seen some blogger i know recomending awhile back...

just watched the first sex scene and it was ok... we'll see what the film as a whole looks like later...

teaching P tomorrow...

x

back here again

2005-10-16T00:31:00.000+01:00

it's been a little while since our router worked, so the only internet in the house has been in the basement, the communal computer, i did post once from there but i was reluctant to because i don't want anyone in this house to read this blog, nor indeed anyone from my life in general, just people from my internet life...

me & G have fallen into bed once more since that last post and i'm glad we did, i didn't want her to realise that i was starting to not feel it... better to end with an affirmative desire i think... no need for her to question herself...

so now we're not going there, in theory, i'm not sure what it will take before we stop thinking about it, and she is right here in the house so it's hard not to act on it... but that's where we're at right now...

i was just flicking through the channels on the tv and i saw a pretty woman from the 70's (french connection 2 is on bbc1) and i was reminded about porn...

ah yes, that's what i could do... go watch some internet pornography and make myself come...

strange how i hadn't really thought of it while the router was broken (which it isn't now - i fixed it today) but it sure is nice to be able to indulge that little gesture...

this thing with G also has meant my minds been less on porn i guess... anyway, welcome back to porn, here i go...

x

stupid

2005-10-12T01:49:00.000+01:00

got drunk last night with P and two other students... P was talking about how nice a drunken fuck would be on the tube home... i got home, G was here, i fell into her arms... indeed a drunken fuck was really nice...

she spent the night in my bed, i woke up at one point dreaming of P, dreaming that P was the one with her arms around me... then awoke to find G... odd, really lovely to have her there though... i love sharing my bed with someone affectionate...

then tonight we just watched part of an episode of lost together, the tape ran out so now i'm downloading the whole episode (should have done this in the first place), we spent a fair bit of time tonight in each other's arms but i'm curiously unmoved... we just kissed goodnight, she suggested sleeping in separate beds, i welcomed it... two delicious nights on the trot would be damn foolish...

but when she was kissing me i just wasn't digging it... normally as soon as we're kissing my cock gets really hard... not so tonight... not a good omen...

i said to her that we were being stupid, she said speak for yourself...

x

end to intimacy facing fuckwit

2005-10-08T18:00:00.000+01:00

last night me & G had words... after being comfortably curled up watching arachnophobia on TV i brought up what has been bothering me, this feeling of irresponsibility, worrying that she would get hurt, to which she replied that i should be feeling responsibility, as i was responsible for it, as i'd started it...

but she also said she wouldn't get hurt but it should end sooner rather than later and that turned out to be that... an end to our intimacy... which leaves me feeling a tuny bit lost... nothing terrible, just a little need...

we've gone from physical intimacy to no touching, on her initiative, which i do find hard, but is for the best, it reminds me of other times - with P most notably - when i've wanted to touch, to kiss, raised an eyebrow and been declined... to now be in that space with G... to have loved in this half-light... a song with no music behind it that i wrote in the shower back whe things were approximate between me & E - exparttime - which now comes back to me in the light of me & G... but the differences between the two situations are huge, the main similarity also a big difference, our dynamic similar to me & exparttime but with the roles reversed, G taking my part, and me taking exparttime's...

to have loved in this half-light
to sing your praises with no air to breathe...

that was the exparttime version, only the first line likely to survive into this version... anyway the tune fits perfectly with the chords i'm currently working on... so that's interesting and inspirational... i love it when these things come together naturally...

in other news i'm going to go out for a glass of wine with S & bo tonight, S who was the fuckwit who tried to blow the whistle on this delicate little place with a comment on my other blog... i haven't seen him or spoken with him since and it still annoys me... i hope i'll get to speak to him about it, although bo will be there and i don't really want to do it in front of her...

x

birthday girl

2005-10-05T14:24:00.000+01:00

ok so it's been carrying on, the thing with G, generally it starts in the TV room and then moves elsewhere, last night she turned 24, we watched sex, lies & videotape... great film, my first time...

we love james spader, we watched crash & secretary in the last few weeks before we started the erotic...

we make half-hearted gestures towards stopping it... when i wrote my post last week i was feeling guilty, i thought that she liked me more than i liked her and it was irresponsible to do what i was doing, what we were doing...

a day or two later that guilty feeling stopped, we talked about it, not properly, but we spoke, after day of the dead last week we even stopped it... but on sunday night i held her and it came right back again...

i know i've said this before but she sucks my cock really, really nicely, i told her, as we were lying in bed early on sunday night that i've always been patient and loving with my lovers, and i've rarely found someone as patient and loving in return, she said she wasn't patient, just stubborn, she'd just made me come in her mouth, only the third time that's happened in my life...

so in fact the opposite is now true, she's more loving than me, she gives more, odd to be on the other side of that, and i can see how it could reinforce itself that situation, it's a different state of mind, recieving pleasure, and the shift from recieving to giving is not one i'm used to, also this still feels temporary, this thing, somehow this allows me to be less concerned with equality of giving...

i haven't yet made her come...

sunday night when she sucked me all the way to the stubborn end i tried and i failed... stange... not used to failing at that... she says it's not important... but then she's never had one of my orgasms...

better equiped though now as i saw P on moday and she filed my fingernails... (and she cut my hair)...

she told me she's not fucking anyone, and hasn't for 2 & a half months, odd to hear that, she's such a massively sexual person, i told her about G,

i got so turned on by P talking about sex that i raised my eyebrow to her but she declined, (this raising of the eyebrow consisted of asking her to touch my erect cock), perversely good to be turned down, she's so flirtatious with me these days that i wandered if things had changed for her towards me, and they haven't,

i ended up staying at her place, not with her, we spoke about alot, including the fantasies that i'd had recently with her in them (this one and this one)... both fantasies blurring into gay fantasies... good to be able to talk to her about it - in particular it was good to tell her about the obscure desire in this one - to be proven to be less manly than another - that comes from her rejection of me back when it all collapsed...

we also watched a little bit of porn, odd to be so turned on at times but not to be together... and part of the telling of my fantasies was no doubt to turn her on... to think of me in a sexual way... strange my need to have some kind of sexual validation from her still...

all of which is kind of telling about my attitude towards G, nice though it is, i'm not planning any babies with her... and i am hoping to meet someone i can plan babies with...

i'm reading the year of the death of ricardo reis by jose saramago and i'm struck at the moment by the similarity between this thing with G and ricardo reis's relationship with L in that book... i'll make it clearer later, just wanted to write it down to remind myself...

x

the dead

2005-09-28T14:33:00.000+01:00

the british broadcasting corporation is this week giving us - the british public - all three of george romero's original dead trilogy, the third of which - day of the dead - is on BBC2 tonight just after midnight.

on sunday night josiah was here with grace, i'd had a mad day with grace's dad, drunk more pints than i had done for quite some time, grace asleep in our spare room, me & josiah went upstairs for night of the living dead, and we found G, (younger, prettier G)... so we three settled down to watch the original 60's dead film...

it's great, in it's cheap way, we laughed, josiah was asleep by the end, wrapped up in a duvet, me & G wrapped up in another duvet...

the film finished and me & G found ourselves a little more entwined than we'd realised and before too long josiah was woken by the sound of our kissing and she absented herslef from the room...

neither of us had seen it coming, i hadn't shaved, she was wearing tights...

we just kissed... a fair bit... went to our separate bedrooms before we got too far...

last night (tuesday) we settled in, just the two of us, for dawn of the dead, late 70's, shopping mall... maybe my favourite of the three... i'd seen it already so i didn't mind being distracted before it had played out, once more we kissed...

and a little more than kissed,

she didn't want to get too naked in that room and i only began to caress her clitoris, which is pierced, strange sensation that - for my fingers...

before long her hand was reaching into my jeans and...

it turns out that G gives a lovely handjob... just the right amount of attention given to that point almost at the tip of the cock... quite sent me somewhere else, gazing at the four main protagonists getting organised and killing zombies while she gave my cock some love...

i begged her to suck me... funny the places that sex gets you, how sometimes you repeat the words because you know she wants to hear them, and sometimes the words are wrung from you... that sexual energy coming up and filling your whole body...

another revelation was how beautifully she sucked my cock... i don't know if i've ever been with someone who can fellate like that... it's never easy for me to come from sucking and i didn't last night, but it was heavenly...

we calmed down a bit, watched the end of the film, it's done really well i think, the way their life falls apart,

then a pause, a moving of location, maybe a chance to stop it, i invited her to my bed...

and by the time she was in my arms i was feeling that we should just sleep, but then it seemed just as risky waking up together as fucking...

curious to not want to relate what happened in my bed having been as frank as i've been about what happened in our TV room... i think it's to do with different levels of private, whatever it is, now is not the time to tell you about the bed...

suffice to say that she got up around 10:30am and i stayed in bed until about 1pm, no work today for me and i slept as much as i wanted...

and now i'm slightly in limbo... only slightly...

can't help but feel that the dead films frame this thing... i don't know if it will have life outside of them...

but even if that's true there's 2 more opportunity's... the third film on tonight... and then the fourth one out at the cinema now...

then of course maybe there's a future for us? do i want that?

x

censorship

2005-09-27T11:53:00.000+01:00

saw this referred to from someone i read and it's distressing... suicide girls seems to be some kind of indie bondage site and the FBI has told them to take some of their photosets down or face prison sentences...

a woman under my bed

2005-09-25T14:09:00.000+01:00

after those erotic thoughts last night i found a good story online and came...

then in my sleep i had one of my movement dreams... in which T & G - (who make up my fantasy threesome) were on my bed, naked, or at least exposed... G had some kind of light blue, swinging lamp attached to his cock... i remarked upon it... T had her legs spread, his cock close to her cunt...

i really thought they were there - in that half awake dream logic - just before i moved towards them i became aware of G's smell, a potent, manly, unpleasant smell... (probably the smell of my T-shirt that i'd worn for a couple of days)... somehow things shifted now and i moved to try and reach T but she wasn't there... only G was there, somehow T had gone under my bed...?

i woke up a bit more trying to look under my bed for her... i guess i must have turned away from G but it wasn't a deliberate thing, he just disappeared from view...

i looked towards my computer monitor and it was crystal clear an image of a similar kind of lamp (that had been attached to G's cock) but not light blue... and in a glass case, the case like old-fashioned (40's) london streetlamps... i remember it as being white - you know that kind of white that electric lights have, but the flashing monitor light is green, and i could be remembering it wrong...

i woke all the way up with the feeling that i'd lost T - although she'd become some kind of general womanlyness by now, that she was irrevocably under/part of my bed...

interesting that the smell was such a strong part of the dream, i think generally i'm not aware of smells in my dreams... also in relation to homosexuality, i hadn't considered the smell... such an important part of my attraction for someone else...

hmm

x

erotic thoughts

2005-09-25T01:26:00.000+01:00

G is staying with us for a few weeks in edge's room, G who once went out with dr K and who i was not very nice to (in a subtle way) when he left her, firmly on her side...

we got talking yesterday about lap-dancing, strippers, we traded our stripper stories (i guess i've told that story in this space... if not i'll tell it soon, quite a good story), then we got onto prostitutes and amsterdam, he told me a story involving natural ecstacy, a prostitute, a friend...

just the sort of thing i've always wanted to do (not necessarily with a prostitute - in my mind it's generally with a willing partner - but a prostitute is maybe more realistic), i told him my limited experience...

anyway the house is quite empty these days as so many people are away and tonight he, T & i were settling in to watch a film together, now she and he were involved in that orgy that time, and i guess knowing that, and hearing his story the other night, and knowing that we had the place to ourselves until G (female) got home... in my mind i started plotting a three way fuck... i reckon he'd be up for it, and it's possible she'd be up for it too in the right situation...

anyway irish G came back from her week away tonight so we weren't alone long enough... quite possibly just a fantasy on my part and T was really tired when she got in from work so it wouldn't have happened anyway, but the notion sure gets my cock hard...

and although G being back now means we're less alone it is possible this fantasy could come to fruition... i'll let you know...

x

crash autumn

2005-09-23T02:14:00.000+01:00

the recent film set in LA i saw last night with my lil' sister, the older cronenberg one i saw tonight on tv with G...

both good, neither works completely for me, cronenberg's a notch above this current one... for me...

and it's horny, deborah unger as the blonde accomplis (you know when you can't spell anything?) is damn horny, a beautiful full figure... spends a fair bit of time releasing her tits from white bra's...

odd to be so turned on, with a satisfying erection pushing at my jeans, so close to G, G who i do find attractive... but i doubt we'll ever get to a physical erotic place...

so now i want to come, maybe check out some porn, except that the film was so carefully defined in it's sexuality that half of me doesn't want to... pollute it... but the other half is really happy about polluting with some dirty porn...

the trouble is more that online porn, in my current penniless state, is a hit & miss business, finding those free sites, downloading tiny bits of fucking on video, much of which doesn't really do it for me, then finding something that gets me in the right frame and then...

of course i could dig out one of those DVD's... but old porn... even though i really like the odd scene, it's still old, the thrill of the new...

hmmm

wait here...

x

well that was nice...

didn't take much and i seemed to come a fair bit, that film sure had me stoked...

bizaarely it was the idea of anime porn that got me, i didn't see hardly any but the notion of it got me there, sperm dripping everywhere...

oh solitary pursuits...

autumn is officially here...

x

plugging leaks flirting without flirting

2005-09-20T01:04:00.000+01:00

found out who the fuckwit was... is...

fairly positive that it's my friend S - friend indeed..?

so i had a look at how he found out about here, i certainly didn't tell him, and i can see how if you type something into google or yahoo this cosy little place turns up near the bottom of the list, so i changed what's going on here just slightly (from l****** (the other me) to l****** (some other fool) to some other fool), but google & yahoo still report things as they were, so i have to wait until their spiders trundle through the entire known (to them) internet before this particular leak is plugged... but that will happen... eventually,

meanwhile i haven't seen the friend, we go months without seeing each other anyway, i'm no longer angry, although i can't say what i'll feel when i see his devious fuckwit face... (was that not angry you said there?)

me & P went down to brighton yesterday to see grace for her birthday, then today i taught her (P) - she's now on the 2 year teaching course that i teach on...

we were physically intimate all day (hugs, holding), after kissing (on the cheek) goodbye in kingscross underground she swayed towards me a little... as though she was thinking of a more intimate kiss... i woke thinking of her and during class today she gazed at me afew times...

i think she digs me being her teacher, she gets a sexual thing from that, certainly our relationship earlier this year didn't last much beyond the point when i was no longer her teacher... and my teaching persona is more forthright than my limitless self... by necessity, & she's an old-fashioned girl in that respect, she likes a bit of forthrightness...

as term was approaching i was thinking of this and trying to keep mindful of the situation... too many times in the past i've gone to kiss her and she's pulled back, i'm deliberately holding back right now... and maybe it'll pass, maybe she'll stop flirting with me, maybe she won't, and you know maybe we'll wash our faces in that gorgeous water again... i don't rule it out, but it wouldn't be too clever...

somehow i feel good in the world around notions of romance, even though i don't have any, could be just my heart getting it's thrill from her... from this flirting...

x

some fool

2005-09-13T21:51:00.000+01:00

so i woke up (late) today to find that some irritating fuckwit had put a comment on my regular blog, alerting readers to the existence of this blog... much enraged i deleted the comment, checked to see who had visited since it went up and i think there is no leakage so it's alright but FUCK how disrespectful..?

if i'm not pointing people from there to here then is it not obvious that i don't wish people to know here exists? maybe it's not obvious, or more likely this character doesn't care either way...

there you go, the closest to a rant i can muster... having multiple identities on the web and hoping to keep them separate, just like any secret keeping (like lying) it's a fraught game...

boogie nights is on telly tonight, i'll probably watch it although i should be doing a little work for my encroaching term... i haven't seen it since it came out and it's a good film, although a little long as i remember it, once the 80's pulled into town things got bleaker and when i first saw it i wasn't up for the bleak... maybe i will be tonight,

but i don't have much else to say and i'm sorry the bulk of today's post is irritation... i traded looks with so many lovely women out there on the streets today i was feeling pretty horny, but no sex just yet, the erotica remains half finished... i'll have some groovy thought provoking business some day soon i'm sure...

love

x

langour nakedness

2005-09-09T19:34:00.000+01:00

had to achieve a couple of things today that were solutions to problems that were created last night, randomly, one of those days where in the broader scheme of things i achieved nothing...

it started out as a nice, though humid day, i had to get my bike that i'd left in town last night and when i finally got in i was so sweaty that i had to take all my clothes off, sudden and clear need to be naked...

so i removed my clothes and lay on my bed reading, loosely covered with a towel, listening to matthew herbert, i'm taking time out from the saramago book because i've mislaid it,and i'm reading mr S, a book about frank sinatra, it's compulsive stuff, i love frank sinatra from the era that is being discussed in the book (george jacobs is the writer, a valet of frank's during this time), 1950's, when he was with capitol and worked with the arranger nelson riddle...

anyway, after reading for awhile i noticed that the weather was turning and quiet thunder was just audible from a storm a few miles away... i just lay there and watched the sky change, hearing the thunder grow, checking the flashes of lightning, just the flash in the sky, i didn't see the forks... it took it's time getting to us and didn't stay too long even then, as soon as it really started raining i went down to the bathroom, discarded the towel and opened the back door, stood outside, naked in rainwater, usually something i do at night, odd to be in daylight, but good...

afterwards i put the water on to have a bath... made myself a tea and chilled out a little more, when the water was ready i ran my bath, opened the back door again and climbed in... the rain had stopped by now and there was that damp earth smell which i so love coming off the garden...

i just lay in the bath, doing nothing... transfixed by the cold tap very slowly dripping, watching the droplet grow and get fatter, more voluptuous, then eventually drop into the water, creating a double ripple, the first one, then the reflection as the other side of the expanding circle hits the end of the bath... beautiful...

in time i wet my fingers with my saliva and started touching my cock, lifting my legs a little, as if to expose my arse, my other hand exploratorily inching a finger towards my anus but no real penetration... no coming either which fitted with the afternoon, just gentle touching, some vibrant strokes but not enough to get me there, just enough to propel the langourous afternoon along on it's aimless way...

by the time i got out of the bath it had started to rain again, but lightly now...

x

words

2005-09-07T21:09:00.000+01:00

had a long chat last night with spanish M, about sexuality, femininity, erotica, told her about my almost gay fantasies... the only person in my real life i've told that to...

then online i came looking at this trailer for please bang my wife... definately a thrill to be had looking at these men digging watching their wives getting fucked by another man... another point to plot on the hetero/homosexual dynamic...

as M said last night it's not so much that i want to be gay, it's that i want to be a woman... a thought... remembering that time when i was in E's shower feeling lost and singing little girl blue to myself...

hmmm

x

stink gay beard

2005-09-04T04:13:00.000+01:00

i stink...

i surely do...

come back from brighton to a drinks affair in my house... straight in... 4 hours later i'm about to run my bath...

i want to acknowledge a sexual fantasy i thought about (i wasn't @ home, i didn't go there) on the weekend,

also to talk a little about this smell...

sex first...

i can't sleep in the room i'm in and i imagine this situation:

both P and L are wearing strapon's...

P ex-girlfriend mine, L who i've liked for years now, P met her & told me she thought i should be fucking L...

both stunning... hot, hot, hot...

the fantasy disintegrated into a humiliation half/gay thing... (i was imagining where the story could go rather than being right in it),

here's how it came about,

P is fucking L with a strapon, L is sucking my cock... P is fucking her hard...

in the urgent situation we swap, i'm fucking her, she suck's P (strapon), then it shifts, L is fucking P, P sucking me, then i'm fucking P, P sucking L...

then they suggest a different arrangement, not so driven, the shift... they both where strapons, i become the one that's being fucked and is sucking...

somehow during this i get tied, held in some way...

just as they get me to a certain state, they desist... they invite into the space two other men who set about fucking them a really manly way, right before my eyes, perhaps some negative judgement about my masculinity here, but it doesn't end there, it closes with the men having fucked the women, they start fucking my arse and my mouth...

very bare bones and may remain so, interesting to check out how the one fantasy could bleed into homosexuality, an opinion i've heard a gay man stating, that that woman with a strapon fantasy is thinly disguised gay fantasy...

ok, so i came while thinking through the earlier parts of the fantasy, (the hetersexual parts), red-blooded man i am, don't you go thinking otherwise...

i've run my bath and i'm going to go take it...

just before i go, this smell... i awoke a few mornings ago to it really strongly in my nostrils and it smelt sweet to me, almost like honey... just that... a confused awakening (after marching powder) to an almost guilty pleasure, surprised (by waking) in the act of gorging on this nectar...

x

erotica

2005-09-02T13:59:00.000+01:00

went out on wednesday to a surprise birthday party, did a little marching powder and when i got home i found i couldn't sleep, although my cycle ride home was pretty duracell-bunny-like...

so lying in bed i decided to touch myself, never a hard decision...

i developed this lovely sexual fantasy about dreams, a young woman, the moon...

and i didn't come, i don't know if this was down to the marching powder or just the fantasy... at the heart of the fantasy was a story i was telling to this woman, and in those situations i often don't come, it's all about her coming, not me,

so i've started writing it down and i hope to finish it and submit it to literotica alongside my other story which has been up there since...?

early september 2004, just over a year ago, about time i had another one...

x

sexual fantasy

2005-08-26T02:30:00.000+01:00

last night after i posted i watched scum on tv, the violent & bleak film set in a borstal in the late 70's, borstal being a youth offending prison back then in the uk...

excellent film, very dark,

anyway i went to bed after but couldn't sleep, felt too much as i said in a text to catalan E, my lover from a few weeks back now resident in barcelona, in the end i started touching myself, wetting my fingers with saliva and caressing my cock...

at first it was about E, really thinking of her, of how it felt, the beauty of those nights we had together... but it shifted after awhile to P, and in the end came out like this:

once before P told me about an occassional lover of hers, a fellow brazilian who rings her up & specifies a hotel room... when she told me about him she said he's the kind of man who would pull her hair while fucking her, implying almost a sexual violence that she likes, that she didn't get from me when we were together...

so in my mind she's sucking my cock while he fucks her, something we talked about but never did, then the action shifts and she's fucking me, sitting astride me facing me, and he is gently pushing his cock into my arse, not fucking me just pushing it deeper and holding it... she moves from fucking me to sucking me, although she has to move to do this, his cock is still buried in my arse...

i come in her mouth...

this is what got me there last night, after the bath ritual, after the reflections online, after the film, all this had prepared me to come, and i came in a glorious way...

a cock in my arse, in my imagination, first in the bath and then as i came later on, interesting...

x

ritual images & thoughts

2005-08-25T00:19:00.000+01:00

lying in the bath, not to clean myself, just to soak because my back is still sore in the evening after i slept oddly last night, probably something to do with the pill i took on saturday night... the pill i took please note, i do choose to do drugs, but i very much disagree with the practise of spiking other people with drugs...

so anyway i'm in the bath, i've lit 5 candles around the bath, 3 down by my feet, 2 up behind my head, the central candle by my feet is between the taps of the bath and the shadow it is casting with the taps brings to mind the arachnid notion i got looking at a picture of me in high heals yesterday, (which i'm wearing now)...

just to set the scene, right now i'm naked, but for the high heals & the deep red toenail varnish, the keyboard across my knees as i write...

for the bath, which i got out of only 5 minutes ago, i had locked the bathroom door but opened the back door which gives out onto the garden, it rained alot today, cold and wet despite the fact that it's august... the door arrangement is a ritual i developed a first few months after moving in here... almost three years ago now.

the painted toenails, i was looking at them in the bath and i love that they're still there, a link to the feminine in me, i started touching my cock, looking at them, wanking in the bath is not altogether a practical thing but it is nice, i've only come once in the bath... as i touched myself, wetting my fingers with my saliva, i gradually drea up my legs, until they were out of the watre, out of the bath, like i was offering up my cock, my arse almost, similar to the position P used to get in when i made her come with my tongue in the bath back when we were together, for the first time i started imagining being fucked by a man, i also imagined being fucked by a woman with a strapon which is a common fantasy of mine but never a man... peculiar, the quality of the touching was also different, not the focussed, i'm going to come kind of wanking, but a delicate touching more like how i touch a lover when i'm bringing her to coming...

i didn't come in the end, i climbed down from the sexual side of things and thought about social things,

so that's all for now, just wanted to share that with you...

x

high healed shoes leading to potent fantasy

2005-08-23T20:04:00.000+01:00

yesterday i recorded a song that i wrote for my absent lover, catalan E, today her friend D returned from london to barcelona bearing the cd of the recording, i mixed it a little quiet but it's pretty good, i'm really pleased she will get to hear it...

today i was talking with D's friend M, the spaniard who lives in this house who i've flirted with ever since she's been here, between 6 months to a year, we got onto the subject of sexual fantasies and i told her about a fantasy of mine, this gets us onto blow jobs and we carry on talking about it, about power, renouncing control, how it seems that the man is the powerful one because the woman is demeaning herself to kneel down and suck him, but really she is in power, in control... i spoke about P, how the end of that broke me, and how i still want to find a woman i can sometimes renounce control to, and how i don't know that i've ever found that...

today also was the day she noticed the deep red nail varnish on my toe nails, remnants of the party on saturday night...

later we were watching a mad film based on the character of Hanuman the monkey king of hindu legend, i can't remember the name of the film, begins with B, it has a great scene near the end with a female dancer, really fantastic dancing, great music...

anyway, cutting to the sauce i went off to have a shower and came back into the room with the high healed shoes that had gone with the nail varnish @ the party, wearing jeans but no top...

she started taking pictures... K also in the room actually, so no direct sauce possible, not that we're at that stage anyway, one shot is from between my legs, the shoes and my legs framing the shot (curiously arachnid looking i thought) my cock just visible as a shape against my jeans, we spoke about it, it put the idea into my head that i'd really like her to take some photos of me naked, with an erect cock, and these shoes and nail varnish, this quite true although also true that i would love her to then suck my cock... afew different sexual fantasies played around my mind thereafter...

and i couldn't ask her to do it, or even tell her i wanted it,

she writing a letter today to her absent lover, he in SA, mine in barcelona...

i love the idea of me in high heals and her sucking me...

hmmm...

x